“Tina, where did you go? I looked everywhere for you?”

“I’m sorry Bette.” Tina said ashamed. “I couldn’t sleep next to you. I just couldn’t, I—“

Bette cut her off.

“You don’t want to sleep in our bed? What do you mean you couldn’t or you won’t?” Bette angrily asked.

“No! It’s not that. I don’t deserve to Bette!” Tina was screaming now. “I don’t even know if I ever did anymore! I fucked Matt the other night and you wanted me to sleep with you last night? What is wrong with you? I can’t do it! I can’t fucking do it anymore!”

Bette roughly grabbed Tina by the arm and pulled her over to the sofa in the living room. Tina sat there sobbing.

Bette stood in front of her, arms crossed over her chest defensively.

“Look at me Tina.” She demanded. “Look at me! What’s wrong with me? You’re asking me? The last time I remembered you’re the one who fucked up! You’re the one who cheated! What’s wrong with you!  What the fuck is wrong with you Tina!!!!” she screamed. The veins in Bette’s forehead began to protrude.

Tina had no words for Bette. She had still been feeling depressed after having lost their baby. She never told Bette that she still did. She felt like a failure that she couldn’t give Bette the one thing she wanted so badly. Months after their loss, she forced the pain behind her and went back to work. Bette had thought that she was doing fine, that she had gotten passed it. Bette had gone straight to work after hearing the news about their baby boy. Not a day went by that she hadn’t thought of their lost boy and Bette it seemed like she didn’t think about him. She couldn’t tell her how she felt, she didn’t know if Bette wanted to hear any of it.

Having gone away to Vancouver for work was the first time she had been alone since the loss of their baby boy. Being alone in the hotel, the silence had brought back memories of their little baby boy. She hadn’t meant to go to the night club that day. She was already planning to stay in, take a few sleeping aids, like she had been these days and wake up to catch the flight back home. On her way up to her suite, that was when she had bumped into Matt. He of course asked if she was going to join them all at the club and she said she didn’t feel like it. Matt had persuaded her to just come down for a drink and she agreed to just one drink. But of course that one drink turned into two, and then four and then seven. The alcohol had numbed her pain, but it had numbed her senses as well. Tina had no recollection on what happened after the last drink she had. She didn’t remember sex with Matt and that was what had scared her the most. Did she have a problem? Who could she talk to? Bette wasn’t available to her all the time, and she didn’t want to be a burden. Looking at Bette now, she didn’t know if she would be able to tell her, if she’d ever be ready.