Previously…

Sadly, from my perspective, I would actually choose and cling to this limbo, swirling with the ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’. That is if there would have been any hope of our reconciliation. However, it wasn’t fair that we continue to linger in this unknown, especially for her. She deserved better. This was one way she could move forward. At this point, it’s all I had to give.

Hopefully, one day I would be able to move on as well.

Cole wasn’t going make me doubt my course of action with his inquiry. Inadvertently though, he certainly succeeded in transplanting me back to that day. That day that was the catalyst bringing me to this one. The image of her arms circling someone else still vividly burned to memory.

—–

Mingled with the memory of that day were thoughts of the unending weeks before it. Funny, I’m usually not one to reminisce but I’m riddled with interjections of events interrupting my current reality. Perhaps a natural consequence of the postmortem of our relationship.

Looking back, the remorseful pleading went nowhere. Again I had overestimated myself believing that I would be able to immediately explain the hurt away. How could I when she wouldn’t even let me near her? Physically, mentally or verbally? She never did answer my question posed the afternoon I paid a surprise visit to Alice’s apartment.

‘Do you still love me’ I asked? No response, not even in her customarily expressive eyes. Not the slightest hint of feeling. ‘We can fix this,’ I try again, ‘Do you…do you still love me?’

There was no reason to believe the silence was borne of hurt or uncertainty or even anger. Rather, from my view, simply dispassionate disinterest. This response – so devoid of feeling and emotion was even more devastating than bearing her bitter vehemence or verbal torrent.

Yet again I left her presence without any indication of resolution. I fought the urge to admit her insensate reaction was in fact an answer.

Any attempt to foster conversation was severely dismissed and it took its toll. Those around me surely suffered the brunt of my excruciating crawl to insanity and inconsolable frustration.

My constant cursing and rants of rampage tested anyone’s patience. Poor James. He continued to apologize for no reason. Even Franklin, who most likely didn’t know the details of my situation, seemed to tread lightly around me.

Alice bore my persistence and continued to be my conduit for messages though no indication of willingness to converse was ever relayed. How could I blame Tina? If reversed, I probably wouldn’t have given her as much room to maneuver. She would have been bombarded in no uncertain terms with my uncontained rage.

Quickly that thought is banished – she would never have committed such an act, she would never have cheated. I took care of her in certain ways but loyalty and fortitude were always in her corner, no matter how much she seemed more reliant on me in our relationship she was stronger in many ways.

Decidedly, my attempts diminished. In fact it’s been over just shy of three months now since I’d seen her at any length. The discovery of my betrayal five, well more like six months on top of that. Hoping time would help blunt the hurt I let it pass intending to revisit my plea later. Somehow, even my conversations with Alice were free of her name. Even with Kit. I could tell she wanted to talk about her but found ways to steer the topic elsewhere.

I was in the wrong but I wasn’t martyr material either – there was only so much I could take.

Then there was that day. The afternoon that ushered in the reality of what was. This, along with the constant threat of our ‘never again’ prompted me to engage the lawyer’s services.

Kit asked me to come around to review her quarterly business plan and forecast. Why she would even trust my input still was questionable given my recent folly. She is my sister though and I’m sure she has it in mind this helps keep me afloat. She was right, it was a distraction and I was still capable of executing intellectual tasks and opine on the reports in question. I could still exceed expectations at work and with business matters.

We nursed our cups of coffee tucked in a corner table away from view. I had made a suggestion on some suppliers and was mid-sentence when they walked in. To this day my heart cringes at the vision of my Tina waltzing in, hands clasped with someone she was obviously enamored with.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to refer to her as ‘my’ Tina. I’d lost claim on her.

Balance sheets & forecasts forgotten, I ask barely above a whisper, “Who is that?” Looking on, the mystery woman lends her shoulder and Tina obliges laying her head and wrapping her arms around the woman’s waist.

Kit didn’t know what and how to tell me although she begins with an apology. Poor James and now poor Kit. “I didn’t know how to tell you, I wanted to but you’ve not been…” she began, “they’ve been dating…not long…they met at the Youth Center. She awarded them a grant recently and well…”

“Have you met her Kit?” I ask. “What’s her name? How long did you say she’s been seeing her? Is she – are they, serious? Do you…” I trail off not having the stomach to continue my barrage.

Kit responds tentatively “Yes I have. Her name is Helena and I don’t know if it’s serious but they have been seeing quite a bit of each other recently. I’m sorry. I couldn’t say anything…I didn’t know how…you didn’t want to talk much about her…”

My eyes were transfixed on Tina. She looked so relaxed and comfortable. She looked content. There was a burgeoning connection between the two I myself witnessed. I didn’t need to see any more. My body didn’t let me. I shuddered all over and my eyes shut instinctively.

She looked happy – with someone else.

Thankfully, they were just there to order and left immediately thereafter.

Kit didn’t say anything else. I was visibly stunned. Without a word I got up to leave. A glance of apology my sister’s way and I floated out the door. My car sped me along the coast in escape. I wish I could tell you it worked.

A hysterical giggle escapes me – of all things to possibly come to mind, the scene that replayed in my head was the night that woman sought Tina to sell her the ridiculous meat. “She doesn’t live here anymore,” I informed her. From my own lips confirmation she was no longer living in our home. That coupled by what I just saw, her presence with someone else. . .

It was over.

By then I was numb with the realization that I could at least provide some closure to us so she could freely move on. That was all I could offer and maybe she needed it. At the very least, it would give her the financial freedom to get her own place and restart her life. I tried not to think the rest but I couldn’t ignore the whisper completing my thought.

Restart her life…with someone else.

The lawyer’s letter ended with a reminder that I supply any revisions within two weeks. Upon agreement, he advised he would either send a paralegal with the paperwork or if I preferred, he or I would contact Tina to arrange a meeting to go over the terms.

I dreaded this encounter, as it would indeed confirm the finality of it all. At the same time, I looked forward to it. I wanted to see her for more than the stilted five minutes usually in the presence of our friends that had become customary.

But would she come?