TINA & BETTE

The drive to the garden was quiet. Both women lost in thought. Both women feeling their nerves taking over, unsure of the outcome of their afternoon together.

Bette was trying to focus on how wonderful it was to be with Tina, how grateful she was to be here, but she was still feeling the waves of sadness that had come over her after finding out that Alice knew about their beautiful garden before her. Alice had also known about Tina being pregnant before she had. Bette wondered what else had Tina shared with Alice before, or instead of sharing it with her?

That question propelled her back to six months earlier and she was reminded of how distant she had felt from Tina right before she had met Candace. It all came flooding back, the lack of communication (unless you count arguing), the confusion, the fear, resentment, pain, stress…the grieving, or lack thereof…all the different emotions Bette had been struggling with the last year of their relationship came pouring into her head all at once. The realization hit her full force…in the six months she had been with Candace, she had never fully taken the time to process and figure out how she and Tina had got to a place in their relationship where Bette would even be open to letting someone else into her life.

How did she not see this before? She knew that she had worked on her control issues with Candace, and even though the results may not be perfect, she was much better now than she had been in the past. She had talked with Candace about what was going on with her and Tina, but had she really taken the time to truly digest what had happened with Tina, to examine their mistakes, or had she been so distracted and consumed by Candace that she put Tina, as well as everything that had gone wrong in their relationship on the back burner?

Bette was driving while these questions were tumbling around in her mind. She wasn’t paying any attention to where she was. “Bette….Bette! You just drove past the entrance to the Botanical Gardens!”

Bette loosened her grip on the steering wheel. “God, I’m sorry.” She quickly performed a U-turn and pulled into the parking lot. Tina looked at Bette, noticing how white her knuckles were.

“Bette, you’re a million miles away. What are you thinking about?”

Bette, who was now feeling confused and unsteady, needed a moment to try and gather her thoughts. She looked at Tina and smiled. “Just thinking about you and how wonderful it is to be here with you.” That wasn’t a total lie. She had been thinking that, at least at first.

Tina looked at Bette and knew that wasn’t what she had been thinking, but didn’t want to push it. The last thing she wanted to do was to start an argument before they had even started the conversation. She shook her head, thinking it was decisions like this that got them into trouble in the first place…just letting things slide. She knew she probably should, but still didn’t say anything. She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts, trying to concentrate on what she was going to say to Bette.

As they strolled through the pathways, Bette reached out and took Tina’s hand…a gesture that for so long had been so simple and natural for them, now felt somewhat familiar and comforting, but at the same time felt a little forced. However, as they stepped into the garden and walked over to the chairs, they both took deep breaths and felt better just being in this place.

“It’s beautiful here T. Thanks again for sharing this with me.”

Tina looked at Bette somewhat shyly. “She’s never been here Bette…Alice I mean. I told her about it, but she didn’t come here with me.”

Bette gave Tina a smile that said it was OK and added, “It’s OK Tina…really. I’m just grateful that you chose to share it with me at all. Thanks for saying that though. I will come here with you anytime you want me to.” Bette was grateful to be here, but a whisper of sadness still lingered.

Tina was so nervous now that they were here. There was no putting this conversation off any longer. Even though Tina believed she had made the right decision, she couldn’t remember a time in her life where she had dreaded saying something out loud as much as she was dreading this moment…and that caused confusion to add itself to the feelings she was already experiencing. She just kept repeating to herself…I love her and she loves me. This is the right choice for me and for us. It will be OK…I love her and she loves me. This is the right choice for me and for us. It will be OK….Ok, one more deep breath and…

“Bette, I have been thinking a lot about us, about you and I, about our future, about you and Candace, and…well…I have made a decision.”

Bette took one look at Tina’s face and inwardly groaned. Oh God…

“I love you so much Bette,” Tina felt tears stinging her eyes, “but I know that I can’t come back to you…”

“But T…”

“not now, not the way things are, because in reality, the way things are now are the same as they were six months ago. I still have questions, still have so much pain, and if we got back together, we would still have a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. If you take how we were with each other six months ago and fast forward it to today, you will find that we are in the same place, just a different month. Take that and your relationship with Candace…your love for Candace, and throw it into a bowl, and add…” Tina stopped to take another deep breath, “my fear of your love for Candace, along with…”Tina hung her head and started nervously intertwining her fingers, “the fact that when I am around you, I can’t resist you. When I am physically with you, it takes everything I have to say no to you, because I have this need, this desire for you to be happy, even if it’s at my expense. That’s not a healthy thing for either of us…anyway, put all those ingredients together and they don’t make for a happy relationship. I have already spent time with you when we were both unhappy, I don’t want to do that again. I’m sorry Bette. I’m sorry I can’t be part of your dreams…your painting…at least…” She stopped, forcing herself to not complete the sentence. She didn’t need to right? She’d said what she needed to say for now. Well, most of it. It didn’t come out quite like she had planned, but it was out there. With the relief that she felt, came sadness and a sense of loss…and of course those never ending tears. She couldn’t look at Bette, afraid if she did, that she would take everything back and run into her arms. There was definitely a part of her that so wanted that.

They sat there for a moment in silence. Bette wanting to make sure that Tina was finished. “T…baby, look at me, please.”

Tina slowly lifted her head.

“Tina, please don’t apologize…because you are absolutely right.”

Tina’s eyes widened a bit and she looked at Bette, questioning…”I’m right?”

“Yes, baby. After this morning with Alice, and listening to you now, I get it. You’re right. We shouldn’t be together.”

Tina couldn’t believe what she was hearing. After everything that Bette had said over the last several days…the painting, now she was agreeing with her? Bette didn’t want to be with her? She didn’t understand how she could…

“at least not right now.” What…what did she say?

“What?”

“Baby…I said, at least not right now.”