They stand, sit and walk about the room staring with their eyes. I know what they’re all thinking; it’s the same shit as before. God why can’t I be dead? At least then I knew I understood that maybe this life isn’t about me. Maybe it’s not about them, and maybe it’s about her, about us. I just want to feel again, I’m sick of this guilt this pain. I’m tired of these voices screaming at me all the time. I just want to make them stop.

I just want to hear her voice…it was always different from theirs. At the beginning, before I got scared, before I did what I always do. She believed in me, she thought I could love and that I could be whole. Why do I do this? Why can’t I feel? Why the fuck are they all looking at me like that?

“What?” Alice, she paces back and fourth by the door, her hand in her mouth. I can see it most clearly in her eyes; she could never lie to me. If I wasn’t such a fuck up I would say that she is my best friend.

“Nothing…just, no. Nothing, it’s nothing important.” she flings her arm in the air like they use to do in old movies. Carmen use to uh make me watch all these old movies with her.

She would sit on the couch next to me, her feet curled up underneath her. Her hand entangled in mine, and she would just smile or laugh or sit completely quiet. She would never make a sound; she would just sit there lost in what ever world it was that flashed before us.

“Hello, I’m Doctor Morgan.” He walks in like he owns the place, and I guess he sort of does. I use to think that maybe I could be a doctor, that if I worked hard enough I could do anything I wanted. That changed fast.

“Hi,” I don’t know why I’m here. Why is it that now is when I notice this? Am I just that fucked up, that it doesn’t bother me anymore when I wake up in some strange place? “So uhm can I go now?”

He shakes his head no, and I know I should be listening. I should be paying attention but for some reason all I can do is watch what as they stare at him with their questioning eyes. All I can do is watch as their lips move when they ask a question, or how Kit’s eyes wrinkle in the corner when she hears the answer. Tina just reaches for Bette’s hand, that look of fear on her face.