I could pretend like everything is okay. I could act like I am totally fine with everything that has happened. That in the course of seven months I am over it. I could say that I don’t ever think about her.

                We both know that is a lie, no don’t we? Because to be honest I do think about her. More than I care to admit. She was the only thing on my mind from when I was 16 until I was 21. She was the person I couldn’t live with out. How do you move on? I had never been in love before her. She was my first everything. My first kiss, my first love, my first time.

                How do you move on? Can anyone really, honestly, completely move on? Or is it normal to have that tiny bit of yourself still remain with that person you gave your all to?

                I have heard many, many different theories.

                First is the player view: Just move on. there are plenty of other girls you can have fun with and eventually fall for. But just have fun. Love is not something you should give into.

                Second, the hopeless romantic: Do not give up. If you truly love that person they will come back. They will see how you would do anything for them and know that you are the one for them.  Of course it will take time. But they will come back.

                Third, well the angry vengeful… person: They cheated on you? Fuck. Them. Up. Go after them and have no regrets. Cheating is not okay. Especially after three years. They played you like a fiddle, so play them back.

                Fourth is the only one I see as the way I should go. My friends view. My best friend.

                It sucks what happened. Know that you are an amazing person and they just lost their way. It is okay to hurt. Hurting reminds us and lets us get over it. don’t move to fast. If you do you never heal completely. You are still vulnerable to that person who you loved. They still have some control over you. If and when you see them again you want to be able to hug them without a tear. Tell them you have missed them with no regret in your eyes. Say you are happy to see them without any trouble. Most of all be able to say all of this with no ache in your heart.

                That is what I am doing. No matter how long it takes.

                I thought I was over it. I thought I was done.

                But I wasn’t. She still had my heart. In more ways than I thought. Seeing her face made me smile as she shook in my arms as I held her. When she touched my face I felt that spark. And I was more than sure she felt it too.  And that night when we made love it felt the exact way I thought it would. Every kiss and every touch. every time she whispered “I Love You.” as she held me in her arms.

                The next day reality hit. Her phone kept ringing and text messages were flowing in.

                The girl she left me for was still there. They were still together.

                And in that moment. My heart broke again. When I remembered she wasn’t mine anymore.

                It had taken me six months to get to the point where I could talk to her with no problem. We had agreed to be friends. Friends don’t have sex now do they? Friends don’t say I love you as they kiss you and hold you.

                So much for moving on. No, I’m back at square one. And she just left me again. Broken and alone. Back to the girl she cheated with.

                The old Ashley wouldn’t be this person. she would have let it go, played it off and moved on. The old Ashley is gone. she went and fell in love, and now she is that broken girl all over again.