TEENAGE WISDOM

Of course she had expected that life in the city wouldn’t be the same anymore, that certain places and situations would feel awkward because she wasn’t there and she always had been.

She had known that she would miss her terribly and that it would be hard to adapt to this new life, this life that used to be so full of her, every second and every fibre of it. It was as if she was suffering from withdrawal.

Her life seemed to be empty, clubs not nearly as exciting, school a senseless waste of time. What was she doing there, if she couldn’t be with Viv? What was she doing in those classes when she couldn’t even manage to pay attention? Every morning, she felt like lying in her bed for the rest of the day and try to catch some sleep. Sleep, so she could forget that her lover wasn’t there, not as close as she used to be. Sleep, so she could dream about her without being woken up by the school bell. Sleep to numb this pain, this aching desire for freedom of thoughts, thoughts that were now dominated by how different it all was. She craved to forget and her memory was her worst enemy.

She couldn’t talk about it either. After all, who would understand? There was no sense in trying to get some sort of understanding from a friend if he hadn’t gone through the same. She wasn’t one to talk easily about her feelings in the first place.

It was such a heavy emotional burden – quite ironic, as this burden was the absence of something, someone. She still felt the connection when they met and where together, but the knowledge that she couldn’t just hail a cab and go see her whenever she liked seemed to kill a tiny part of her. She couldn’t allow herself to think how far away she was – it wasn’t only the distance. Viv was in an entirely different world, a world where she was still in the closet, a world where there was close to no night-life. A world that was such an opposite of where she used to live that it would change who she was.

She got scared of thinking like this. She was still madly in love with her. She would still do anything just to see that cutest smile, those twinkling eyes, that lingering laugh. She still gasped for breath upon imagining her naked form, the feel of her soft skin. She didn’t ever want to lose that.

And on Sunday, when she woke up, it all came back to her. How they met, how it had all been in the beginning and ever since. Every little thing reminded her of Viv, even words could do that. She allowed herself to wander through Memory Lane and relived everything that had happened.