Yeah its in my top drawer Bette calls back

Tina moves around the bed and opens the first drawer as directed. There is an assortment of indiscriminate items that would be homeless if it wasnt for this drawer. Tina half-heartedly pushes a few objects around but stops suddenly, her attention captured by one small item laying discreetly in the front corner closest to the bed. A simple gold ring that signifies her past, her love and, God willing, her future. Tinas heart skips a beat, her eyes drawn to the simple piece of jewelry. She swallows a lump that has suddenly lodged in her throat and reaches out taking the ring between her thumb and index finger. Slowly lifting it from the confines of the drawer, she places it carefully on the open palm of her right hand. Not so many weeks ago she found it lying on the top of Bettes bedside table and her desire to wear it was irresistible. She had come to the house that day to pack her belongings, it was to be a major step toward a place where Bette would be in her past and hopefully, one day, a memory less painful. She had slipped on the ring, wanting to feel the security that it afforded her just one last time. Her mind slipped back to the shoebox of letters she had read that day. Bette had penned them years ago and she knew most of them by heart. They held all of her lovers best intentions, all the things Bette wanted Tina to know, to have, to believe. Even after all they had been through in recent times Tina knew better than to lessen Bettes intentions to the rank of empty promises. She couldnt reconcile it in her mind but in her heart she knew that Bette loved her truly through every single day of the ***** they had endured. Tinas ability to trust continued to cry in a darkened corner of her soul, inconsolable at the injustice that had been exacted then excused without retribution. Trust was going to take her sweet time getting to a place of believing in Bette Porter again, Tinas heart was already there. Each time they were together through the months past Tina found herself checking Bettes left hand to see if she had removed her ring. Afraid of what it would mean if one day it was missing.

Dyou find it? Bettes voice startles Tina, lost in her thoughts she didnt hear Bette enter the bedroom

Ahhhh.no The truth passes her lips before she can come up with a less direct response. She feels Bettes body press into her back and those strong arms slide around her waist drawing them together. Bettes chin rests on her right shoulder and Tina knows she is caught.

Looks like you found something else though The even tone in Bettes response is unreadable.

Yeah Tina feels herself blushing like a guilty schoolgirl

Bette swallows hard, this was a conversation that she wanted but had never quite known how to initiate or even if it was time to do so. She tries to keep her breathing even despite the rapid beating of her heart. They both continue staring at the ring expectantly, neither knowing where to start or even what should be said.

What do you see? Bette whispers

Tina flinches at the question, certain that her initial response was not going to do her any favors she digs deeper, beyond the pain and into the reserves of love she has for the woman holding her.

You and me, yesterday, today and forever Its a small white lie, Tina knows that she sees more of yesterday and that forever is obscured from view. She runs her left hand along Bettes slender forearm, her index finger coming to rest on the matching ring that fits neatly on her hand You never took it off. There was a question hidden deep within the statement.

I couldnt do it. I couldnt give up Bette squeezes Tina around her waist

Im glad

Do you think that you could maybe Bette is amazed at how hard this is, finding herself nervous, much like she was on the night she asked Tina for a lifetime together.

Wear it again? Tina asks, interpreting Bettes inarticulate ramblings.

Yeah, well actually nonot quite

Then what? Confusion traced its way across Tinas features and Bette knew she had to bite the bullet. She had agonized over this for hours but still found herself unable to predict Tinas response.

Come sit with me Bette directed Tina to the bed and they sat side by side. Bette places her hand over Tinas and picks up the ring.

When you left that night and I found this on the dresser, it felt like the end. This is the symbol my love and commitment to you Bette holds the ring between them

Our commitment to each other Tina corrects

Our commitment to each other Bette corrects herself before continuing And I broke that commitment

Bette, you cant keep beating yourself up Tina raises a hand to Bettes back and rubs gently feeling the tight muscles through Bettes shirt

I cant bring myself to ask you to wear this ring when its a symbol of something that I ruined. Its a reflection of who we were and I want us to be better than that, I want to be more for you Bette takes off her own ring and places it in the palm of her hand beside Tinas. These represent our past, T and that is what I see when I look at them

So what then? Dyou want us to get new rings? Tina takes her hand from Bettes back and rests it on her own thigh.

No Bette looks at Tina and smiles, as if lost in some distant memory Theres been far more good than bad in the last seven years. I dont want to replace them, I want to refine them

Tina sits quietly waiting for Bette to explain herself while Bette wishes that she hadnt jumped into this conversation without preparing what she was trying to say.

I know this jeweler who does amazing work and I was going to ask her to melt our rings down and create new ones. I want to give you something new, something more Tina still sits silently so Bette continues I cant stand the thought of you wearing a ring that signifies something that I desecrated. I want to re-commit myself to you by taking the old and making it new again

Tina remained silent, taking it all in. It was clear to her that Bette had put a lot of thought into this. She didnt want to disappoint her lover but something deep within refused to let Tina negate her own feelings in order to please Bette.

Baby Bette gently pushes for a response. Tina lowers her head and shakes it slowly.

I dont know She whispers sadly

What is it? Bette anxiety evident, she wasnt prepared for rejection

Im notready yet Tina reluctantly admits

Bette closes her fingers over the rings and lowers her hand to the bed.

Baby, Im sorry Tinas voice is laced with regret for the pain she cannot spare her lover

I see Bettes words are clipped I just assumed that everything was back to normal because

What? We make love and all the hurt is supposed to disappear? Were moving in the right direction but I just need some time. I dont want to tell you that everythings OK when it isnt

Whats wrong? Bettes voice waivers on the border between frustration and confusion

Theres still things, Bette. I have questions that need answers and some of them are going to take time. Youre going to have to give me that if were going to get through this

Youre scaring me Bettes honesty is raw as that all too familiar feeling of uncertainty claws at her once more

Im sorry

Is this what you want? Bette gestures to their surrounds

Yes

With me?

Its meaningless without you Tina implores I love you, dont doubt that

How can I not when you sound unsure about us?

Its just hard sometimes. When I look at that ring Im so torn between all it means to me and the reason that I took it off

I wont ask you to wear it, T. Im sorry, I forgot that it was in there, I didnt even mean for us to have this conversation yet Bette retreats, wanting this behind them before more damage is done.

I just want to remember what it is to love you without the weight of forever The words spring forth but Tina doesnt even know what they mean so how could Bette possibly understand?

Do you still think of me as your partner, as your wife?

Yeah I do Tina smiles weakly I know its messed up. How come I wont wear the ring when youre still my wife? Im sorry for being like this but

Shhh, its OK Bette reaches out and guides Tina into her arms You take all that you need, theres no rush, Ill be here

The disappointment so evident in Bettes eyes is hidden from Tinas view but she knows that this is another step and fears it may not be in the right direction.

TBC