TINA & BETTE

Bette reached out and took hold of the hand that Tina was offering, her head starting to pound. Bette had expressed more emotion in the last several days than she had in years, and it was catching up with her. They walked back through the gardens, hand in hand, both content with the silence.

As they were approaching the entrance to the gardens, Tina noticed that Bette’s hand was shaking. She looked over and saw streams of tears flowing down Bette’s face.
“Bette, what’s wrong?”

Bette was having a difficult time controlling the overwhelming sadness that had suddenly descended over her like a huge black thunder cloud. She shook her head and said, “What isn’t wrong?”

Tina’s heart broke seeing the pain that was etched on Bette’s face. She squeezed her hand thinking that maybe this would be a good time to start their new friendship. She gave Bette a soft and inviting smile. “Do you want to tell me about it? My friends say that I am a good listener.”

Bette was at a point where she couldn’t stop crying even if she wanted to, and she surprised herself when she realized that she didn’t want to stop this incredible release of so much pent up pain. She gave Tina a kind of half crooked smile. “They do, do they?”

“Yes, they do. Come on, tell me. I’m your friend, your secrets are safe with me.”

Bette took a deep breath, feeling the air catching in her throat. “Well, in a nut shell…I cheated on my wife of seven years, the love of my life…then proceeded to date the woman I cheated on her with for six months, only to realize what a colossal mistake I had made. When I finally realized that she was the only one I wanted to spend my life with, I went after her, only to find out that my actions may have killed any change of us being together as a family. I want to be with her more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, but I don’t think she still wants me. I don’t know what to do.” Bette looked at Tina with such loss and loneliness in her eyes that Tina couldn’t help her own tears from flowing.

“Does she still love you?”

“Who?”

“The one you called your wife.”

“I think so, but even if she does, she doesn’t trust anything that I feel for her and she doesn’t trust anything that she feels for me. I can feel her slipping away.” Bette gave Tina a sad smile. “So friend, got any advice for me?”

Tina stopped walking and reached over and took hold of Bette’s other hand, giving them both a squeeze. She lovingly looked into Bette’s eyes and softly said, “If you love her as much as you say you do, don’t give up on her. She may not be able to trust you…or her feelings for you, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t trust in her and trust in your feelings for her. Give her time…give her your trust…give her your love. You have to give all of this freely without expectation, and if you do that…well, ya never know.”

On hearing the last part, Bette’s body involuntarily convulsed and a small wail escaped her lips. Tina could see her body racked with pain, shaking and her sobs getting louder. She grabbed Bette and wrapped her in her arms as tight as she could, whispering to her…”Please trust me baby, please keep on loving me and trust me. Please?”

After several minutes Bette’s crying finally started to quiet. “T? Remember that last night we were together…in the shower? Well…after all this time I think I might finally be falling apart.”

Oh my God, Tina thought…finally! Tina knew…sensed that Bette had never really dealt with all the emotional fallout of the end of their relationship. How could she? Bette had gone from Tina to Candace, and now wanted to go right back to Tina. An enormous amount of relief and hope came over Tina. Maybe this is the start…

“Do you remember when you said you would take care of me if I did fall apart? When you said that, I wanted to just fall apart right then and there in your arms. I wanted so badly to turn off all the lights and crawl into bed with you and tell you everything. I guess I thought that maybe by telling you in the dark, it would somehow make it easier. However, even though you had said you would take care of me, I knew you wouldn’t have been able to. Not after what I had done. How could you? How could I ask that of you? I couldn’t…wouldn’t, not after everything you had been through that last year. I don’t know…maybe a part of me felt like I didn’t deserve to have a break down. But, I couldn’t think about it anymore, because we had to get ready and go to the opening, so I basically shelved my feelings, just like I had been doing for the last year of our relationship. Then you found out on your own and any plans I had of confessing went out the window, along with the rest of our relationship. Tina, I am so sorry. I know now that I took the easy way out. At the time, I was confused about my feelings for you, which in hind sight I now know wasn’t true. I always loved you…my beautiful Tina. I was just so fucked up, I thought I was falling out of love with you. Anyway, I knew that I was attracted to Candace and that, because you were devastated by my betrayal, you didn’t want to talk to me, or see me…so I took the easy way out and went to Candace.” Bette shook her head. “If I had only realized then that by taking the easy way out, I was making it practically impossible to get back in.” She lowered her head as she felt her tears renew themselves. “God T…what a fool I was! I am so sorry baby.”

“Bette, please stop telling me your sorry. I know you are. I think you’ve said it enough times that we both believe you, right?”

“Yes, I believe with all my heart that I am sorry.”

“Good, I believe you too, so let’s move on from there, Ok?” Bette was unable to respond verbally, so she closed her eyes and nodded her head.

“Ok, listen…why don’t we pick this up on the flip side?”

Bette looked at Tina and raised her eyebrows. “The flip side?”

Tina chuckled. “Yea, when I get back, we can pick this up in our e-mails. To be honest, there are so many things I want to talk with you about, but it is too hard right now doing it face to face. I mean, I know I came down here to get answers, but I just don’t have any more energy for it right now…especially talking about Candace. I think I would prefer the safety of e-mail for any more discussions about her, Ok? I’m sorry Bette, but my emotions feel like they have been through the ringer this week, and I can see…well, I can see how hard this is for you as well.”

“Yea T…I understand…the flip side.” Bette felt a small amount of relief, knowing she was going to get a brief reprieve from this onslaught of emotions.

“Ok. Well…now that is settled, what do you think about joining the gang tonight at Milk?”

“Oh, I don’t know T.”

Tina gave Bette a little bit of a pleading look. “Please Bette. I am leaving tomorrow and won’t be back for two months…and when I do come back, I don’t know where you and I will be. I feel…well, I feel like tonight I just want to put all the pain…all the problems aside, and spend time with you and with our friends, all together. Please…”

Bette smiled at Tina, knowing without a doubt that she would give this woman whatever she asked for if it was remotely in her power to do so. She too looked forward to putting aside her pain for a night…although, she wondered how hard it was going to be being at Milk with Tina tonight, for the first time as just friends. Oh, well…Tina wants to go, so they will go.
“Baby, I would be grateful and flattered if you wanted to spend your last evening in town with me.”

With that, they finally left the garden, emotionally spent, but both feeling a little more hopeful than when they arrived, both looking forward to spending an evening with their family of friends.