Hi T,

Well my friend, I have taken your advise and I am in our little English garden. It is so peaceful, and as I sit here, I can feel you all around me.

I am so sorry you are having that nightmare. I hate it that I’m not able to hold you in my arms and help you to feel safe…I hate it that my actions are the cause of all your pain. Please know that you can wake me up at 2:45 in the morning, or any time for that matter, if talking with me (or yelling at me) will bring you comfort. I am here for you Tina. I will always be here for you. I am not going away again.

I want to answer all your questions, try to elevate all your fears, but I don’t know if I can accomplish that in writing. I am scared that I am not capable of putting into words what is in my heart. I don’t want to cause you any more pain, but I know that by answering your questions, I am going to do just that. I’m afraid that my words are not going to do either one of us justice. Just please T, try to remember that I love you…I am in love with you…I want to spend my life with you.

I want you to know that it doesn’t feel right to me to be telling you about my relationship with Candace, and the reasons I am in love you, both in the same e-mail. But I will try, because you asked me to.

Explaining my relationship with Candace is so hard, but to me in my twisted mind, it makes sense. I did love Candace, and I do still love her. I think she will always have a place in my heart. I love her for who she is as a person, and for how she loved me…but most of all I love her, because she brought me back to you. That may sound trite, as well as lame, and I know most people would think the opposite, that she took me away from you, but Tina towards the end of our relationship, I think I was so lost, my vision so diminished, that I don’t think I could have found my way back to you on my own. I had let everything progress too far, so that no matter what happened, I viewed it as a roadblock to us, to how I wanted to be with you. All I wanted was to go back in time to how we were at the beginning. I wanted…needed that newness, the excitement, the promise of wonderful things to come. I know that sounds naive, and immature, but that is why I was attracted to Candace. I thought she represented all those things. I had that same overwhelming physical pull to her, but when I started dating her…as crazy as this sounds…she helped me to get back on track and to see you again so clearly, and see my love for you so clearly. She did this Tina, without even knowing it, because for as different as you and Candace seem on the outside, you are very similar on the inside. All the things that attracted me to Candace, were all things that attracted me to you all those years ago. Her strength, her compassion, her willingness to take control, her heart, her laughter, and yes, the strong physical attraction. But, while all those things should have had me falling in love with her, they just made me fall more in love with you, because every time she would do, or say something that was so like you, it took me further from her and closer to you.

When I told you that I had taken the easy way out, I meant it. Being with Candace was like being with you at the beginning of our relationship, only missing the things that make you so uniquely you. So by being with her I thought I could experience some of those wonderful times, only without the problems and stress of our relationship. It was selfish, it was hurtful to you and to Candace, it was unrealistic. How could I possibly experience the wonders of our relationship with someone else? God T…I was so fucked up! I used her (even though I don’t think I knew it at the time). I was looking for the strength that is so apparent in Candace, but because I was so lost, I couldn’t see the strength that was right in front of me. You stood right there beside me through everything, yet I didn’t see your incredible strength, because I couldn’t see through the darkness of my own weaknesses.

Baby, you asked why I am in love with you…

When you and I first met, the attraction was instant, overwhelming, uncontrollable. I remember feeling powerless to the incredible desire that pulled me to you. Then, when I found your earring, I felt that fate had surly stepped in and was leading me down my rightful path. And as we spent time together, and I could finally get my bearings, I fell in love with you, the woman…not just you the titalwave. I fell in love with your strength, your independence, your kindness, your heart, your sense of humor, both your gentle and your playful side, your love of life…and of course, your beauty. I fell in love with how you loved me. I fell in love with how I felt just by being around you. I fell in love with myself, because with you beside me, I could finally be the person I always wanted to be, but could never quite achieve on my own.

Oh Tina…I fell in love with so many things…the way you talk with your hands…the way you always sleep on you stomach, and that you can’t fall asleep unless some part of your body is touching me…I love how you hold your coffee cup (you’re the only person I know who doesn’t hold it by the handle)…the way you wiggle your eyebrows…how you are so gentle with the garden…I love how you accept with ease your roll as the “family” counselor to all of us…how you sway your hips to the music when you are cooking…how you bite your lower lip when you’re thinking about something…how you truly care about the world around you.

Baby, I could keep going and going, listing all the things you do, all the things you are that caused me to fall in love with you, and I will keep going if you will let me. Know that I am in love with you for so many reasons, but especially because with everything that has happened, you are still here, in my life. God T, how incredible you are!


Tina…I just went back and reread what I have written and I am sorry. I am trying to explain it to you, but I can’t seem to get what is in my heart to show itself on paper. Please T, let me keep trying…I want to get it right, for you and for me.

Please…let me know that it’s Ok to keep going.

I love you Tina,

Bette