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I decided to make a stop off at Lara’s before heading over to my place after a day of constantly talking to Alice and Shane. I think we were only coping because we were pretending nothing was wrong with Al and we were all just hanging out like the ‘good old days’, laughing and joking around at The Planet or our apartments. We hadn’t done that in ages and it was something severely lacking in my life. I missed the three amigos that we had become. So much time had passed and so many unspoken words and now with Alice’s coma I began to think that those would only ever be memories and not something to look forward to. I didn’t feel like I had any energy left to even cry about it, I was drained like never before, everything hurt in my body and more so in my heart. I felt incredibly guilty. I was carrying this extra burden that I bestowed upon myself, I needed to make Alice better because I felt like it was my fault. Had I been there for her instead of so engrossed in my own personal life she wouldn’t be lying on that clinical bed like some untouchable doll.

I entered the apartment and sat on the couch without a word. I could hear Lara scurrying around in the kitchen trying out a new dish. I don’t even recall what it was or even if there was a distinct aroma, normally I’d greet her and taste whatever new concoction she was inventing with great interest, today however I couldn’t even feign excitement. She sauntered in slowly and sat right next to me, scooping my body into hers and holding me tightly. I have to give it to her, she knew me a lot more than I gave her credit for. I needed her comfort not her sympathy. I remember turning my body and kissing her with a force I was unaware I could present at that moment; she was startled but seemed to understand my want. She kissed me back equally as hard and pushed my body down onto the sofa as she lay on top of me. I was numb and had to feel anything just to give me some hope that I could make it through another day of this unfair and unforgiving pain. Lara didn’t even waste time shedding my clothing; she reached inside my jeans and entered me roughly. I don’t even recall if I was turned on, I don’t think it mattered in particular. Jesus that sounds so crass but it’s true, whatever was happening between us wasn’t about sex and she wasn’t about to make it.