Alice groaned, tipped sideways and disappeared under a couch cushion.

“Oh come on, it’s really not that bad Alice, it’ll only be for a week…”

A muffled groan dramatically arose from the couch.

“Now really Alice, don’t be such a child…”

Alice peeked out from beneath the cushion, blew a raspberry and disappeared again.

Bette sighed. Her head tilted slightly as she studied the prone, groaning form of her once lover and now close friend. She narrowed her eyes, and smirked before striding to the couch and attempting to rip the cushion from Alice’s grasp.

“Bette, no gimme!” Alice held on desperately, being dragged bodily to the floor. Bette tried to wrestle the cushion away from Alice, the struggle lasting a few moments before Bette suddenly let go, shaking her head.

“You know what, I’m not even going to continue… I’m not even going to play these games with you Alice,” She shook her head, threw her left hand up in the air and began walking out of the room before turning and pointing sternly at the pouting face of her friend. “You will mind the house for the week, you will enjoy it. You will not throw any wild parties, you will not have ***** in our bed with any man, woman or donkey and when we get back, that is when Tina and I return we will find our house exactly the same as it was when we left and a smiling happy Alice grateful for having had the opportunity to reside in a beautiful house for the week.”

Bette and Alice stared at each other, unblinking, challenging, daring the other to look away.

Not surprising to either of them, Alice buckled first. She threw her hands up. “Okay okay fine miss bossy boots, Jesus I’ll do it. I’ll mind your perfect house and not taint it with any of my sexual exploits. With donkeys or otherwise. Now help me up.” Alice thrust her hand into the air, which Bette walked over, grabbed and neatly pulled her into a standing position.

“Look, is it really that bad a request? I thought you’d be thrilled, you know this is a chance for Tina and I to…” Bette’s stern countenance disappeared, her eyes pleading.

“Yeah yeah I know, for you and Tina to do the whole re-bonding thing and yadda yadda… Oh God not with the eyes Bette, I already said yes!” Alice ran her hands over her clothes, attempting to straighten them from the recent couch-cushion-clutching-wrinkling expedition they’d gone through. “Wow, there’s not a bit of dust on me, how is that possible… Oh wait I’ve found a hair!” She plucked it from her shoulder, squinted at it, before mumbling somewhat dejectedly “Oh that’s mine.”

Bette smiled gratefully putting both hands on Alice’s shoulders. “Thankyou.”

Alice looked up into Bette’s face in surprise. “You’re, uh, welcome, oomph.” She managed to say before being pulled into a tight hug by Bette.

“A girl goes to the bathroom and finds her lover and best friend in each other’s arms when she returns?” Bette pulled back from Alice, and turned teary eyes to smile at Tina who was leaning up against the hallway wall watching them.

“She said yes!” Bette half whispered, emotion making her voice waver.

“Jesus Bette, are you pregnant? PMSing? You’re acting like I just offered you my pancreas or something.” Alice shook her head, and then went about gathering up her handbag and jacket.

Tina brightened, standing freely. “You’ll do it?”

“Yeah I’ll do it, enough with the big deal stuff.” Alice tucked part of her fringe back behind her ear. “Well as exciting as this all is I must leave you two ladies, you know, people to call and weekend plans to cancel. It was, well it was real.” Alice kissed Tina’s cheek, and motioning to Bette with a nod of her head said. “No need to worry about your woman, you know, been there done that and all.” She winked as Tina raised an eyebrow and Bette rolled her eyes. “Bye guys.”

“Bye Alice. Be here tomorrow around 4?”

“Yeah yeah, you bossy *****…” Alice muttered as the front door closed behind her.

“I heard that!” Bette yelled out. Tina smiled and walked slowly over to Bette, putting her arms around her waist and hugging her as a faint “Bite me.” echoed from the front yard.

______________________________

“Hey Dane, it’s Al, where are you?”

“Hey Al, I’m nearly at the Planet…”

“***** *****! You mothering *****!”

Dana stopped mid-step, both eyebrows raised as she stared at her phone. Bringing it gingerly back to her ear when the profanity subsided she said quietly “Um Al, you okay?”

Alice veered sharply to the right, the mini zigzagging through traffic at an alarming speed. “Yeah sorry Dana, this prick just completely cut me off!”

Dana quickly pulled the phone away from her ear again as loud honking noises came blaring from Alice’s end of the conversation.

“Dana? Dana!”

Dana quickly put the phone to her ear again. “Yeah I’m here.” She started walking again, The Planet sign coming into view.

“Look I’ll be there soon, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’m canceling that thing we were going to do this weekend, you know with the oils and the massage…”

Dana stopped walking again. “You’re canceling? But we’ve had this planned for weeks! And you know what I had to go through to get that appointment… Al-lice.”

“Yeah I know, look I’m sorry but Bette and Tina are going to that ***** retreat thing and they called me over last night because they want me to mind the house and you know I was going to say no, I mean why don’t they ever ask Shane to do this *****, but then Bette went all power-***** on me and…”

Dana sighed. “Look, look it’s fine, just get here okay? In one piece, and not mangled in that tiny car of yours.”

“Yeah kay, See you real soon.” Alice disconnected before Dana could say anything else. Dana shook her head and kept walking, though not five seconds later was wondering why she hadn’t just sustained a major heart attack as Alice pulled up suddenly beside her honking the horn.

Dana glared at Alice as she, smirking, got out her car. “Hey hot stuff.” Slipping on her sunglasses, and locking the mini, Alice sidled up to a rather pissed off Dana.

“Jesus Al, why do you have to do that?” Dana slapped Alice’s arm as they entered The Planet.

“Because with your barely there *****, and hence practically ***** free, life I think it’s good to jump start your heart every now and then with a little fear.” Alice chuckled as she threw herself down next to Shane, who was already on her third espresso of the morning and was rifling through some random magazine.

“Who says my life is ***** free. ” Dana muttered as she sat opposite them, still frowning.

Alice just smirked as Shane chuckled. “Hey guys.”

“Okay Shane, what are you doing this weekend?” Alice turned toward Shane, ignoring Dana who was still glaring at her.

Shane looked momentarily perplexed, as if the notion of her doing anything other than going out and hooking up with random beauties was impossible. “Uhh… I’m going to assume something with you?”

Alice blinked, smiling. “Well Bette and Tina have left me their house, so I’m thinking we should have some sort of gathering. They said no wild parties, but you know, gathering would be fine.”

Shane grinned, shaking her head. “Al, our gatherings pretty much turn into wild parties. Bette’s going to kill you.”

Alice bit her lip, before grinning back. “Yeah well, serves her right.”

______________________________

“Tee, honey, I don’t really think pink is my color.” Bette wrinkled her nose at the pink cotton shirt she was holding up in front of her. “And embroidery just really doesn’t do anything for me.” She tilted her head to the left, somehow hoping that the pink thing in her hands would morph into a white button-down tapered shirt. With a collar, a really big collar.

Tina walked into the room, a pile of clothes draped over arms. She dumped them on the bed, before glancing up at Bette and then the shirt in her hands.

“Did you buy that?” Tina frowned.

“No, I thought you did. For me.”

Tina smirked. “Unless I was really, really pissed off at you, I would never… Ever… buy you a pink shirt, with embroidered flowers, and no collar.”

Bette smiled in relief, and threw the, the ‘thing’, on the bed. “Thank God, I was afraid I was going to have to wear it or offend you.” Bette walked over to where Tina was standing, putting her arms around her and leaning down, brushing the slightest of kisses against her lips. Tina brought her hands up, resting them just below Bette’s shoulders.

“Well I’m sure you could accomplish both at the same time.”

Bette’s smiled broadened, she chuckled before leaning in to plant another kiss.

“Mmmm aren’t we meant to be packing?” Tina whispered as Bette’s attention moved from her mouth to her neck.

“Mmmhmmm.” Bette mumbled, making her way to an earlobe, sucking on it gently before nipping it with her teeth.

“Hey! I need that.” Tina grinned, meeting Bette’s mouth with her own for a few moments, before pulling back. “You know, we really have to pack, Alice is going to be here in…” She glanced at the bedside table where the alarm clock stood. “… forty five minutes. Unless you’re planning on walking around naked, which would really suit me fine but would kind of hinder your social standing and all being I wouldn’t let you out of the cabin…”

“Oh you wouldn’t would you?” Bette grinned, swaying her hips slightly.

“No, no I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t dare unleash that on the poor unsuspecting women who think they’ve gone to a retreat for peace and relaxation and end up imploding from the sheer vision of miss naked ***** on legs here.” Tina smirked, eyebrows raised.

“Naked ***** on legs huh?” Bette shook her head. “I love you Tee.”

“You’d better.”

______________________________

“Yeah… No… No she and Bette just left… Yup, all by myself… All by my lonesome…. Oh come on Dana please? We can watch Bound! and The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls… what do you mean you don’t like Bound? How can you call yourself a ***** and not like Bound?… Uhuh… Uhuh… Okay, two words for you sweetie, Gina Gershon… What do you mean you can’t stand people playing lesbians when they aren’t really *****?… Oh, just fine, just get over here and we’ll watch Bette’s secret stash of dirty movies or something… Just… Just come now!” Alice hung up, looked around and slowly blew out a breath.

Her fingers starting tapping out a rhythm on her leg. She smacked her lips together, making them ‘pop’ before a tune started to hum its way out of her throat. Words soon followed.

“Lollypop… Lollypop,,, Oh la la lolly lolly…. Lollypop… Lollypop… Oh la la lolly lolly… Lollypop…. Lollypop… Oh la la lolly lolly…. Lollypop.” She made a popping noise, and enjoyed a moment of pride at the sheer volume the pop had made, before frowning deeply.

“***** this.”

______________________________

Dana rang the door bell, hoping it would be heard above the ‘doof doof’ music coming from inside Bette and Tina’s house. God, what the ***** was Alice listening to? It was awful.

She rang the doorbell again.

She knocked on the door.

“Alice!”

She started pounding on the door before the music suddenly stopped and it was opened by an out of breath Alice.

“Jesus Dana, break the door down why don’t you.”

Dana brushed by her, entering the house. “What were you listening to?”

Alice’s face brightened. “Oh check it out! I found Eurovision cd’s!” Alice bounded over to the cd player, and hit the play button. The ‘doof doof’ came back along with way too happy song about being well, happy, and friends and… *****?

Alice was singing along at the top of her lungs. “Let’s get happy and let’s be *****! All our troubles they will fade away!” At Dana’s unimpressed look however she again turned it off.

“What the ***** is Eurovision? Is it a band?” Dana threw her keys, jacket and bag on the couch.

“Oh Dana Dana you don’t know Eurovision?” Alice, bounding again, did so over to the couch and jumped on it. “Isn’t it so great being here without Bette and Tina? It’s like my parents went away and left me alone with all their stuff for me to go through!”

“It’s actually kind of weird… but what was that music? And are you on something?” Dana sat down.

“Yeah, you liked it didn’t you… okay Eurovision is like this music competition held every year in Europe right, and each country sends in their best music act or whatever and they all compete against each other. But it’s tacky you know? Like everyone trying to sing in english, and glitter and dancing! It’s great!”

Dana looked, almost mortified. “And Bette owns cd’s from it?”

“I know!” It was almost scandalous.

“So, play me more.”

______________________________

Shane entered Bette and Tina’s, not really expecting anything but certainly not expecting to find Alice and Dana singing very loudly, and very badly, in Russian?