I still remember the pangs of desperation that flashed through her eyes as I told her ‘I can’t do this’. She was desperate to keep me there, desperate for that moment to be infinite, desperate for my love and although I still loved her deeply then and do now I could not give her all that she needed and so passionately craved. I had given her everything I could and yet we were both unfulfilled by each other and our lives that had become entwined now seemed too much for either of us. I was overwhelmed. For the first time I began to see her as a burden and that was something I could no longer bare and so I ended it. In the space of a minute I destroyed all that had taken eight months to build, longer if you count our friendship of seven years beforehand. I don’t know what hurt more, knowing I was the cause of her devastation or knowing that I was the cause of my own. In fact I do know, seeing her so bruised inside felt like a thousand lashings to my own heart. I had to leave.

I still believe that I heard her very faintly tell me not to leave as I hurriedly exited down the corridor outside her door but could not for the life of me turn my head back to look. One look at her crumbled body would have my legs turn one hundred and eighty degrees and she would be cradled in my arms with my pathetic apologies and forgiveness and she deserved more than that. She deserved a chance with someone who would not turn her into this insecure person I had let surface. Perhaps if I had soothed these insecurities rather than perpetuated them with my unresolved feelings for Lara I would not be in the position I am now.

Two months later I have to make peace with the fact I settled. I settled for second best because the pressure of first tore me apart. It tore her apart too and now I have to be content with the decision I have made. I look at the phone and beg my hand to pick it up and dial the familiar number I know I shall never forget and yet it never makes a move. How fucking dare I even think about calling her and asking how she is doing when I was the one who finished our relationship. I know I have absolutely no right to know how she is or what she is up to. I gave that up with my parting words and brash exit. It does not quench those questions that loom.