You Want Jenny


Francesca sounds bemused. She smashed the wine bottle against the window? Shes classier than I thought. She loved this. Making an excellent meal, then spoiling everyones appetite. She made a fool out of both Jenny and I tonight. I should have expected nothing less.

Marina cringed, recalling this horrible evening. Why did I let her invite Jenny here? I knew this was a mistake. I should have called her myself, intercepted Francescas ridiculous plan, and told her not to come. I should have at last spoken my heart to her. Why was it so hard? Everything I wanted to say was true: Dont accept this invitation, Jenny. Its too soon. I cant get you out of my mind. Youre all I can think about: Your face, your eyes, your body, and the taste of your skin. I cant be near you with Francesca here. When she sees us together, with all of the unfinished business between us, she will know this affair was more than I led her to believe. She will take it out on you. She will take it out on me. Please dont come here.
But I didnt say a word. I let Francesca play her game with Jenny at that stupid club.

Really, Marina, Im so curious to talk to her. We should be properly introduced.

Dont worry, Ill be pleasant to her. She must be a wreck with all the changes shes going through.

Ill never know what they actually said to each other. I had disappeared to the bathroom in an attempt to extract myself from this unfortunate encounter. But as I returned to collect Francesca, the sadness in Jennys eyes, and her pained expression told me all I didnt want to know. She was trying desperately to keep it together. She was trying to stay calm. She was trying not to cry. I felt so sick inside, smiling sweetly and acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. After so much time managing Francescas grandiose personality, Ive learned to mask my feelings pretty well. I sometimes wished Jenny possessed such armor. Im sure she had no clue how I was dying inside. I couldnt even meet her eyes. I would have given myself away.
Jenny called herself a coward. I am a coward as well.
Now upstairs in my bedroom, our bedroom, I braced myself for Francescas impending wrath. I know she feels hurt and threatened. This sort of messy indiscretion had never happened before. She feels me pulling away after tonight, and it has her worried.

How many times has she returned to me, after weeks or months, full of stories and laughter, easing my loneliness and filling my life again? This time her arrival is ill timed, to say the least. Jenny is so present in my heart and in my mind. I thought having her out of my life for these past few days with Francesca back at home again would make me realize that what we had was just a simple case of lust, merely a lonely fling. But it was much more than that. I realize that just cant let her go.
I know now that Im willing to risk my relationship with Francesca just as Jenny had risked hers. But is it all too late? I have been so careless with her feelings, so arrogant to say those things on our last morning together. Everything had finally felt so right. We were happy, laughing and at ease. There was love in her eyes. She had at last allowed herself to fall for me. And as she kissed me so tenderly, intertwining her fingers in mine, I let myself fall too. We made love so assuredly, so completely. She was ready to trust and share her life. And I ruined it all in a heartbeat. Did I really think she would know about Francesca? And that she would have immediately understood our relationship without feeling threatened and used? I had so many chances to make things right before tonight, yet Ive let every opportunity pass me by.

Francesca saunters upstairs into the bedroom as if nothing has happened. The pit in my stomach upon seeing her told me all I had feared and dare not say: I dont want to be with her anymore. No. Dont even think it. How could I ever leave her? Where would I go? She and I are tied in ways I cant even begin to explain. Not even to myself. When we met, I had nothing, knew nothing. She gave me all I ever wanted. I could scarcely breath without missing her, needing her. She gave me a life full of possibilities. There were difficulties, yes, as in every relationship. I ignored the darker aspects of her personality, of our competitive dynamic, and of the ever-present imbalance of power. I knew it was never true self-sacrificing all encompassing love, but love nonetheless. Francesca is like a force of nature, compelling and beautiful, but also highly destructive at times.

It felt like we had it all in the beginning. We shared an amazing sense of freedom in our love for each other. With her work taking her far away for periods of time, each return to me was like the first time we met. We lived for those moments. And both of us having the freedom to indulge in the occasional dalliance while on our own made it all the more delicious. But something has changed somewhere along the way. We have lost track of each other, our needs and desires. Francesca began some time ago treating me as her possession. She has always loved her sense of power and domination over me. In the beginning, I was more than willing to allow her this. Her power over me sexually was something I had never experienced. My desire and attraction for her was so strong. I was completely captivated. Her power over me began to seep into every part of our life together. With every expensive gift, each exotic vacation, this amazing house, and finally her funding of The Planet for mewell, I find myself deeply resenting the imbalance. When angry or threatened, she never fails to remind me of all she has done for me, in an attempt to keep me in my place. Of course I bite back, like a petulant child, acting out in some kind of way. There is something cruel and manipulative in all of our interchanges, laced with jealousy and misplaced anger.


Listen, Marina, Francesca says in a quiet, serious tone.
I know youre upset. I am too. She moves towards me, as Im sitting on the bed, lost in revisiting our history.

Im sorry. I say these words so automatically, so often. Why did you have to act that way? I mean, it was so embarrassing. You went out of your way to. But she cut me off mid-sentence.

You were embarrassed? You? Do you have any idea what that felt like, to come downstairs and find you there holding her, kissing her .in my own house? She begins to pace back and forth in front of me, with that scolding tone that makes my blood boil.

The very moment I walked away, Marina. Her anger barely contained, she adds,
I would never do that to you. Have I ever treated you with such disregard?

Yes, you have, I thought. Many times. Why cant I think of one instance now? Her anger has always scared me. And now, seeing that anger mixed with jealousy and insecurity I feel downright terrified.

Dont say a word, I remind myself.
You can never win.
Let her do her thing and this will blow over.

As I study her movement across the room, I search for the picture in my memory of the woman I fell in love with. Is there any way to repair this terrible night? I must try to forget about Jenny. This is madness.

So I gather myself together with all the warmth I can manage and look up at her, my eyes asking for forgiveness. I wish I could tell her how difficult these past few months have been, without her beside me. Was that why Ive fallen for someone else?
She stops pacing and looks at me, her expression beginning to soften a bit. Maybe there will be no storm tonight. She comes to sit beside me on the bed, taking my hand and holding it sweetly. We sit for a moment in stillness. Slowly, she takes my hand to her face, kisses first my palm, and then each finger. She moves my hair away and places a soft kiss on the back of my neck and then returns her face to rest on my shoulder. Wrapping her arms around my waist, she brushes her hair against my shoulder and whispers in my ear, Lets just forget this night and go to bed. She looks deep into my eyes now, and kisses me softly. I know exactly what she has on her mind. ***** is how we resolve every conflict, every doubt and insecurity. Its the one strength in our relationship thats never been in question. Theres a bit of sadness in her lovely voice, I note, as she softly kisses my neck again, the perfume of her hair finding my nose. I feel helpless and utterly distracted. She begins trailing her smooth, strong hands across my face and neck. I realize I dont want to make love, but I cant say no. Not after tonight. Too much damage has been done between Francesca and I. I remind myself again: I must forget Jenny come back. This is whats real. This is the woman that loves me. And I love her.

Quietly, I lay back on the bed, inviting her to me. My mind drifts back thinking of so many times together. How I never tired of touching her. How well I know her body. And how well she knows mine, like no other. Every curve. Every inch. Every secret. Its committed to memory. Giving exquisite pleasure to one another is second nature to us.

She moves slowly to me, untying my robe to reveal my naked body, inspecting and searching me with her eyes and fingertips, saying nothing. I wonder if shes looking for some trace of Jenny that she can detect. Some scratch, some mark left in the heat of passion. She doesnt know the last time we were together. I never told her Jenny was here the very day before she returned. Our eyes meet now. Yes, I see it. She knows Jenny is not long out of my life. If she suspected before, tonight certainly confirmed that. She has to reclaim me for herself now. Her fingers trace my body with a tenderness that I sometimes forget she possesses. Her touch makes me shudder. She feels so good, but I am so far away.

I do not speak. I dont dare search her eyes. She will see the liar. She will know that my body is here with her, but my heart is not. Not after tonight. We both know somethings been broken. Jenny called it so clearly, right to our faces. She shattered something tonight besides a wine bottle.
.

Now, let me see my beautiful girl, she purrs, eyes beginning to glow with yearning.

She leans against the foot of our bed at my feet. She parts my knees, sliding them open wide. Moving onto her knees, between my legs, she softly traces the contours of my ***** with her fingertip, the other hand stroking my thighs and stomach, up to my *****. Teasing me the way she does so well. I feel the rush of blood, the swelling in my *****, the wetness beginning to flow from inside. I sit up and reach for her. To kiss her, undress her. We should both be exposed here, naked before each other. I don’t want to be the only one. She takes my kisses eagerly, her tongue flicking mine, gently biting my lower lip. Then moving deep inside my mouth. I feel her body burning against mine. I reach inside her shirt, moving her bra out of the way, rolling her nipples between my fingers. They are so hard. She has the most beautiful ***** I have ever seen. Softly, she stops my hands and takes hold of my wrists, guiding me down on my back again. My mind is churning as a warm flood begins to take me from Jenny, if just for the moment. Im longing for Francescas touch, for her tongue, for the way it was.

Take your clothes off. I say, softly.

She moves close to me, her lips hovering over mine. She kisses me again deeply, biting my lower lip as she releases her mouth from mine.

No, baby, this is just for you. Just for you.
Ive missed you so much.

She begins kissing me again, more passionately, drinking in my mouth, her tongue probing, licking, sucking. She moves to my neck again, and slowly up to my ear.

Pulling back my hair, gently nibbling my ear, she softly whispers,
Did you ***** her here in our bed?
I bet you did.

She is trailing soft kisses now down my neck to my *****, taking each nipple in her mouth, gently sucking and licking. I look up at the ceiling, feeling anger building in my chest. She wants me to tell her about Jenny, about making love to her here in our bed. I am reminded of what Jenny said about talking about our conquests in order to find the other desirable. I dont want to do this. Not anymore.

Were you the first woman she ever had? She asks coyly.

Yes. I say, reluctant to engage in this.

Yes, you were. She confirms for herself. I could tell.
I know you loved that, teaching her.

I try to close my legs, to let her know I dont like this game, but she tenses her body, her knees keeping them parted, smiling mischievously at me now. I begin to feel faintly humiliated.

Francesca, please. She cups my face in her hands, searching my eyes for her own truth, her own conclusions. Shes not interested in what I have to say. She knows Im hiding something that Im not about to admit.

Still I try. In the most sincere tone I can manage.

Dont do this. Its over. Im so sorry about tonight. It wasPlease, lets just put it behind us. Please.

She just smiles again, tracing my eyes with her fingers, as if shes highlighting their betrayal of me. She begins kissing my ***** again, harder now, more urgent, moving down my torso, intent on her game. Her tongue is patiently sliding down my body towards her goal. She reaches up to me and traces my lips with her finger, toying with my mouth. Our eyes meet, I see her face beginning to flush with passion.

Did you teach her how to properly go down on you?

I say nothing.

Did she do it willingly? She wonders aloud,
Hmm, I think she must have. How could she not want to taste you?
You have the most beautiful *****.

She sighs, moving her face down between my legs. She strokes my *****, opening me with her fingers, her tongue probing, gently tasting me. I feel so exposed here. Naked, while Francesca, fully dressed, makes love to me. But I cant deny my arousal.

Oh, youre so wet. She softly sighs, passion soaking her voice.
I knew you would like talking about Jenny.

She smiles and gently begins to take my swollen ***** in her mouth, sucking ever so lightly, letting go with a flick of her tongue. Looking up at me, she pleads in her mock tone,

Tell me, Marina. Tell me about ***** her.

I gaze down at her, filling quickly with anger and humiliation, my arousal still building, knowing there is no way out of this without relenting. In a split second, I decide to tell her what she wants to hear. Weve played this game many times. I know how it goes. Unfortunately, this time everything feels different. Jenny wasnt just a conquest. She wasnt just a story for Francesca and I to excite each other with. I hesitate for a moment, wondering to what degree of detail I should reveal.

Come on, darling, tell me about her first time. I want to hear the whole story. She asks again, delighted with her power game.
I mean. She pauses, looking up from between my legs as her finger gently strokes me. All you told me was that you had seduced this *****, beautiful writer. You didnt even tell me she was straight and about to be married. She softly laughs to herself.
What else did you leave out?

How does she know about Tim? Did Jenny tell her?

She pauses, noting my expression, delighted in knowing something that I didnt think she knew.

So, you brought her here, right? She says, prodding me on.

Yes I finally say, hesitating still. How can I not reveal how much that night meant to me?

She says slowly and seductively, I bet you couldnt wait to have her. Was she coy or eager? She takes me in her mouth again.

Francesca loves this game. Licking me in wide, long strokes in between her comments. I cant help but get completely aroused. God, she knows what I like.

After dinner I brought her to the house. We both knew what was going to happen. Her eyes were telling me all night. We began kissing outside overlooking the skyline. Then I brought her upstairs. There was no need for words. She wanted me so badly.

And you wanted her. She says with a smug smile, resting her face on my thigh.

Yes, I thought to myself. I wanted her more than you would ever care to know. I begin to tell her the story. Reliving that amazing night, surrendering to this game now fully. I picture Jennys naked body, her eyes swooning, opening to me, making love to me. The taste of her mouth, and the smell of her skin. Feeling her warmth inside, the taste of her, her moans of pleasure. Im getting so turned on imagining us together again.

I knew she would let me do whatever I wanted. There was no hesitation. She would give herself to me completely. I undressed her. She was so turned on. Even as we were kissing, she spread her legs wide, inviting me. I went down on her. I was kissing and licking her thighs first, opening her so slowly, tasting her, and then taking her ***** in my mouth over and over. I began tonguing her deep inside, until she almost came. Then I went inside her.
As I told the story, Francesca was stroking my *****, then moving down to enter me, teasing me, but not going inside. I was getting so hot I could barely continue to talk.

Was she tight? Or was she as open as you are now? She asks.

She entered me and gently plunged deep inside. I softly moan, sucking in breath, drawing her into my body, feeling her fingers moving inside me. I began to rock my hips in time with her slow thrusts, feeling myself opening more and more for her skilled fingers. Lying next to me now, shes kissing my neck as she begins to ***** me steady and slow, the throbbing in my ***** getting stronger.

She was so open I say, almost too excited to speak. So wet. I put three fingers deep inside her. I thought she would come right away, she was moaning so deeply. A moan escapes my own lips, as Francesca brings me closer to the edge.

I dont want to continue this story. I just want to feel my lover deep inside me. I dont want to talk about Jenny. I cant betray that night any more than I already have.

I decide to distract her, and bring her back to the here and now. ***** me deeper I tell Francesca. Its so good..

Francesca slows her rhythm again, stopping and softly starting again over and over, teasing me. Oh, I want to come. I say, hoping shes forgotten about my story. She slows her rhythm again, almost pulling out. She whispers in my ear, Not yet. She says, biting my hard nipples. Continue.
I cant even think anymore, she feels so good inside me, her thumb now gently rubbing my swollen, aching *****. I know how much she enjoys having me in this way, completely at her mercy. I cant deny I enjoy it myself, being controlled by her so totally.

So I continue.
Her body moved in perfect rhythm with my hand. I fucked her so hard and deep. She cried out so intensely. When she came, I could feel her body contract in waves in my hands. I stayed inside her and slowed my rhythm and she quickly came for me again.
Then with a sudden malicious compulsion, I added,
I didnt want her to leave that night. I wanted her to stay with me. I wanted to make love to her all night.
God, she was so ***** good.

My body is on fire, remembering how delicious making love to Jenny was. Im so close to the edge. I look at Francesca to see if my last comments had any effect. She looks serious now. That was more than she had wanted to hear.

I wonder if she fucked you that good? she asks, sounding smug and confident.

I dont think so.

She begins stroking my ***** harder and faster with her thumb, entering me with two fingers again. Her voice is so sweet and erotic. I know she must be so wet. I want to touch her, to be inside her.

She looks at me again, so hot.
Do you wanna come for me now, baby?

Oh. Yes. I plead.

She tells me, Turn over. Hearing those words sends a shock through my body, knowing how good this will be.

She stays inside me as I swing my leg over her to go up on my forearms arching my ***** high in the air, opening myself for her strong fingers.

Oh, Marina. Youre so wet. So open.

Hearing her moaning as she makes love to me, her voice so turned on, brings me right to the brink. I know she must be aching for my touch. She enters me deeply with her tongue first, moaning intensely now.

Oh, my God, you taste so ***** good. Her breath and voice now getting ragged with passion, as the intensity begins to build more and more.

Her fingers enter me slowly now, but deeper than before. I begin pumping my hips back into her in time with her thrusts. Shes on her knees, her body pressing against me. Our rhythm becomes stronger, more fierce. Her free arm is sliding up my body, stroking my ***** up to the small of my back, making tiny circles, her nails gently scratching me. She grips the top of my shoulder over the back of my neck for extra leverage and begins ***** me harder still. .
Oh, god. Yes, yes, ***** me. Deep. Oh, there. Stay inside me and move deeper. She does. Oh, *****. Yes, Im coming. I cry out as I come, my *****, already dripping wet, spills more from deep inside leaving the sheets soaked as I fall face down on the bed, trembling and shaking. She stays inside me for a moment and then pulls out, stroking my inner thighs and ***** and laying her entire body on top of mine, burying her face in my hair and sighing as if she came with me.


Yes, I had betrayed Jenny, telling this intimate story of our lovemaking to Francesca as she fucked me. Jenny would be mortified to know. Guilt and regret start to creep into my thoughts. I turn over and lay next to Francesca, placing my head on her breast, taking in the smell of sweat on her skin. I began unbuttoning her blouse, trying to forget again about Jenny. Francescas heart is beating so fast. I caress her body as I open her shirt. I feel the heat rising from her body. I see shes so turned on. I want to return her lovemaking. I straddle her beautiful hips now, my eyes dancing over her body. Her nipples erect, face flushed with passion, sweat misting her face. I reach behind her to unhook her bra. She lifts herself up to oblige me, taking my face in her hands and looking at me, waiting for me to meet her gaze. I feel a sudden tension in her body, as she watches me. I try desperately to wipe away the guilt of my feelings for Jenny, avoiding her eyes. As I begin running my hands over her beautiful body, she lifts my chin up to meet her eyes. I knew she would see the truth at once.

Its not me you want, is it? She asks firmly and quietly. My expression betrays me instantly. She has always been able to read me so well. I cant say or do anything in this moment. I just freeze.

Thats what I thought. She says quietly.

I move off of her as she tries to turn over onto her side. Guilt washes over me again for now having betrayed both of my lovers. I didnt mean to fall so hard for Jenny. I want to tell her this, but I know better. It will not help anything. It wont change the facts.
She gets up, and goes to the bathroom without a word. When she returns, undressed, she gets into bed silently, turning away from me. Her silence is troubling. Francesca is never quiet. She is never out of things to say. The tension between us is suddenly immense. Something is about to explode. All I can do is wait for it.

My thoughts return to Jenny. How different she is from Francesca. I think of that first night again. Watching her face as she climaxed, so strong and passionately, my heart ached for her as she covered her eyes with her hands, tears streaming down her face. Watching this beautiful woman giving herself to me completely, deeply confused but so passionate, knowing the risk she was taking, yet no longer wanting to deny her desire. Her vulnerability is somehow incredibly brave. Thats one of the things that makes her so special to me. I held her in my arms that night and she cried for a while, guilty and confused, before deciding she had to go back home. The reality of what she had done starting to enter her thoughts. Thats when I told her I could fall in love with her. I would never share these details with Francesca. These moments were for Jenny and I alone. She was not going to invade that part of my story.

I know Francesca could feel that my thoughts had drifted to Jenny again. After a moment or two of stillness, she decides to exact her revenge by saying, Anyway, Jennys living back at home now with her husband. Theyre going to try and make another go of it despite your meddling. She says, almost scolding me. The pit in my stomach just returned. What are you talking about? I spitted out, unable to mask my shock.

Ever since we met, I knew the possibility of never having Jenny to myself was always there. I had hoped that somehow now everything would be different. I had counted on the fact that she had finally come to terms with her feelings for me, that she had chosen to at last give us a chance. But she felt I had betrayed her .Of course, she would go back to him. Hadnt she always?

But in a fit of denial, I added, Theyre not together anymore. I dont know where you got your information.

She rolled on her side to face me, stoking my back, pleased with her timing and information.
Im now lying on my stomach trying to recover from this horrible news.

Theyre not married either. I added quickly. Damn you, Jenny.

Oh, they are. Francesca quickly confirmed. They eloped after much drama and upset, of which you played a major part. Seems this fellow walked in on you and his fianc in a very intimate moment, much to his shock and surprise. Hmm, a detail you neglected to tell me, for some reason. Anyway, I heard they went to Tahoe and got married in some fit of desperation.

I could not believe she had this information. It has got to be a lie.

Who told you this? I manage to fumble out, still unable to lift my head.

She of course paid no attention to me. She just added added, nonchalantly, They always go back, sweetheart. They always go back.

Oh, God, please dont let this be true. Please dont let this be true. Who the ***** told her all of this? Theres no way Jenny could have told her this. But who would know about this? Alice? Bette? I got up at once, went to the dresser and grabbed some jeans and a tee shirt and headed to the bathroom to dress and wash my face. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I had to get away from her at once. I would not give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry like a broken hearted fool. Anyway, Im sure shes lying, just bluffing. Shes gotten the better of me again as she usually does. If Jenny has gone back to him, Ill have lost her forever.

What are you doing? She demanded to know as I shut the bathroom door.

I didnt answer. She laughed in this disgusted way that made me furious. God, shes so ***** cruel. Tears were imminent now. I composed myself as best as I could, and threw on my clothes. Opening the bathroom door, I quickly blurt out,

I need some air. Im going for a drive.

Are you going to see for yourself? She says with a laugh
If what I say is true?
Marina she says, still laughing, You are pathetic, my darling.

Thats the second time in a month Ive been called pathetic by a jilted lover. First Jennys jilted lover, and now mine. Maybe its true. Why do I care so much? Ive got to get out of here. I cant take this any longer. Am I going to see Jenny? I make a deal with myself: Im just going to drive and see how I feel. Thats all.

I fly out of the bedroom, heading towards the stairs.

You had better not do something foolish, Marina. You had better not Her voice was dead serious, but I was far past caring.

Of course I found myself on Jennys street in no time. I parked the car down the block, so it wouldnt be recognized. Quietly and quickly, I walked on the lawn, far from the windows of Tims house. I noticed all the lights were out. My heart was beating so hard in my chest. I was terrified by the insanity that has possessed me. I head around to Jennys studio. The lights are on. I quickly peer in the window at the back, avoiding the door in case Tim is in there with her. The studio is empty. The laptop is open and on. Where is she? Its four in the morning! I walk to the door, testing it to see if its locked. Its open. I walk inside. Oh my God, I have really lost my mind now. The studio smells of Jennys perfume. Theres also a smell of cigarette smoke in the air, an ashtray with butts next to the computer. She was here. She must be next door with Tim. *****, its true. *****. I dont care, I think to myself. I know she still loves me. I know she does. Shes just angry with me. I dont blame her. I was a complete ***** tonight. I never stood up for her or myself during Francescas cruel attack. She thinks Im a spineless user. I have to make things right again. I sit down on her bed, waiting for her to return, trying to stay calm, remembering the very last time I was in this studio. That day was going to be so perfect. We had all afternoon and evening to be alone. We had only begun to make love when Tim walked in.

I lay down on her bed, smelling her pillow to drink in more of her scent. I was so exhausted. I just wanted to close my eyes for a minute.

I wake to hear a voice saying calmly and quietly, What are doing here?

I open my eyes and sit up at once, completely disoriented. Its now morning. The lights streaming in the windows and there is Jenny, staring down at me, shocked and angry at my intrusion. Shes dressed in her pajamas and a tee shirt. She looks freshly showered, her hair still damp.

Marina, what the ***** are you doing here? How long have you been here? She says again, less calm. She just stands there, hands on her hips, staring at me, waiting for my response.

I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you. It was late, I guess I fell asleep. I fumbled the words out, feeling like a fool. I couldnt tell in my sleepiness and disorientation if my response made her less angry or more so

She stares at me, her eyes wide with disbelief.

I thought you would be here. Were you next door with Tim? I ask sheepishly, surprised at my weakness.

Thats none of your goddamn business. I am not your business anymore. She hissed.

You made clear to me last night that you dont give a ***** about me. She looks directly at me, fire in her eyes,
I was just a game to you. I know that now. What else could you possibly have to say to me?

Her eyes become glassy with tears.

You told her all about me, Marina, about my life. I was so stupid to believeto be so nave to think that you had feelings for me. And what really kills me is that I had no idea she even existed. No idea! You never told me about her. You made a ***** fool of me. How could you do that?

The pressure in my chest was about to explode. Tears started pouring from my eyes and I could not stop them.

Im so sorry, Jenny. Im so sorry. Please believe that you were never a game to me. Never.

I choked out the words as my sobs became more intense. I covered my eyes, trying to suck in air and calm myself. I cried as I havent cried in a long time. I doubled over, burying my face in my lap. God, I am really losing it. I knew what she said was true. I was so disgusted with the way I have treated this fragile, confused girl. I wanted to tell her that I didnt tell Francesca everything. I didnt show her Jennys story. I just told her a little bit about it.

Francesca knew very little about Jenny. She was, for the most part, just bluffing with her, playing with her. Shes very adept at manipulation and power games, and has an uncanny knack for spotting peoples weaknesses and insecurities and exploiting them. I have learned that all too well.

I couldnt deny that I havent talked about Jenny with Francesca. I had to. It was part of our relationship. It was the agreement we had. But that didnt make it right. I had been justifying my behavior no matter how questionable ever since I laid eyes on Jenny. Suddenly, I began to entertain the notion that maybe I had not been entirely honorable as Tim put it. I didnt feel like defending my behavior anymore.

Ive ruined everything, Jenny. I understand why youre so angry with me. Believe me. I just I dont know how to do this. I wasnt expecting..Theres no excuse for betraying you to Francesca.

She stands there looking at me, still in shock. Finally, she sits down next to me without a word, listening to me cry. After a moment or two, she puts her hand on my head softly, her fingers resting in my hair. Was she doing so reluctantly? She doesnt know what to do, I know. Shes never seen me fall apart like this. Shes never even seen me shed a tear. My sobbing grows stronger and more intense feeling her hand touching my head. I know shes afraid.

Shhhh. Marina, come on. Its ok. Its ok She says softly, trying to console me.

I cant stop crying, finally feeling the full effect of my life so torn to pieces at this moment.

Hey She says sweetly. Come here. Sit up. Youre not breathing. I sit up far enough only to bury my face in her lap, grabbing her tightly around the waist, trying desperately to stop crying, struggling for air, for something to say. Just a minute. She says, squeezing my shoulder sweetly, as she gets up.

At last, I sit up to see where she is going. My eyes feel swollen with tears and sleeplessness. I must look horrible. I dont care. She grabs a towel from the floor and goes to the studio door, covering the door window and clicking the lock shut. She doesnt want Tim to see me here, or to walk in on us again. I wish she had done that before. Maybe we wouldnt be in this predicament now. She begins walking back to me, almost smiling.
I should have done that before, huh? She says, her voice much lighter now.
Maybe wed still be sneaking around, meeting in bathrooms or your office, snatching a couple of hours at a time here on some afternoons.
But here we are. I suppose it was inevitable.

She returns, kneeling in front of me. Our eyes meet and I see that she is now crying too. She manages a faint smile again, her lips curling slightly, but says nothing.

Jenny.. I say. Quickly she reaches for me and wraps her arms around me tightly, her face now lying in my lap.

Come on, lie down with me here. I need to hold you. I say. We lie down together, clutching each other in silence. It feels so good to hold her again, her heart beating fast against the side of my chest, the smell of her skin easing my anxiety. I never want to let her go. This is what its supposed to feel like.

I just want to hold you for a moment. Then Ill go. Im sorry. I shouldnt have intruded like this. I know I dont have any right Shes lying next to me, her leg draped over my body.

She says softly, Marina. I dont want you to go. I dont want you to go.


Rolling over on top of me, she looks deep into my eyes. Stroking my face, her fingers wipe away the tears. Her expression is softer, more like the Jenny that has filled my heart and mind since I first layed eyes on her. She places a kiss on each side of my collarbone, just as she had on that last happy morning together. Our lips meet in a soft, brief kiss.

Jenny, Im a fool for not saying this before when I had a chance. Im so in love with you. I just dont know what to do.

She kisses me again this time deeper, more passionately, her tongue finding mine. She moves to my neck, placing soft kisses along my jaw line, moving her mouth towards my ear. She gently bites my earlobe, and puts her tongue softly inside my ear, gently probing and tracing the contours. She knows that makes me so wet. I want to take her now, but suddenly I feel unsure. For the first time, I feel confused.

She whispers, Im in love with you too, for a long time, maybe from that first night. I cant stop thinking about you. Every time I was with Tim, I kept seeing your face and wishing he were you. Ive been denying it and trying to hide it from everyone. I was so afraid of the way I felt for so long. Im tired of being afraid.
After a moment she tells me, Last night I was with Tim. I came home, so angry and humiliated. I just wanted to put you out of my mind. I felt lost and used, and it was a mistake. There is silence, as she waits for my response.

Do you want to try and make it work with him again? I say quietly, realizing that if this is in fact what she wants, I will have to walk away this time. Its too tortuous otherwise.

No. Its over. Hes seen this change in me, even before I saw it myself. He would never be able to trust me again. I can never go back to the way it was. Everything is different now. He told me this morning that he doesnt know me anymore, he said that its as if Ive done this thing and that its in me now, and I cant wash it away. And for the first time, I didnt apologize. Im sick of apologizing for falling in love with you. Im not sorry. And looking at you, holding you like this, even if Id known about Francesca, I wouldnt have done anything different.


Her face is hovering over me now, taking in my expression, feeling the weight of her words in my eyes. There are tears again in both of our eyes, and at last, we both smile. Slowly and silently, she rolls off of me, moving to my jeans, unbuttoning them, kissing my stomach as she unbuttons me. She gets up to help me remove them. I take off my shirt Standing before me, she undresses herself. Her eyes never leaving mine. In my haste to leave the house last night, I realize I didnt even put on underwear or a bra. My eyes take in her beautiful, petite body, eyes now beginning to burn with passion.

I slid over on to my side, making room for her next to me. Come here to me, I say.

She smiles at me, and we share a small laugh, both so surprised and excited to be here together right now. She lies down next to me, our mouths finding each others again. We begin to lose ourselves in each other, my mind burning with thoughts of making love to her again. Suddenly, she pulls her lips from my mouth, and rests her head on my chest. Her heart is pounding so fast. I know shes on fire for me, as I am for her. But somethings bothering her. She says, What happened after I left, Marina? Did Francesca know you were coming here? Did you have a fight or something. She asks quietly.


Yes, we had a fight, of sorts, after you left. She was very upset and jealous and extremely threatened. I pause, trying to think of the right way to approach this subject. Jenny, theres so much you dont know about me, about my relationship with Francesca. I wish I could explain it simply, but I cant. Im not proud of many things about us. I think you may have saw that in my manner last night. I begin to try and formulate the story for her. Put it into words, short and concise. But everything escapes me.

What did you do, just walk out? The writer in her must be trying to piece together the dramatic events after her exit.

I cant tell her what happened really. I just cant. Its too humiliating. I know damn well how dualistic and deceitful I have been, but nows not the time to come clean. We are balancing on a thin line. I cant wreck that. Besides, I never asked her about all the times she returned to Tim after making love to me. It was something I didnt want to know.

Jenny, how did you feel, all those times, leaving my arms to go back to Tim? Hearing those words, she holds me tight and sighs.
Did you feel conflicted and completely confused, unsure of the right direction to proceed? Did you plan on continuing to see me, without ever having to make up your mind one way or the other? I say to her, hoping she can relate to my situation without getting angry. She is still lying silently on my chest, once in a while stroking my arm or softly kissing my shoulder. I know what I am saying is resonating with her.

We didnt begin under the most ideal of circumstances, did we? she says quietly and sadly. It felt awful. Just awful. Coming home to Tim after being with you, pretending like nothing was out of the ordinary, when everything was out of the ordinary.

Yes, that is how I felt last night. I should not have let you come over. I just, I think that I really wanted to see you. I wanted to be near you. I missed you so much. I didnt even entertain the consequences. I was hoping you would see how Francesca is, how we are together. I wanted you to see the difference that I was trying to tell you about. The difference between you and me and the difference between Francesca and me. I should have known how angry you would be. I should have also known how Francesca would pick up on it and take it out on you. I was selfish, Jenny. So selfish. I guess I was counting on you understanding without having to explain this ridiculous situation she and I have ended up in.

I wonder to myself, Do we really have parallel situations, or am I just coping out? I start to feel slightly angry, frustrated. Angry at myself? Her? I just have to say this:

I only want to be with you, Jenny. I never wanted to stop seeing you in the first place. You mean so much to me, you have no idea. You can be so stubborn sometimes. I said you havent been paying attention You never saw that I was scared too. I still am. I just, I just cannot let you go. If you say you want to be with me, to give us a chance, I will end it with FrancescaI will.

Suddenly, she looks up at me, her blue eyes dark now, burning. She takes my face in her hands, and slides one leg between mine, to roll me on my back. She is no longer afraid to take the initiative. She kisses me deeply, passionately, holding me tight. Her mouth now finds my *****, taking each nipple and gently rolling her tongue over them. I feel her wetness on my thigh, as she rubs against me. I am aching with desire for her, my body burning. Everything becomes a blur.
Our bodies intertwined. Lips, tongues, fingers searching and exploring each others bodies with a determination like never before. She moves down between my legs, her hands parting my knees, opening my legs wide, her tongue exploring me, with soft, wide strokes that send me into ecstasy.
Shes gotten so good at this, I think to myself.
That feels so good. Oh, your tongue feels so good. I say, feeling the slow burn start to build. From between my legs, she looks up at me. Tell me what you want, Marina. I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.
She moves her face between my legs again and takes my ***** in her mouth, gently sucking and flicking her tongue fast and urgent, drinking in my taste.

Do you like when I suck your ***** like that?

Oh, God. Yes, I love that. I say with a moan.

I love to hear her talking to me like this while shes going down on me. How did she know? I guess we have both decided that this serious conversation must wait. She continues licking me, sliding one finger inside me now, probing and searching deep inside me. I feel like Im going to explode.

Do you like me inside you? She puts another finger, then another inside me, deeply, opening me. *****, this is so good. Im so open, she could put her whole hand inside me. She begins to move inside me, slowly in and out.
Marina, you ***** me so good. You can do anything you want to me. Anything She whispers, her hands rhythm now rocking hard in time with my hips.

Oh, God, Jenny. I feel the ***** building deep inside. But its too soon.

Wait. I say, gasping for breath. I dont want to come yet. I want to be inside you.

Reluctantly, she pulls out of me as I sit up to take her arms, laying her gently down on the bed. I get up, pulling her legs around to hang off the bed, as I kneel between them. I want to consume her. My desire is so strong. I part her legs wide as she sighs with anticipation. I begin working her with my tongue. Oh, God. You taste so good. So good. Shes moaning now, little whimpers of longing and satisfaction falling from her mouth. Her hands are in my hair, holding my head. I want to stay here all day, sucking and tasting her. I have never wanted anyone so much. I stick my tongue deep inside her and she moans and gasps and falls back on to the bed, unable to support herself sitting up. I continue ***** her with my tongue, my arms wrapped under her hips, pulling her into my mouth. She sits up on her forearms to watch me, then letting her head fall back as she gasps in ecstasy. I work her closer and closer to the edge. Shes whimpering with desire, gasping and alternately holding her breath. Then she says, Marina, breathless, with a sly smile. Um, I got something for you, she hesitates Before. I, um, bought a *****. Would you like that?
I want you to ***** me with it. Her voice is aching with desire.

We both smile at the idea of this new possibility. She laughs at her boldness.

I look deeply into her eyes telling her yes. She reaches up for me, kissing me deeply, then reaches under the bed, sliding out a box for me. I sit on the side of the bed now, opening the box. She is seated behind me, her tiny body wrapped around me, kissing the back of my neck, placing small bites and kisses all over me, moaning and sighing with desire. Her fingers reach around me and are stroking my ***** as I prepare the ***** for her. I place the *****, its thick and long, into the leather harness. Theres a little bottle of lube in the box. Shes put some thought and research into this, I think to myself, smiling. I turn my head to kiss her deeply, sucking her tongue and she groans with desire. Getting up, I step into the harness, sliding it up my legs, resting on my hips. She tightens the straps around me, and then slowly moves to the edge of the bed, parting her legs wide for me to reveal her swollen *****, so wet . I know shes open and ready. I take the bottle of lube and slide it all over the *****, watching her writhing in anticipation, her legs spread wide open waiting for me. Lifting her hips up off the bed, she groans as I position the ***** on her *****, gently sliding it up and down her *****, teasing her opening, but not entering her yet. I place the head of the ***** at her opening and then continue sliding up and down the length of her, teasing her until she cant stand it anymore. Oh. Marina, ***** me. ***** me she moans, rotating her hips up and forward as I slide the ***** deep inside her. She gasps loudly, lifting herself off the bed, resting on her forearms again, watching me ***** her. Her eyes are swooning in ecstasy. Shes biting her lower lip. A slow, hot rhythm builds between us. Oh. ***** yes, she gasps. I lay on top of her, kissing and biting her lips as I slowly go slightly deeper now. She wraps her legs around the back of my thighs, gripping me to her. I hold her under her hips and go deeper inside her than before. Shes so hot, so open. This is heaven. I begin ***** her faster, her body slamming against mine urgently, her hips rotating up to meet each stroke. Deep moans escaping those beautiful lips. I stop, staying deep inside her for a moment then pulling out, her body aching for more.

Come. Sit here. Straddle me. I sit on the edge of the bed. She crawls around to sit on my upper thighs, weak with desire, her legs spread out over mine. She looks deep into my eyes. Without saying a word, she spreads herself open with her fingers begins gently rubbing her *****, her fingers slick with her own wetness, rocking her hips as if were still *****. She is so beautiful, so hot. My body is aching just watching her pleasure herself for me.

Slid forward. Let me enter you. I tell her and she moans Oh, God.Her fingers spread herself wider to let me enter her, moving to the ***** waiting for her eager *****. Holding her hips, I pull her forward slowly, her body swallowing the ***** fully now. Shes groaning and gasping, lost in passion . Her finger is rubbing hard on her ***** now as she wraps her legs around me tight, her free arm around my neck, her mouth facing mine wide open. Our mouths are all over each other, both too excited to even kiss. We begin to move harder and faster together. I feel the tension building in her body. I know shes ready to come. Her breathing is shallow, gasping. Oh, *****. Oh, Fuuuck. She calls out.
Shes biting my neck and shoulders. I feel her body tense and ready to climax.

Come for me, baby. Come for me, I gently plead.

Her soft whimpers are making me so wet. My mouth finds hers again. Her face is in absolute ecstasy, sweat rolling down between us.

Oh, God. Marina. Oh, Im coming. Im coming. Yes, Oh She calls out as the ***** wracks her lovely body. I continue my rhythm, my hands on her *****, pulling her into me until she cant take it any more. She convulses inside again, hot liquid pouring out of her all over my own body that is aching for her.

We are still for a moment, our hearts beating hard and fast against each others chests. Both covered in sweat, the air in the room is still and hot, but alive with the scent of our bodies and lovemaking. She comes to life again, sliding off of my body to lie back on the bed, exhausted and weak. I remove the harness from my hips and lie down next to her, stroking her face, my fingers finding her mouth. She takes each finger in her mouth and gently sucks and nibbles, her face flushed. My desire for her is so strong. I havent felt this close to anyone in a long time. Maybe never. Suddenly she sits up and pushes me down on the bed, with a smile of pure satisfaction. She climbs on top of me her ***** facing me. She begins to lick my stomach and thighs, teasing me, tasting herself on my body. She buries her face in my *****, licking and sucking eagerly, drinking me in. My body is on fire for her.
I take hold of her hips, easing her down towards my mouth. I must taste her again. I must be inside her. My tongue enters her deep and strong. Probing her, drinking in her beautiful body. I begin ***** her with my tongue. Within seconds, I feel her come again in my mouth. My own ***** comes soon after in a long, burning flood. She keeps her tongue flicking deep inside me the whole time Im coming.

We crawl together again, bodies wrapped around each other, drifting off to sleep as if we have forever.

I awake with her in my arms. How long had we been asleep? Was it hours? Minutes? I slowly drift back to the present, to reality: I never came home last night. Im afraid to even return. I dont want to face Francesca. I dont want to tell her what I know I must. I dont want to face her eyes, her disgust, her jealousy or my betrayal. She will be merciless, and I dont blame her. My thoughts return to Jenny again, here peaceful in my arms. She never answered my question. Does she want to give us a chance? This crazy, passionate, completely out of control affair, does she want to see where it could go, with both of us free?

Jenny begins to stir, as if she has been reading my thoughts in those semi-lucid moments before waking. She cuddles closer to me, resting her head under my chin, softly running her fingers over my *****, lingering on my nipples, softly kissing them. She lifts her face to meet mine. Her fingers begin to trace my brow, then the rest of my face, all the while smiling to her self, as she studies my face. I take my hands and hold her head softly, pulling her mouth gently to mine, the uncontrollable hunger between us at least momentarily satisfied. Her lips leave my mouth. She wraps her arms around me tighter than before. Then she tells me,

Marina, I want to be with you too. I want to give us a chance.

I know she means it.

And I know what I have to do.