She didn’t lose her voice. She just didn’t know what to say. When Shane tried to talk to her, she felt this enormous guilt that she didn’t want to face.

When she tried to tell a joke, Carmen wanted so much to laugh, but she couldn’t seem to lift the corners of her mouth up. The joke wasn’t funny, but she could always laugh at them, because of Shane’s incredibly cute excitement when she was telling them. This time, well, she couldn’t help herself.

When her beloved asked her how she felt, she wanted so much to tell her exactly how, but… how could she tell Shane how she felt when she herself didn’t know? Nothing, she felt nothing.

Even when Shane yelled at her. She didn’t feel anger, it was only right for Shane to yell at her. Who wouldn’t?

Where has the old Carmen gone?

——————————————

Shane had tried almost everything, but nothing, no reaction whatsoever from Carmen. What else could she do? She could barely get Carmen to take her pills.

Every 6 hours, religiously without fail, Shane put the pills in front of her peach with a glass of lukewarm water. Then she would walk away to leave Carmen in peace. But everytime she returned, the pills would still be where she left it and she realized that Carmen didn’t even move from the position she left her in. Only after some coaxing, pleading, forcing, would Carmen reluctantly down her pills. After that, Carmen just doze uncomfortably on the couch, sleeping off the effects of the pills.

And when she woke up, she would just stare blankly at the television that Shane had on. Never once had she indicated if she was hungry, uncomfortable, cold, whatever.

———————–

The pills, the offensive pink pills. They were evil. She wished she didn’t have to take them. She wished that her life was a lot less complicated. Be a nice catholic girl, go to church, get a nice stable Latin boyfriend, get married, have a whole brood of children like Mercedes did. Wasn’t it a fairy-tale bliss to do all that?

But now, she had to take these pills, ‘to make her all better’ they say, but all she felt was nausea and fatigue, it didn’t felt like she was getting any better at all. So she chose not to take them. If anything, let the illness consume her, she didn’t care.