Something wakes me up. I listen. The chirping of the morning birds and the sound of traffic outside. I turn onto my back. Im in an unfamiliar bed. Scenes of last night come rushing back. I close my eyes, hoping they will go away but they intensify. I throw the duvet off me and swing my legs off the bed. That is as far as I get. I hold my face in my hands and begin to weep.
Why, why, why? I repeat out loud. Through tear filled eyes I look at my wristwatch on the bedside table. Its seven in the morning – a morning which I hoped would never come. I get up and walk towards the door. I open it and walk out into the hallway. Alices door is open. I hear her in the kitchen. I slowly walk towards the kitchen.
Hi.
Alice turns around, looks at me and smiles.
Want some coffee? she asks me. I nod and sit down at the table. The walk to the kitchen has taken a toll on my mental strength. She brings me coffee and I take it with two hands. It is hot and my hands start to burn. I slowly put the mug on the table and release my hands. I stare at the milky coffee. I dont have anything to say to Alice at this moment and she realises that and leaves me alone. Shes busy making toast. I watch the process and take sips of my coffee. Alices cell rings in the next room. She leaves the kitchen to answer it. All I hear is muffled sounds from the other room. Two minutes later she comes back.
That was Bette. She just wanted to know that you were safe. I just nod my head. I finish my coffee. I get up from the kitchen table and walk towards the basin. I feel myself starting to cry again. I try and hide it from Alice but she sees it. She comes towards me and hugs me tightly.
I know you dont want to hear this right now but its going to be okay.
Alice, why? Why did she have to betray me like that? I love her so much. The thought of her with someone else I cant finish the sentence. Candace and Bette flash through my head. My sadness is replaced by anger.
What a ***** waste of time. I give up my job because we both think its time to have a baby. The baby thing doesnt work out and she finds the first person and screws her. What do I do now? Beg for my old job back? Start my life again? I let go of Alice and walk back to the table. I sit down again and stare at the wall.
You dont have to decide anything right now. Alice says.
Oh, I do. The quicker I move on with my life the better. Ive spent seven years with the same woman and was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. But she betrayed me in the worst possible way. I dont think Ill ever be able to forgive her and I dont ever think Ill ever love again.
Tina, thats ridiculous. Of course you will love again. Alice sits down next to me and takes my hand.
No, I wont allow myself to love again. Bette holds all my love. Mentioning her name makes me cry again. There is just so much hurt within me. I wish I could turn back time. At this particular moment I wished I had never met Bette. I wondered how different my life would have been.
Tina, come back. Alice jolts me from my thoughts. What were you thinking about?
I turn to Alice, I was just thinking about how different my life would have been if I had never met her. Tears start to roll down my face again. Alice hands me tissues.
Im being so stupid. Feeling sorry for myself. Shes probably at work after having spent the night with Candace.
Stop torturing yourself. She sounded extremely upset on the phone – as if she had been crying the whole night. Alice gets up from the table and pours herself some water. She asks if I want some but I shake my head.
Was that meant to cheer me up? I dont give a ***** if she slits her wrists!
Tina, dont say things like that.
Why the sudden change of heart? I say. Now my anger is directed at Alice. She picks up on it.
No matter how much she has hurt you and betrayed you, you still love her. You cant turn off the love the two of you shared. Its going to take a very long time for the both of you. The two of you will try and get over it in different ways. Its going to take time, a lot of time.
Dont you have to get to work? I ask Alice.
Yes, but I can call in and tell them I have a family emergency.
No, I want you to go. I want to spend some time alone and then I need to go back to the house to pick up the rest of my clothes. Alice gets up from the table and puts her empty glass of water in the basin.
You want me to come with you when you go back there?
No, Ill be fine. Alice nods her head and goes back to her room to ready herself for work. I walk slowly back to the room and lie on the bed. I stare up at the ceiling. As much as I try I cant get rid of the memories from last night. They play over and over in my head. Alice knocks lightly on the door.
Ill be home a little later. I wave and say goodbye and I hear her leave. I curl in the foetal position and start to cry. I promise myself that this will be the last time I cry and feel sorry for myself.

I open my eyes. I feel groggy. I look at my watch. Its just after ten. I must have fallen asleep. I get up and look at myself in the mirror. Red puffy eyes, that is all that gives away that I am suffering from a broken heart. I grab a towel from the cupboard and I have a quick shower. All the while doing this I feel as if someone else is dressing me. I forget about last night for about ten seconds at a time. Something always reminds me – looking at the pile of clothes on the floor, brushing my hair. Everything reminds me. Its a horrible horrible feeling.

I close the door behind and walk down the street. A part of me hopes shell be at home but the other part knows that that would not be a very good idea for my mental stability. I stop at the corner. I look down the road that will lead me to the place where I used to live, where I shared my life with a woman I thought I would love until I died. Our life together flashes very slowly through my head. The first time we met. The first time I realised that I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And last night comes back. At the opening seeing Bette with Candace and knowing. The way my body went numb – the feeling within the pit of your stomach.