Summary of the previous chapter: No one knows where Bette has gone.
Tina paces anxiously as her friends depart. She is finally alone for the first time since being found with Helena. There are no distractions now from her inner demons.
The primary urge is to just sit down and cry. Tina decides, however, that in tribute to Bette she will not break down. She will be like Bette: strong.
What have I done? She asks herself.
You know what. Tinas inner dialogue continues. You wanted to hurt Bette. You wanted to hurt her as deeply as possible.
But I didnt know she would be coming home early.
That doesnt mean you didnt want to hurt her. It just means that you werent ready to face the consequences of your actions. You know damn well that if you just wanted a *****, half of west Hollywood would have been at your door. You wanted to hurt Bette as deeply as possible and you picked the person she hates most.
Didnt think about the consequences did you? Did you think how it might affect her job? Did you think that it would hurt her in more ways that one? Did you think about that? Did you, Tina?
No, you didnt. You didnt think about the repercussions. All you cared about was your anger, your pain.
Congratulations. Are you happy? You got what you wanted. Bette is hurt. Who even knows how hurt. What if she accidentally hurts some innocent person while she is driving around out there? How will you feel then, Tina?
It will be her own fault. She didnt have to leave. She didnt have to keep drinking. She could have stayed and faced me like an adult. For once, Bette could have dealt with something instead of running. Everybody thinks she is so tough. Ha. Bette is a coward. All she knows how to do is run.
Whos calling who a coward? You ran to Helena. You couldnt stand up and fight with Bette. You took the easy way out; you went straight into the arms of another woman. Where was your bravery when Bette found you? What did you do? You sat there on the bed holding the sheet to cover your naked *****. What was with the modesty? A little too late dont you think? How brave was it to sit and cover your *****, the ones that had just been in another womans mouth?
Well, it is not like Bette has given any recent indication that she wanted them in her mouth.
Who wanted what? You didnt want her. When did you try to seduce her? When did you try a little romance?
The last time I tried romance, she came home yelling about work. The only thing that stopped her was seeing the pregnancy test on the plate.
You mean the pregnancy test that all of LA knew about before Bette?
She wasnt available, goddamnit. She was too busy at work.
Well, you solved that problem. She wont be at work anytime soon. You took care of that. You got one thing you wanted. You wont have to compete with the CAC to get Bettes attention.
Assuming that Bette still wants to give you her attention. What makes you think that she will even want to be near you?
Because, she wont want the humiliation. How will it reflect on her perfect little life if her perfect little trophy wife isnt available anymore? Thats all it is every about: appearances. Bette Porters precious image. She wasnt pretending like this never happened because it hurt too much. She wanted to pretend because it might reveal an unacceptable hint of imperfection in her precious faade. Well, hah I fucked her faade all to *****.
Her faade isnt the only thing you fucked now is it?
At least she noticed me. She noticed me other than to ask why I hadnt yet got the dry cleaning.
You must be very proud. Isnt that how every woman wants to be noticed by her wife: in the arms of another woman?
What was I supposed to do? Huh? Go stand naked in the middle of the CAC to ask her if she still loved me? Would that have gotten her attention? It would have gotten her attention only so she could berate me about humiliating her.
Well, you succeeded in humiliating her. Dont forget yourself. Your friends havent taken time to reflect on the fact that you are a *****.
Im not a *****.
Youre not? Isnt a ***** someone who has ***** in exchange for money? She werent after money from Helena, but you wanted something from her in exchange. Isnt it the same?
No, its not. People have affairs all of the time.
Was that what this was, Tina? An affair? Try grudge *****.
Tinas inner dialogue was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. She ran to it.
Bette? she asks hopefully.
Sorry, T. Weve found Bettes car, but no sign of Bette.