“…Left a flower in the spring
You know that I’m coming back
All the moments you were mine…
I don’t know what has become of you
But I know what’s left
All the love you held inside…”

Shane laid down on the couch and covered her eyes with her forearm. She thought about Alice’s words. Get your shit together, McCutcheon. Carmen loves you, and you love her, too. 

It was true. Then what was she so afraid of? 

”Beyond the stars there’s no one alive
I know there’s a way
This 20 hours since my sleep
I know you will stay
Until this moment, don’t talk to me
A crisis away…”

Shane remembered Cherie, the only woman she had ever fell for – fell so hard, that even her eyes had bled – and the words she had said to her: that kind of love doesn’t exist. 

Then she thought about Jenny, and how easy it had been for them to slip from a friendship to a full sexual benefit relationship, even if only for one night. Shane didn’t like the way she had felt the morning after, a mixture of disgust and guilt, and wondered – what if I’m doing the same thing with Carmen and I don’t realize it? What if she’s just a comfort to me, and nothing else? I’m 31 and I’ve been in love just once. I’m not easy for me, not easy at all. Maybe I’m incapable of love. And Carmen deserves so much more than what I have to give. 

“Are you lying to yourself?”, she whispered, opening her eyes wide and staring at the ceiling, “Is that what you’re doing?”. 

Shane had never felt anything even remotely similar to what she felt for Carmen. And it was something whose name she didn’t know – people called it love, but what did she know about love? – and that was what scared her. That, and the idea of hurting Carmen. It was so easy, so fucking easy for Shane, to slip into her old habits. Take a woman here, look for another one there, bring this girl home, fuck her brains out, and then repeat from point one, the next night. And Carmen was so fragile

“…Give yourself some slack here. Give yourself a limit, ok?”, Shane whispered into the music, her palm resting on her mouth as though she was spilling a secret, “Give yourself some boundaries, with Carmen. If you really wanna be with her, you’ll know it. You’ll know it”.