‘We knew we would have to make compromises when we would have a kid, you want to tell me you weren’t ready for that?’

‘It’s not about that.’ I shake my head and watch through the window how the streetlights in the street go on.

‘That stupid Mercedes – I wouldn’t think twice to change it for a family car, Prada, Dior and Chanel – it all could really wait for a few years or forever, the next Michelin star restaurant too and if we thought we would be lacking in whatever I could always start working again.’ She starts counting all the things on her fingers and then raises her shoulders to emphasize how unimportant all those things are.

‘That’s exactly what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to deprive us from any of it and you should have the possibility to stay at home like you wanted to. Every kid should get as much attention from its parents as possible especially during those first years…I hate the idea of dropping a toddler off at some stranger every day quickly before work and frankly so do you. I didn’t want to miss out on he or she growing up. I wanted my kid to have a different home then me while growing up and I wanted you to have all you wanted as well.’

‘For Christ sakes why didn’t you talk to me Bette? I begged you, literally begged you, so many times.’

She did. Countless times. I don’t know if the plea in her voice was worse than the plea in her eyes. Both making it impossible for me to vouch it, to say it out loud, to admit to her that I was afraid to fail her. After giving up everything to be with me, after creating a home for me, for us, this was supposed to be my way of showing I was worthy of all that. Now, when I can finally give her that, all the reasons are gone and the only thing I can give her is my truth.

‘Call it pride… or ego…call it whatever you want. I just couldn’t accept the fact that if it would be the other way around we would never have to consider making compromises. You deserved more.’

She bites her lip and walks over to the kitchen. I don’t have to follow her to know that taking another bottle of wine from the fridge is only an excuse to take a moment to compose herself. I sink down in the chair. When she returns and takes her seat opposite of me the disappointment in her eyes is the look that I wanted to avoid most. It’s the look that cuts right through me and hurts like nothing else. She doesn’t even open the bottle, I only see her quivering chin. ‘I never saw you anymore.’

‘Somehow I hoped you would understand, you always did.’

‘I thought you fell out of love with me.’

‘Tee…’ I plea as I take over the bottle when I see her struggling to open it. ‘I just lost myself. And then I thought you didn’t want a family with me anymore.’ When the words leave my mouth, she lowers her eyes and my heart breaks. A deadly silence is my only answer. When I can’t bare it anymore, I answer my own thoughts. ‘You didn’t did you?’

‘No… at that point not anymore, not like that at least.’ She buries her face in her hands and I look up at the ceiling, blinking my eyes against the light that causes tears to form in my eyes. Or so I make myself believe.