“It wasn’t my fault.”

Alice looked sharply at Dana, the morning light making her squint, continuing to pace in front of her and Shane. “You are not getting out of blame here Dana.”

Dana shrugged. “But, it wasn’t my fault.”

“You hit me Dane.” Shane mumbled, frowning and staring into space.

“You got in the way of the TV while Xena was on!” When Shane didn’t look at her, Dana turned her gaze to Alice hoping for some support. From anyone.

Alice just rolled her eyes. “No, no we’re all at equal blame here… We’re all going to suffer together…”

Dana’s eyes went wide. “No, no I’m not taking blame for something that wasn’t my fault…”

“Dana! Stop acting like a child and take it like a man!” Alice started pacing faster, chewing her lip and trying to come up with some way to fix this and make it go away. Of course, Bette had to go and buy one of the most expensive ***** couch’s on the market, and have it be some fancy shmancy European thing that you couldn’t just call and order. *****.

“But I’m not a man…” Dana mumbled, frowning and crossing her arms over her chest.

“What about Francesca?” Shane said suddenly, sitting up.

Alice stopped pacing. “Francesca? How can we blame Francesca?”

It was Shane’s turn to roll her eyes. “No, Al, we should call Francesca.”

Dana nodded vigorously. “Oh yeah, yeah she’s a costume maker thingy…”

Alice caught up with her friends, and clicked her fingers. “Oh God yeah, she can like just make us a new cushion cover! Or you know, call her fancy shmancy European friends and hook us up with a replacement or something…” Alice walked briskly over to the phone, balancing the hand-piece between her shoulder and cheek as she dialed. She grinned at Shane. “Shane, you’re a ***** genius sometimes.”

Shane raised her eyebrow, leaning back and winking. “That I am, Al.”

Alice twirled the phone chord between her fingers and waited for someone on the other end to pick up.

And waited.

“Dane, it wasn’t like ‘Bound’ was on the screen, anyway.” Shane shook her head, lost in thought again.

And waited.

“What is with everyone loving ‘Bound’?” Dana turned to properly face Shane.

And waited.

“Gina Gershon.” Shane said simply.

And waited.

Dana rolled her eyes. “I would do Xena in a second over Gina Gershon.”

And waited. *****, what was taking them so ***** long to answer?

Shane squinted her eyes in concentration. “Heavy call, Dane. I mean on one hand you have Xena, in her leather and that nasty nasty short little skirt of hers, and those eyes man, those amazing eyes.” She cocked her head to the side. “But then there’s Gina, all down and dirty with the *****-ness, treading that fine line between butch and femme, and those lips.” Shane let out a breath. “Damn.”

“Okay, who would you rather do? Xena or Gabrielle?” Alice said, still waiting for someone to pick up.

Dana looked like she was in pain as she thought about her answer.

Shane got a far away look in her eyes, before nodding. “Gabrielle.”

Alice slammed the phone down. “***** ***** *****,” She muttered. She looked at Shane. “Why Gabrielle?” She started gathering her keys and purse together, searching for her jacket.

Shane shrugged. “Well it’s a tough question. They’re a couple, they’re destined to be together right, so as an outsider you can’t choose between them…”

“Exactly!” Dana exclaimed suddenly, still looking a little pained.

Alice nodded distractedly. “Has anyone seen my jacket?”

Shane ignored her. “…it’s almost like choosing between Bette and Tina, you know? Which is impossible…”

“Tina.” Alice said immediately. Shane and Dana looked at her in surprise. “What? I already slept with Bette.” Her eyes glazed over slightly in remembrance. “A lot.” She shook herself. “Anyway, I’d pick Tina in a heart beat.”

“Alright well for the rest of us, Alice, it’s an impossible decision to just make. So instead of choosing who’d you rather ‘do’, you have to choose who you’d rather ‘be’.” Shane nodded, satisfied with herself.

Dana nodded distractedly. “So… So you’d rather be Gabrielle?” She said doubtfully.

Shane shook her head. “No, I’d rather be Xena therefore I’d rather do Gabrielle.”

Alice rolled her eyes, “Okay, no. I’d rather do Xena, evil Xena mind you, because she’s hot and a badass and my type of chick. No where did I even think of ‘being Gabrielle’.” She got down on her knees in front of the other couch, and let out a triumphant ‘Uh ha!’ dragging her jacket out from underneath it. “How the ***** did it get down there…” She muttered.

Dana chewed on her lip. “See but I don’t know which one I’d rather be either!” She threw her hands up in frustration.

“Okay, guys I’m going to The Planet. Want to come with?”

Shane rocketed off the couch. “Coffee?”

Alice sighed. “Francesca.”

“Francesca… and coffee?” Shane said hopefully. Alice just rolled her eyes and walked out the door, Shane following her.

Dana sat on the couch. “I mean Xena’s strong and has all these abilities right, but Gabrielle is so cute and starts getting all hot and buff and she’s so loving and… guys?”

She faintly heard a horn honk and a voice yell out ‘Dana move it!’ and quickly ran outside.

______________________________

Bette sighed and stretched, keeping her eye on Tina as she was rifling through the retreat’s program booklet.

“Ooh look they have a Karma Sutra workshop at 3.” Tina waggled her eyebrows at Bette.

“Karma Sutra workshop? Let me see that.” Bette reached over and grabbed the program out of Tina’s hands.

Tina rolled onto her side, resting her head on her arm and using her free hand to slowly trace the outline of Bette’s closest breast with the other. Bette just raised her eyebrow.

“Oh and look, Couples Therapy is listed right underneath.”

“Hmm I’d say a Karma Sutra workshop is couples therapy.” Tina let her hand travel down to Bette’s stomach, lightly running her fingers across her abdomen. “You wanna go?” Tina let a lazy ***** smile cover her lips.

Bette just looked at her. “Our ***** life getting boring for you T?”

Tina’s smile stretched into something almost devlish. “Oh I wouldn’t call it boring…”

“Hmmm. What would you call it?” Bette threw the program down beside her and rolled onto her side, facing Tina.

Tina’s smile faltered a little and she drew her hand back and sighed. “I don’t know, up until yesterday I would’ve said ‘rare’”

Bette frowned slightly. “Rare?” She said softly.

Tina bit her lip. “It’s just, we both have pretty hectic work schedules, baby, sometimes I feel like I never see you.”

Bette sighed, and then nodded very slowly. “Well that’s what this is for, right? To, what did Alice call it, rebond?”

“Rebond?” Tina said, amused. She lent forward, pushing Bette onto her back and moved so she was straddling her hips. “Is this what you would call rebonding?”

Bette smiled softly, placing her hands on Tina’s thighs. “Oh I wouldn’t call it rebonding…” She said, echoing Tina’s earlier words.

Tina lent down, touching her lips to Bette’s, smiling into the kiss. “Hmmm. What would you call it?”

Bette ran her hands up Tina’s sides, bringing them up further to cup her face. She kissed her softly before replying. “Coming together?”

Tina chuckled, the devlishness returning to her smile. “Oh I’d say we definitely came… together… last night.” She nuzzled Bette’s neck, feeling the vibrations as Bette chuckled.

“So if we spend this whole week locked in our cabin, would you mind terribly?” Bette’s eyes closed as Tina kissed her shoulder, her throat, her collarbone, moving to her chest.

“And miss the Karma Sutra workshop?” Tina mumbled, continuing south.

Bette moved suddenly, swiftly rolling Tina onto her back and changing their positions.

“I’ll show you Karma Sutra Miss Kennard.”

“Why Miss Porter… uh… Oh… oh!”

______________________________

“Never, ever touch a pissed off woman’s radio Dana!” Alice manouvered the mini in and out of traffic, changing the station back from whatever the ***** Dana had been listening to.

“Alice, I hate this song.” Dana pouted, slumping in her seat. Shane sat in the back grinning.

“Yeah well Dana, when you’re driving me around, then you can pick the music.” Alice honked her horn and stuck her middle finger up at the driver beside her before speeding up and overtaking them. “Okay first you don’t like ‘Bound’, and now you don’t like Queen? What are you, a Republican?”

Dana crossed her arms over her chest. “My mother’s a republican…” She said frowning.

“And good for her.” Alice said quickly, reaching over and turning the music up louder.

“Do you know how many times I’ve heard this song?” Dana suddenly yelled.

“That’s what makes it great Dane!” Shane yelled back, leaning forward so her head was between Alice and Dana’s headrests. “I see a little silhouetto of a man!” She sang.

“Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango!” Alice sang back, throwing her head back.

Dana braced herself. “Al, please for God’s sake don’t sing and drive.”

Shane and Alice started singing together. “Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me!”

Alice’s voice went higher than usual. “Galileo!”

Shane’s voice, in contrast, dropped even deeper than usual. “Galileo!”

“Galileo!”

“Galileo!”

“Galileo figaro!”

“Magnifico!”

“Jesus Christ will you two stop?!” Dana watched as the scenery passed them by at an increasingly alarming speed.

Shane nudged Dana’s shoulder, urging her to join in. “I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me.”

Alice looked at Dana, singing as loud as she could. “He’s just a poor boy from a poor family! Spare him his life of this monstrosity!”

Shane looked at Alice, gripping her shoulder dramatically. “Easy come, easy go will you let me go?”

“Bismillah no! We will not let you go!” Alice started swerving the car along to the music.

Dana grabbed the ‘oh *****’ handle above her door.

“Let him go!” Shane yelled, grinning madly behind her sunglasses.

“Bismillah! We will not let you go!”

“Let him go!”

“Bismillah! We will not let you go!” Alice was honking her horn along with the song.

“Let him go!”

“Let me out!” Dana screamed.

Shane and Alice both turned to look at her. “No no no no no no no no no!”

Dana sighed and gave in, doing as best she could to turn towards them as dramatically as she could, before screaming out as loud as she could. “Oh Mama mia Mama mia Mama mia let me go!”

Alice turned back to look at the road, as Shane patted Dana’s shoulder encouragingly, all three of their voices echoing across west hollywood.

“Beezlebub has a devil put aside for me! For me! For me!”

And head banging, they arrived at The Planet.