TINA & BETTE

“Baby…I said, at least not right now.”

“Oh.” All the air in Tina’s lungs exploded out in one big whoosh. She couldn’t believe how relieved she felt.

“You were right about a lot of things, T. Especially when you said we had to look back before we can look forward. I understand now that we, you and I, together need to walk back through what happened, what we were feeling, the mistakes we made. We need to process it all and learn from it, so that WHEN we do come back together we will have an even stronger foundation. Know this Tina Kennard…I am in love with you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I know that WHEN we get back together it won’t be perfect, but it can be and will be better.”

Tina closed her eyes and sat there thinking about what Bette said. She knew in her heart that she wasn’t in a place where she could trust Bette again, knew she couldn’t be Bette’s partner…right now, but for what ever reason, it had a powerful, calming affect on her when Bette told her that she was in love with her and wanted to be with her. Maybe someday she would believe it, trust it, but for now…she just needed to hear it over and over again. Tina opened her eyes and looked at Bette. “Thank you for saying that. Even though I’m not in a place where I can be with you, I know that you are right when you say we need to work through this together. You are the only one who can help me understand what happened, so I can get some peace and then let it go. I need to be able to do that so I can move on and love again.”

Bette felt like her heart dropped right into her stomach. “Move on…love again? What…what are you saying? Are you saying you don’t want us to EVER get back together?” Bette could feel a layer of sweat rolling out across her skin, along with an urgent need to relieve herself. God no! This can’t be happening!

“I’m saying that before I can move on with you…or someone else, before I can love you again…or love someone else, I need to resolve our past. I need to do that for myself before I can have a future with you, or someone else for that matter.”

Bette’s sign of relief was so deep, she slid down in her chair a little bit. However, even though relieved, she was totally ready to kick the ***** out of whoever “someone else” was!

“I love you Bette, but I’m not sure that it is all that healthy of a love any more. I don’t like who I am sometimes when I am with you. I certainly wasn’t happy about who we became as a couple. You told me the other day that even if I wasn’t ready to come back to you as your wife, that you would be here for me in whatever capacity I wanted. I’m hoping you really meant that, because…well…I want you to be my friend Bette. For seven years you were my best friend and confidant. I want that back, but know I can’t have it right now because of the lack of trust. But, I was thinking that as my new friend we could help each other through a really hard time in both our lives, and as a new friend, we could start at the beginning, get to know each other again, and hopefully as we are building a friendship we can build trust again. I have to go back to Vancouver for another two months. I was hoping that during that time we could…we could help each other, share with each other, as friends…through e-mail.”

Bette tried not to show her disappointment. Even though she knew they couldn’t be lovers right now, she had hoped that they could at least work through all this together…in person. E-mail just seemed so…just so separate…distant…lonely. Besides, she couldn’t count on Tina’s physical reactions to her if they weren’t in the same room! Ok, Bette thought…I’m not even going to think about how manipulative that thought was.

As if Tina was reading Bette’s mind, she said, “Bette, sometimes when I am near you, I lose some of myself. It’s like I get swallowed up in you. I don’t like that, and I can’t imagine that you do either. It wasn’t like that in the beginning. I want to figure out what changed along the way, because I think we both liked who I was then, rather than who I was at the end of our relationship. This time away can become whatever we want it to be Bette. Writing to each other could be the best thing for us. It’s such an honest form of communication. There are no physical props to help you, no outside forces to distract you…just the words. I need this Bette. I need to become your friend again before I can even think of becoming your lover.
If, as you say we are each others destiny, I need to rediscover for myself why that is. We are so different. We have both grown so much in the last seven and a half years. Have we grown together or apart? I mean, I know the connection is there. I know there is love, but…well, are we too different? God Bette, do you remember at the end, I was into helping teenagers form an organic co-op, and you were into making sure your Jill Sanders suits were clean! How different is that!?” Tina shook her head. “God, we both went off the deep end, we just fell in different directions. However, while I was trying to just hang on until we could find our way back to each other, you were finding solace, and then love, in someone else’s arms.”

Bette winced at the last statement, thinking she wasn’t sure what Tina meant about loosing herself when she was physically close to Bette. I’m sitting right here and she seems to be pretty clear about who she is and what she’s feeling!

“Bette, to be honest, I don’t know if I can ever get over you being with Candace. I think I might have been able to work through it had it stopped the night of the Provocation’s opening. It would have taken me a while, but I think I would have gotten there, but you were with her for six months Bette. You clearly feel love for her AND you stayed with her even after you started having your dream. Why Bette? Why did it take you so long to leave her, and if you hadn’t been dreaming about Mary and I, would you still be with her? Is that dream the only thing that spurred you to leave? These are just a couple of the questions that float through my brain…questions that need to be satisfied. I’m sorry Bette, but I just don’t trust you with my heart.”

“Oh T…I’m so sorry.”

“I know Bette” Tina blew out a deep breath. “We are both sorry about so many things. But, after saying all that, I do know one thing for sure. For some reason that I can’t quite grasp, I need you…I want you in my life. And, since in this reality being your wife is not an option…then a chance at a friendship is what I have to give you. Can you accept that?”

Bette got up and once again found herself kneeling on the ground in front of Tina. She reached up and wrapped her arms around Tina. “I love you so much Tina. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you, but I know in my heart that even without the dream, I would have found my way back to you. Honestly, I don’t know how long it would have taken, but I know it would have happened, and we may be very different, but that just means we have lots of different things to bring to the table for us both to enjoy.” Bette smiled at Tina and reached up and held her face in her hands.
“Starting over as your friend and getting to know you all over again can only be a good thing Tina, but you need to know that I am starting from a different place than you. I know without a doubt that you are the one for me. I promise you that I will be your friend in every way I can, and I will try to prove to you through friendship that you can trust me with your heart…but baby, you need to know that I will be praying every day that you can somehow, someway, fall in love with me again, and when that happens and you think about the love you feel for me, there will be no fear…ever. Can you accept that?”

Tina closed her eyes and emphatically nodded her head. “Thank you Bette.”