Shes got attitude, a coolness thats very rare. She can walk into a room without making a sound, but everyone will know shes there anyway. Shes not just a piece of the furniture, shes got something that others dont. What this something is, I cant tell you. Theres just something there that catches your eye, and before you know it, youre lost. Lost in her eyes, her body, lost in the feelings you feel only when shes near you. Youre addicted to the way she makes you feel when she announce her presence, and you want more. No, you need more. You cant stand another hour without her, shes your drug, and youre the desperate victim. The worst part is that she knows it. She knows shes got control over you. She can do anything to you, and youre too whirled up in your emotions that you cant tell her no. Or to stop. And lets face it; you dont want to either. You just want her close, as close as she can get. You want to feel her all over. Youve asked yourself so many times what it is with this woman that makes your knees weak and causes your heart to beat like a sledge hammer, like its pounding its way out through your chest. You keep wondering if youre getting insane as she starts to interfere with your dreams. You think about her every waken moment, and as if thats not enough, she starts to intrude even in the nights. The first dream about her was nice, but its soon getting tiring, dreaming the same thing over and over again. Shes completely taking over your life. And you let her, cause it feels right. Cause all your problems are washed away when youre near her. And cause you just cant see yourself having a life without her. You know, deep inside, that this is the meaning of your life. Your life has taken you to this point, and thats the only thing that matters. You breath her, you feel her, you need her. And when you hear her say those three so small, but at the same time oh so big, words you know that you were brought into this world to love her, to take care of her. Theres nothing else in the world thats as important as she is, and you know that youll love her forever. Thats when she cheats on you, and your whole world fall apart. I was looking forward to going to the CAC. I know how much Bette worked to make that happen. And I was proud of her, for reaching her dreams. But then, if anyone can reach their dreams, its Bette. Shes got enough willpower to sink a boat if he wanted to. Of course she wouldnt want that, theres nothing evil in that woman. Shes always been the one taking care of me, giving me as much love as I needed, and she was happy to do it. I know she likes to be in charge, and I let her. I cant point out exactly where everything went wrong. Maybe it was when we lost out unborn baby, or when I went away to the Dinah Shore Weekend, or maybe somewhere in-between that. Or maybe we just werent destined to be together. I cant say that last part loud though. Alice would probably beat me up if she heard me. They all mean well. Alice, Shane and Dana. Its been hard on them too, I know. But I cant get back together with Bette just because they want me too. I want more than that. I need more than that. Its not revenge, but she betrayed my trust, and I cant just forget that. Then theres Helena. Helena has been nothing but great to me, and I just couldnt stand to hurt her. Bettes acting crazy about this; she doesnt want me to spend time with Helena. Of course she doesnt want that, shes jealous. But I keep thinking that she shouldve thought about that before she cheated on me. Which, by the way, we still havent really talked about. I dont know if its because she doesnt want to, or because I still cant talk about it. It just hurt too much. I still love Bette, of course I do, but I just cant stand the thought of her together with another woman. Its hard to know what to do when your heart tells you to love her, and your brain tells you to hate her. How could I possible trust her again? When I dont even know why she did it. I keep blaming myself for what she did. I did get depressed when we lost the baby. We both wanted it so much, and it felt like I was a failure when I couldnt even manage to give her the baby weve dreamed of for so long. I sunk deep into a depression, but Bette kept going just as before. I dont know how she did it, but I guess she worked through the pain. I wanted her to cry with me. I wanted her to mourn our little baby boy as much as I did. I wanted her to tell me that everything was gonna be okay. But when I needed her to do that, she was gone working. That hurt, almost as much as loosing the baby. But everything slowly got brighter. We said we were gonna try again in a couple of months, and even though Bette was really overworked I thought things were going pretty well. That was until the night. The night at the CAC when I saw Bette touch Candace in a way that means youre more then co-workers or friends. I saw what the touch meant and it made me sick. I took a cab back to the house. I waited for her to get home, and she didnt even seem to wonder where I was as she entered the bedroom and pulled of her shirt. She turned around when she saw me in the mirror, and I think she understood, already at that point, that I knew what was going on. I told Bette that I knew and when she tried to embrace. I just couldnt stand being close to her at that moment. I wanted to run away and pretend that this hadnt happened. I didnt want it to be true. I wanted Bette to tell me that she didnt understand what I was talking about. But she didnt. She said she was sorry. I slapped her hard. And it actually felt good. It was a relief to hit her. To make her pay for all the pain she caused me. She didnt leave me alone though. She pushed me down on the bed and ripped my dress. She kissed my back and mumbled I love you between the kisses. For the first time in my life, I didnt want to be that close to her. I wanted the whole world to put us apart. But as she slid her hand down my crutch I couldnt stand the thought of not finishing this. I rolled her over and bit her. She screamed of pain, and it made me feel better. Then I kissed her. Hard. It was one of those I love you but I hate you- kisses. Then she slid three fingers into me, and it felt so good. It didnt take her long to bring me to an ***** and then we sunk back into the bed. Crying. It took me a minute to realize what had happened, but as I did I hurried up to get dressed and went over to Alices. I felt empty, like someone just ripped all my feelings away. At the moment I cant stand being with Bette, but one day, who knows? Shes always gonna be the one I was made to love.