I dont know.

The words were haunting her every thought, bouncing back and forth from every corner of her mind, looking for a place to rest, but finding nothing.

Bette gripped the steering wheel tighter as she made her way home from Foxworthys office.

I dont know.

These three simple words were wreaking havoc on her psyche and she did not know what to do about it.

***** she exhaled as she turned into her driveway.

After parking the car, she grabbed her bag and walked into the house.

I dont know her mind repeated, taunting her.

She dropped her bag onto the nearest chair and headed straight into the kitchen to pour herself a very tall glass of red wine.

Walking back into the living room, she fell onto the sofa. She took a healthy sip of her wine and thought back on the day that she had just had.

Breakfast with Kit had been normal enough, but from there forward, a splintering action had occurred that took her from the life that she had known for all of these months, into almost, What? she thought to herself.

The absolute ***** surreal she said out loud.

She had picked Tina up for the sonogram appointment, and they had been nice enough to one another. Not knowing exactly what to expect from Tina, Bette was pleasantly surprised at Tinas willingness to participate in light conversation, volunteering information on what was happening in her life as well as soliciting information as to what was going on in Bettes.

The feeling of being in the examining room was like some kind of tweaked out time warp. She knew that even though a year had passed, this was not unlike the times in the past where it was the two of them together, looking at the monitor to see the images of their child, holding onto each other, excitedly thinking about the future of their family as the image on the screen clearly showed how it was about to change.

Jesus muttered Bette as she placed her wine glass on the table in front of her.

Reaching for Tinas hand had been an automatic response. She had needed to make a physical connection with Tina in order to ensure that all of this was actually happening. Tina had gripped her hand in acknowledgement that, yes, this was happening. They were in fact going to be parents to a beautiful baby girl who was currently waving at them, asking them to hold on, that she would be joining them soon.

Bette thought that her heart was going to burst from the emotion that was clearly flowing back and forth between Tina and her. How was it that everything that was so fucked up in her life could suddenly, and yet only briefly, disappear in just the gesture of holding onto each other while they looked at their future on that small monitor?

Bette stood up to stretch her legs. Walking back into the kitchen, she passed by the answering machine and saw that she had a couple of messages. She ignored the flashing light knowing that there was no one in this world that she wished to speak to at this time.

Walking towards the patio doors, she opened them and made her way to the lounge chair.

Settling into one, she took another sip of her wine and thought to herself, I do some of my best thinking out hereor drinking she chuckled as she watched the light of the moon make twisting and turning shapes on the surface of the pool.

Groceries she whispered. Why did I even ask if she needed anything?

Actually, there are a couple of things that I need if you dont mind stopping Tina had answered her.

Bette had offered to carry in the bags of Tinas supplies and help put them away, and she had readily accepted.

It was just like any other time in their relationship, wordlessly communicating with the other as they performed these mundane tasks, each knowing what the other was about to do, anticipating the reaction to her action.

Hearing Tina thank her for being there today had caused her heart to swell in happiness as it had meant so much to her as well to be there.

Come here.

No two words had set Bettes heart racing like those two whispered from Tina.

Closing the refrigerator door and slowly making her way over to Tina had been one of the longest journeys of her life.

She was afraid.

She was nervous.

She didnt know.

But what she did know was the safe harbor that Tinas arms offered. She was tentative at first, but Tina pulled her in, letting her know it was ok. She began to relax a bit and Tina just pulled her tighter.

She wanted to cry at the feeling of holding onto Tina again, and being held by the one woman that had ever meant anything to her.

She was happy.

You feel so good she whispered.

You smell so good had been Tinas response.

She could have stopped there.

That was all I needed, right? she thought as she took another sip of her wine.

I guess that Ill never know the answer to that question she whispered to the pool.

It wasnt long before Bette understood that a hug was not all that Tina wanted from this interaction.

It had been a very long time since Tina had been the aggressor when it came to their physical relationship, but Bette had always loved not having to lead. It released some of the pressure of always initiating their love making and it somehow confirmed to Bette how much Tina wanted her, still found her attractive.

She knew as soon as they pulled back from the other that Tina wanted to make love to her, that she wished to push things further. She saw the look of determination in her eyes, the look that told Bette that she was going to belong to Tina for the immediate future and that disagreement was not an option.

Reaching for her glass, she drained the last of the wine.

How did we even make it to the bedroom? she asked out loud, returning the empty glass to the table. I dont even remember she thought, those initial moments somewhat a blur as the impact of what was happening between the two of them was beginning to settle in.

Bette thought back to how Tina had straddled her lap, demanding Bettes attention to every part of her body.

Touch me she heard.

The memory of those words coming from Tina caused a shiver to run through Bette on this warm night in LA.

Touch me she heard again as Tina reached for her hand, guiding it into her pants, down between her legs to rest against those large swollen lips.

The wetness that was coming from Tina had taken her breath away. She felt it immediately and it caused her to gasp.

Oh my God she whispered as she nearly wept at the feeling of Tina surrounding her fingers.

Oh my ***** God.

Is this ok? she had moaned into Tina’s chest, fearful of doing anything that could affect the baby.

There was no verbal answer from Tina though as she crushed her lips down onto Bettes, telling Bette all that she needed to know at the moment.

Tina pushed them down onto the bed, her hips moving up and down as she rode Bettes hand.

Her ***** had come quickly as she was not able to hold out any longer.

Just before she came, Bette looked up and saw Tina looking directly into her eyes.

Bette she heard as Tinas ***** caused her walls to close down tightly onto her fingers.

Bette she heard one more time as Tina dropped her head down onto her shoulder, no longer able to hold herself up.

They had made love for the next couple of hours, no where close to making up for all of the lost time that had occurred.

Knowing that she had an appointment with Foxworthy, she knew that she needed to leave.

Tinas head was resting on her shoulder, one leg casually draped across Bettes. Tina was absentmindedly drawing aimless shapes across Bettes stomach, occasionally eliciting a slight flutter from the sensitive muscles just beneath her touch.

Tina?

Hmmm?

I have to go.

She had felt Tina immediately tense up at those four simple words, knowing that the safety of the cocoon that they had created in this room, was about to end.

Ok was all she said as she slowly rolled off of Bette, standing to find her robe.

Bette quickly searched for her clothes, self conscious about her nudity.

Tina returned from the bathroom just as she was pulling her jeans up. As she leaned against the door frame of the bathroom, Tina just watched Bette as she quickly fastened her jeans, looking somewhat frantically for the shirt that Tina had ripped off of her body only hours ago.

Tina saw that Bette was not looking at her, simply concentrating on gathering all of her things.

Neither woman knew what to say to the other and so they stood there in silence as Bette completed her task, looking across the room quickly to be sure that she had gotten everything.

My jacket Bette finally said, breaking the heavy silence that had filled the air.

Kitchen I believe was all Tina said as she continued her study of Bette.

Right she confirmed as she made her way around the end of the bed to leave this room.

Tina pushed herself off of the door frame and followed Bette out of the bedroom. She watched as Bette grabbed the jacket from the ground and quickly threw it on.

Looking around for her keys, Bette finally saw them underneath one of the grocery bags.

Well she said, having collected everything that she had come in here with.

Tina continued to look at her, one brow raised in study.

Bette walked by her to get to the front door.

Bette she heard.

Turning around, she heard Tina launch into what she knew was going to be an explanation that this, all that had happened between the two of them, did not change things.

I get it she thought to herself as she interrupted Tina, letting her know that she knew that this did not mean that they were back together.

We were doing so well Bette heard.

This is getting really awkward Bette thought to herself.

What do I do now? Am I supposed to kiss her and tell her that Ill call? What the ***** does one exactly do in a situation such as this?

Good bye said Tina as she leaned in to kiss Bette on the cheek.

I dont think that I kissed her back she said to the darkness that was around her.

Reaching for her wineglass, she remembered that it was empty.

Stay here she said to the moon as she stood to refill her glass. Ill be right back.

Returning with a full glass, she tipped her glass towards the moon in toast and said, Thanks for staying.

I dont know she heard again.

The drive over to Foxworthys office had occurred without her knowledge. She knew that she was operating the car, but could not have told you anything about the short trip. She had been in a state of absolute disbelief, not able to comprehend what had just taken place between the woman that had been her wife, and herself.

I dont know.

She had immediately launched into what had transpired over the length of this entire day, amazed to hear the words that were coming from her mouth. Not amazed that she was speaking them, but simply amazed that the actions that they were describing, had actually occurred.

She shared with Foxworthy how good the ***** had been between them, and yet? There was more, but isnt there always?

She did things that we had never done with each other before she remembered telling him.

As she sat there, Bette knew that when she had conveyed the sadness that had also come from this experience, it was in fact the truth. A lot had changed not just between the two of them, but the two of them had changed as well.

Bette was no fool. She knew that Tina and Helena had been enjoying what appeared to be a healthy ***** life. *****, she herself had been with a couple of women since their split. But, along with everything else that they had lost after Bettes disastrous affair, there was one other thing that she had lost and this one thing was probably what bothered Bette the most.

She knew that she would never again be able to say that she was the only woman that Tina had slept with, that she had chosen to share her body with.

When they had made love earlier, that thought had crept through the back recesses of Bettes mind, knowing that Helena had tasted Tina, that she had been inside of Tina and that ultimately, what Tina had done to her earlier, she had done to Helena who knows how recently.

Bette, do you really think that the changes that Tina has made are a bad thing? she remembered Foxworthy asking.

She had to be honest in her response and so was, which made her believe that she was no longer needed by Tina.

But theres a part of this that youre not thinking about she said out loud as she reached for her wineglass.

I dont know she heard again.

I know that she doesnt want to get back together she remembered saying.

What about you, Bette? Do you want to get back together?

Silence.

Come on Bette. This is not a hard question she said to herself.

Silence.

Answer the question she thought.

I dont know she admitted.

The words were out of her mouth before she even knew that they were beginning.

I dont know? she asked herself as she laid her head back against the lounge chair.

Since when didnt I know if I wanted Tina back or not? she continued out loud. I thought that it was my whole raison detre she mused, reaching up to tuck some hair behind her ear.

I dont know she thought again.

Well, when the ***** do I plan on knowing? she asked herself as she sat up.

Standing, she reached her arms in the air, stretching to help relieve some of the ache and weariness that was beginning to settle into her muscles.

Enough she said as she reached for her glass to head back inside.

Good night she said to the moon as she walked towards the doors. Thanks for the ear.

Placing the wineglass into the sink, she opened the refrigerator, reaching in for a bottled water.

She was startled by the sound of the phone ringing. Picking up the receiver, she saw that it was Tina calling.

Holding the phone there, her thumb hovering above the talk button, Bette just listened to it ring.

Finally, it stopped.

She exhaled with fatigue and placed the phone back onto its cradle.

Not tonight, Tina, not tonight she whispered as she walked towards her bedroom, turning the lights off as she went.