Sat afternoon

Today is Saturday afternoon, last night I wrote the most difficult letter or my life. Fri night, not my usual fri night, then nothing is usual anymore. I wrote to Tina. I wrote b/c she not .see or speak to me and who can blame her ? I write to myself b/c who else could I share these selfish thoughts with ? I cannot do therapy at the moment, I always hated it, I still hate it, Tina is the only person I did it for, looking back on it, that is yet one more thing I managed poorly. I should have done it for both of us, made an effort. Anyway I digress, actually what does it matter, this is a letter to me. I wrote to Tina, to in essence tell her, she is free, I accept she no longer wants to be with me and I will not be an obstacle. Of course I lie, I am miles from accepting it, I love her more than life itself, just like Kit said. Another mistake, how much I have underestimated Kit and overestimated myself. I am rambling but so, maybe I need to ramble, I know of no way to get this hurt and pain out of my head and heart. This morning I woke and mouth was dry, my headache fearsome, too much alcohol, I sat out by the pool and let the tears fall and watched the stars. I got more dramatic with each read wine, but it seems a good time to be dramatic. Ironic, I used to criticize Kit for such a thing, drinking too much. I ask myself what does it matter, there is only me, so what if I miss meals and have one or two too many glasses of wine, it is the only thing that helps me sleep. Unfortunately it doesnt help me stay asleep. Sometimes I wake at 4am or 5am and I know I am hung over and over tired, those and the nights are my worst times. The darkness, the loneliness but in a perverse way I enjoy it, it reflects my life. I sit outside and watch the sun come up and truthfully I dwell on what I lost, a love, a life. I meant what I said to Tina, I will not stand in her way of her seeing other people. it kills me to think about it, another woman touching her, not even in an intimate way, just touching her. Oh my god, I think I am going to be sick, the thought of it. But that was nothing on finding out that she was carrying our child, the child we so both wanted, naturally I will give her whatever she needs, I will not have her or our child go without, no matter the state of our relationship. Our relationship, now thats a joke, what relationship ? I am heartbroken I will miss so many important things in their life, the birth and birthdays and Christmases. My beautiful wife and my beautiful child, I so longed for it but did I even know it ? Tina will not want to share all of them with me, one day she will have another family and things, people move on and away. I know of no way to make a means or Tina or obviously I would ***** well do it.