As the smooth vodka glides down the back of my throat I realize it is my sixth drink in all, and wonder if perhaps I should slow down. Naaaah.

Alice has brought me to a new bar, it begins with a P I believe…or was it an E. *****, I don’t know. It’s over crowded, women are covering every inch of the place, and the waitress that keeps bringing my alcohol isn’t too hard on the eyes either. I know, I know, Tina JUST left me, but the alcohol has put me in quite a chipper mood; it’s odd, I thought I would be a sad drunk tonight.

As I set my now empty glass down on the table we’re sitting at, Alice blurts: “Wha the ***** was I thinkin’ goin’ and kissin’ my best friend?” Her voice is slurred by the drinks she has consumed, and her head is bobbing around lazily.

“Wha the ***** was I thinkin’, goin’ and cheatin on my boo-te-full wife?” I counter.

Alice begins laughing hysterically, and when she sees the confused look on my face her laughs slow down. “We’re pathetic Bette. Look at us, we have women troubles so we become ultimate cliches and start boozin’ away.” She starts to laugh hysterically again.

I become annoyed at her, “So why in da ***** are ya laughin’?”

“Cause it’s so sad!” Tears being to roll down her face she’s laughing so hard. To my surprise, I start to laugh along with her. I suppose it’s one of those things that only make sense when you’re innebriated, because I know I’ll wonder what the ***** was so funny about it in the morning. If I remember that is.

We both hold our stomachs and laugh harder than I though was actually possible. In my peripheral vision I can see women turning their heads to look at us, probably thinking we’re a couple of crazy drunks.

As our laughter dies down the waitress walks up to our table and asks if we would like anymore to drink.

“Another vodka, please.” I smile at her charmingly and she reciprocates with a very charming smile of her own.

“You got it.” She flirtatiously answers. She looks at Alice, “And you?”

“Oh, I’ll have the same.” She has a bemused smile upon her face. When the waitress walks out of earshot, Alice leans in and says into my ear, “Don’t even think about it, you dog!”

“What the ***** are you talking about?” I ask, trying to play innocent. The laughter has sobered us up a bit so that we can talk normally, but I’m still too hammered to have any sort of serious conversation.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve been flirting with that gorgeous blonde waitress all night. Don’t think I didn’t just see you check out her ***** when she walked away. Have you no shame? Can you not control your damn hormones at all?” Alice can be a mean drunk sometimes, but I still know she’s right. I shouldn’t be thinking about any woman but Tina right now.

“Relax. I’m not going to initiate anything with the waitress.” As I say this the waitress walks up to our table with our drinks. I nod a thanks and pray she didn’t just hear what I said. She seems not to have, and walks away to another table. “Hey what about Tina? I don’t think she should be alone right now.” I start to gulp down more vodka.

“She’s not alone. Shane’s with her and I told Shane where I am.”

“So Shane knows too.” I lower my voice so that she can barely hear me and I look down at the floor.

“Yeah.” She simply replies. “Hey why don’t we get out of here . . . Oh *****.” Alice pales and is looking towards doorway of the bar and I turn my head to see what she is looking at. Staring back at us is what seems to be a very angry and disapproving Dana Fairbanks.

“Don’t worry Alice, it won’t be that…” I trail off as an equally angry and disapproving Tina Kennard steps out from behind Dana.

“Oh *****.” I groan, “I’m waaaay too drunk for this.”