Edward’s elegant scrawl was splattered all over in the book in front of me. I had been looking for a piece of paper to write to Charlie when I had come across this notebook in the drawer of the desk. It wouldn’t hurt to take a peek, I decided. I let it fall open to a random page and began reading.

As much as I hate to admit it, I understand why she has been so adamant about becoming eternally damned. She knows – though not through any form of explanation from me – but somehow she knows the internal struggles I face every time I touch her:

Knowing full well that she is not mine to touch, and that my unnatural presence is interfering in the natural course her life would have taken tortures me. I want only what is best for her, but I selfishly do everything in my power to make sure that that includes my presence. I cannot bear to be away from her, but its so irresponsible of me to repeatedly put her in the constant danger I cause with my very presence. The longing for the liquid-life running rapidly through her luscious veins is so appetizing, its nearly impossible to resist. But even more impossible to resist is her. Every touch sends protests of restrained passion through my every limb. I long to touch every inch of her warm, delicate skin and feel her all around me, but the fear that accompanies that lust is too much of a risk for me. She is so breakable. One wrong move from me and that could end her.

Another reason that she wants to become a vampire. She wants to be less breakable. I fantasize endlessly about the day that I can do to Bella what I have dreamt of without being afraid of harming her, but her clumsy breakability and her accident prone tendencies are some of my favorites of Bella’s characteristics. I am not in love with her perfection nearly as much as I am in love with her flaws, but I am willing to admit in the security of these pages that I long for the day that she is more durable and I don’t spend every second that I am away from her worrying about her life. On the same token, when she does become a vampire.. I will never have to leave her side at all….. But how I will miss her warmth and her ability to let the blood color her cheeks when she’s embarrassed or ashamed. How I will miss that gentle heartbeat that is the very symbol of her life that she is so eager to remove completely.