Previously,




Upon reaching the kitchen, Shane settled Carmen down at the dining table before looking for medication to ease the swollen ankle. She glided around silently and frantically. Not knowing exactly what she was doing. Her vision was blurred and her head was spinning. She wasn’t sure if it was a physical or a mental thing. When she at last located the medicated rub, she swiftly sat on the floor and guided Carmen’s ankle and set it atop her lap. She began a slow massage on the swollen areas and concentrated hard at not causing her girlfriend more pain.

Concern over the prolonged silence, Carmen knew that Shane was not okay. She saw the erratic behavior when she was looking for the rub, and now the neurotic obsession with the massage indicated that something drastic took place in Shane’s head and it was scaring her.

“Shane?”


——————————





“Shane?”


When Shane continued at massaging the swollen ankle intently, not registering Carmen calling out to her, Carmen tucked at her foot and set it on the floor.


Shane stared at the blank space that the foot had been for a few moments, startled at the sudden loss, unsure of what to do next.


Carmen leaned down and cupped her girlfriend’s chin, drawing her face up to look into her eyes. “Shane.” Whispering as softly as possible, Carmen paused to find the right words to say. “Baby Are you okay? Talk to me?”


The blank look on Shane’s face tore at Carmen’s heart, and she gazed at Shane, willing her girlfriend to say something, to tell her that she is okay.


But Shane just stared back, her thoughts racing back and forth in a non-linear fashion. It went back to the days on the streets, without love and comfort, without the security and happiness. And then her thoughts charged into the future, a future that might not include Carmen.


That future, that grim future, a dark place without soul. No hope, no peace and most of all, no love. She pictured that place to look exactly like the ***** hole she fought so hard to leave behind. Except this time, she was contented to stay there.


And that scared the ***** out of her.


Closing her eyes momentarily to block out the disturbing thoughts, Shane re-opened them and forced a smile for the benefit of her girlfriend. “Come peach, let me take a look at that ankle.” The words came out forced and Carmen wasn’t going to buy the fake nonchalance.


Applying a hint of pressure onto her fingers, Carmen gripped tighter at the jaw of her skinny lover and demanded softly. “Baby Tell me what’s going on?”


“Nuth’in Let me look at the ankle.”


“***** the ankle, Shane. Tell me what’s up with you. Please”


Annoyance flashed across Shane’s face and she leaned back to escape her girlfriend’s grasp on her jaw. Trying hard to keep her emotions in check, Shane said as lightly as she could.


“Look, if you are fine now, I am just going to step outside for a smoke okay?” With that, Shane dashed out into the patio. Leaving Carmen staring after her.



———————————————-




Shane had hoped to draw calmness from the still of the night. Unable to face anyone, she had also hoped that Carmen would give her the space she needed desperately now, just like she gave her space. She fumbled around for her cigarettes and when she couldn’t find any, she remembered that ever since Carmen got sick, she had stop carrying the disagreeing sticks in her pockets.


Stealing a glance at the house, Shane contemplated going back inside to get the cigarettes. But she didn’t want to have to face Carmen.


‘Why’ Shane groaned. Why couldn’t she face the love of her life? When before she had only had to look at that beautiful face and everything would be fine, peace and tranquility would be restored and the most fatigued of minds would be rejuvenated. Why is it that this time the same loving face had only increased the turmoil weighing inside?


“Because I am ashamed of what she thinks of me. And I can’t do what she wants me to do” Shane admittedly quietly. She buried her face into the hole that her crossed arms formed and her fingers clenched tightly at her sleeves.



————————




Carmen ran her hands up her forehead and into her hair. But she stopped short of actually fingering her head. The truth was， she was petrified at the thought of losing all her locks. But she didn’t want Shane or anyone else to know that. It was already bad enough the way Shane fussed and babied her. Frustrated at the thought of losing her equal footing with Shane, Carmen had tried and had successfully retained her pride. But regaining her pride meant that she was pushing Shane further and further away from her.


And judging from the way Shane reacted today, Carmen wondered if she had pushed her pillar of strength too far. Carmen looked around the empty house, the feeling of loneliness surged through her veins. She desperately wanted to hold Shane and be held by her. She looked for an excuse, any excuse that would bring her to her baby.


There it was, the cigarette pack she spied lying on the counter. Seeing the pack told Carmen that Shane didn’t have her sticks with her, and that Shane was probably just sitting out there to get away from her. But against her better judgment, Carmen decided to bring the cigarettes out to her anyway.



———————–



She found Shane sitting at the patio, head buried in her lap. And she struggled with her inner self. Should she leave Shane alone and let her be? Or should she be selfish and keep her girlfriend close? Ultimately, she knew that tonight would be the night that they would have to face up to all their demons. Bracing herself, Carmen hobbled towards Shane and plonked herself down beside her girlfriend noisily because she couldn’t keep her balance.


Shane’s head shot up at the noise, the tired eyes darting towards the intrusion. She had wished that Carmen would give her the space that she needed. But apparently, it wasn’t going to happen. And she felt trapped.


“What are you doing out here?” Shane said, with slight annoyance in her voice.


“I saw your sticks inside, so I thought I’d bring them to you.” Carmen ignored the accusation in her girlfriend’s voice and tried to keep everything light.


Feeling bad at snapping, Shane relented a little as she took the pack from Carmen. She appreciated her girlfriend’s thoughtfulness and favored her with a sincere smile.


As Shane lit a stick, Carmen stretched and made herself comfortable.


“Go back inside baby, the smoke’s not good for you.”


Carmen stubbornly waved away Shane’s concern and started humming a tune quietly.


“Go inside Carmen.” The pitch slightly raised as Shane instructed again.


“Baby, I’ll keep you company. You are obviously upset. Is it what Dana said, because we sh”


“Peach, I am fine. Don’t stay out here, you would catch a cold.” Shane tried the coaxing method.


But Carmen was not relenting, “Shane, you gotta tell me what is bothering you. You are scaring me.”


“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” For the second time today, Shane snapped. This time, her target was the one person that meant the most to her. Carmen stared at Shane dumbfounded, unable to react for a moment. Then she made a move to get up, doing just as Shane blatantly requested, to leave her alone.


Feeling the sting of guilt the moment the words escaped her lips, Shane grabbed Carmen’s arms, and desperately tried to retain her.


“I’m sorry, I’m sorry baby I am so sorry.”


“Shane, you gotta tell me what is going on with you.” Carmen encouraged softly, feeling very sad that Shane had actually raised her voice at her.


“Just like the way you are not telling me.” Dejection reigned in Shane’s voice. Her tears slipped down silently as she saw that Carmen’s tears were falling freely too.


“Look, Carmen, I can’t do this anymore.” Shane jumped up off her butt and stood in front of Carmen, allowing all her emotions to run amok.


“I can’t face it. I”


“Are you breaking up with me Shane?” The tears coming down fast and furious as Carmen voiced out her worst fear. She had pushed Shane too far and now had finally lost her.


“No!” Shane answered immediately. “No.. it’s not that. ***** I I am so scared that you want to break up with me.” She said as she thrashed her arms around desperately.


“Where did you get that Shane?” Carmen asked, feeling extremely baffled but relieved at the same time.


Shane hung her head defeatedly and thrust her hands into her pockets. The insecurities setting in as she fidgeted around.


“Because of all the signs you are giving out. I can feel it. Like you have something to tell me, but ***** but you cannot bring yourself to to hurt me. Because your family is very important to you and I” Shane choked. “I can’t bring myself to meet them. Because I feel like you are ashamed because of me.”





“Shane.” Carmen allowed Shane to finish spilling all her emotions. “It’s not like that. I love you very very much. And I am so grateful to have you by my side.” Carmen brought her voice down to a whisper, “and I don’t want you to meet my family.”




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The sound of crickets pierced throught the silence between the two as they stared at each other, unsure of what to do, or what to say. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to speak, wanting to take the cure from the other person instead. But Shane’s cigarette burned it’s last and fizzled out, but not before making it’s presence felt by it’s occupant. And Shane’s little yelp of pain broke the uncomfortable silence.


“Carmen, I’m so sorry, it’s just that. I I want to meet your family. But II just need time.”


“No Shane, you don’t understand, I don’t want you to meet my family.” Carmen hung her head low as she repeated her words, the tears trickling down onto her lap.


Shane stared at Carmen, not sure of how to comprehend the meanings behind the words. She had assumed that Carmen was upset because of her reluctance to meet her family, and now she was probably saying this out of spike. But it didn’t sound like spike. And Shane was confused as *****.


“What” Finding it impossible to continue, Shane waited for Carmen to elaborate instead.



“I am so afraid Shane, so afraid that I would lose you. But at the same time, I am so afraid I will lose my family.” Carmen let out an exasperated laugh. “I am so afraid to tell them that I am *****. So scared that they would become strangers because of that. I dread the day when I walk pass my mother on the street and she pretends not to know me.”


Shane fell into deep silence as she let the words sink in. She felt so bad for snapping at Carmen now and she wanted to kick herself hard. Her own problems and insecurities seemed so juvenile and so insignificant compared to her girlfriend’s inner struggle with herself, her illness, her family, the whole foundation of her existence.


Continuing softly, Carmen rested her chin onto her folded arms. “I feel like I am lost. Losing my mother, losing my sisters, my brothers, losing you And most of all, I feel like I am losing myself.”


“I lost my equal footing in life with all of you. I feel so small, so useless. Ever since the day I found out it was leukemia, you and momma had been pampering me, babying me. But the more you do that, the more like a freak I feel. And with momma, the more guilty I feel when I tell her about me. I don’t wanna break her heart a second time. I I really”


For an eternal moment, Shane didn’t know what to say as Carmen continued blabbering. Even though the words were not coherent, Shane could tell the depth of these emotions and the fear deep inside Carmen’s heart.


“You” Shane choked again. “You will never lose your equal footing with me Because you are not my equal. You are my everything. I cannot lose you.”


Carmen looked up gratefully at Shane, and managed a lift at the corner of her lips. But Shane felt that she needed to give more assurance to the love of her life.


“Whenever you are ready to face up to them, I will be right beside you.” As soon as the words escaped Shane’s lips, she realized it wasn’t as difficult as she thought it would be. Who was she kidding, compared to the fears that Carmen had, her worries seemed marginal and measly, and she finally understood what was total acceptance.


“I love you”


There was still too much space between them. And Shane didn’t like it one bit. Carmen just hung her head low and weeped, letting go of all the fears and fustrations. Shane stepped up and closed the gap between them, but she didn’t make an attempt to touch her, afraid of rejection, just waiting for permission from her lover.


Shane’s hesitance caused Carmen to lift her head up and look at her girlfriend inquisitively. And the look that she saw, the wanting, the asking in the green eyes, melted her heart away.


No words passed. There was no need for words. With just a slight hint of a nod, Shane had her permission and she scooped Carmen up into her arms. Holding her so tightly that she thought she might break her girlfriend’s ribs, but she couldn’t help herself. For the first time since the diagnosis, she had felt truly, completely free. Ready to take on the world, the cruel world lies in her hands now, as long as she had Carmen’s love, and Carmen had hers, they can take on everything.


Carmen gave out a little laugh through her tears. There was relief and joy mixed in the sound. Voicing out everything made it easier to bear. And as long as Shane was there for her, with her, even the most potent of drugs, or the most strenuous therapy sessions would not detour her. Even the consequences of facing up to her family seem more pleasant as hope surged through her veins.


Pulling away lightly, Carmen placed a light kiss on the temple of her girlfriend. She dragged her face down to Shane’s shirt and wiped her tears on the cloth. Shane loosen her grip on her girlfriend, but brought her arms lower to around her waist to lift her up a little. Afraid to fall, Carmen clawed onto Shane’s head and her fingers entangled onto the feelers still attached to her girlfriend’s hair. The uncomfortable metal band pinched at Shan’s skull and in a burst of pain, nearly dropped her girlfriend.


“*****” Shane groaned.


“What?” Carmen laughed as Shane released her grip and rubbed the pinched spot on her head before removing the offensive accessory.


“Aww Poor baby.” Carmen laughed again as she stroked lovingly across Shane’s head.


“It’s so embarrassing” Shane groaned again.


“What is?” Asked Carmen as she planted a light kiss on Shane’s temple.


“This The feelers! I can’t believe I went thru that serious ***** conversation with this ridiculous feelers!” Shane looked into Carmen’s amused eyes. The teasing gleam in it made Shane want to punish her, and she brought her lips onto her girlfriend’s. All the playfulness evaporated as they remembered all the pain and the hurt and poured them all longingly into that one kiss.


Before long, Shane broke off the kiss as she remembered something. Looking Carmen up and down, “Where are your feelers?” she noticed the missing headband from her girlfriend head.


“I took it off at the party, it was eating into my hair.” Carmen shrugged nonchalantly.


Shane sighed as she rested her temple onto Carmen’s forehead. “I’m sorry peach, I was so caught up in myself that I didn’t think about you.”


“Shane, don’t be. I want to be there for you too. Just like you are always there for me. It keeps me strong.” Carmen stroked gently at Shane’s jawline.


“We have to do something about your family soon though.” Another sigh escaped Shane’s lips, and she heard Carmen doing the same.


“I know, but one step at a time kay? I just wanna take one step at a time.”


“Whenever you want. I will follow your lead.”


And Shane brought her face in for another love-sealing kiss.