Shane is screaming. I can hear it all the way down to the elevators.
People are rushing into her room.
***** you! Get the ***** off of me! I wince at the sound of her voice, and then again at a loud clatter.
Inside the room, there are too many people and I can see instantly that Shane isnt right. The contents of a food tray are on the floor. Excuse me, I say to the nurse blocking my way. She doesnt move fast enough. Move. I say, roughly.
Theyre holding Shane down, her legs and especially her left arm. If she moves she could do some major damage.
Whats going on? I must have said it authoritatively, because everyone looks at me.
Her temp spiked again. We have to transfer her to the ICU. Shes altered.
I hear Dr. Bucknel’s voice. But Im staring at Shane. She is looking at me with eyes that are wide and terrified. The fear I see there chills me. I elbow my way between two nurses, take her hand. No longer cold, she grasps it despite the obvious pain it causes.
D, you gotta help me, these people are trying to kill me! They want to take me back to McClaren! Her eyes dart back and forth between the people holding her, then return to me.
I hold a hand up, and they reluctantly back off.
Please. They want to rape me. You have to make them stop.
I move closer and she raises her good hand. I take it in mine. Hey. Its me, honey. Shh, I whisper, stroking back her hair. Listen to me, okay. No ones going to lay a hand on you.
D…
Im here, sweetie. No ones gonna hurt you. I need you to lie still or you could really hurt your arm.
Help, she says, glancing at the doctor and nurse. Her voice has a weakness that makes me want to sob.
Its okay, youre at my hospital, remember?
I… What?
Yeah. Youre a little sick now, and I think thats making you confused, am I right?
Her eyes flash to someone behind me. Wide and frightened like an animals.
Look at me, baby, ok? Eyes on me. Good. I smile, and she smiles back. If my nerves werent already springing from their roots it would be adorable. You remember when Al and Jenny and Tina were here earlier, and you had a fever?
She nods, almost imperceptibly. Eyes green in this light and so stormy, so full of strife.
Good. You still have a fever, baby, and thats making your thoughts confused.
Im hot.
I touch her forehead. Its alarming. Yes, you certainly are. And thats why they want to move you to a different part of the hospital so they can take better care of you.
No! No, I dont trust them.
Theyre cool. Dont you remember Dr. Shumaker?
No.
Well shes cool, I promise. And these other folks are too, I work with them every day. Thats Tinesha and Mary and thats… Denise. I pray that she buys this. I dont know these particular nurses and Im just making ***** up on the spot.
She eyes the nurses, as if trying to come to her own conclusions. I dont want them touching me.
Okay. Thats fine. You have to promise me though that you wont move around a lot, or youll hurt your arm.
My arm?
Yeah, sweetie, this is the arm thats injured, remember? I run my fingers over her skin, and even that feels hot.
What?
Well you cant move it or youll hurt yourself.
Will you stay with me?
I glance at Shumaker. She nods tiredly. At least til daylight.
Yes, Shane, Ill come with you. Just promise me that youll let them do their work, okay? Ill be there the whole time, but you have to get better or the girls at Milk will cry that youre not around to seduce them, allright?
Okay.
Okay. Thats my girl. I note that one of the nurses is holding a syringe. Shane? Will you take some medication for me? Itll make you feel better.
What is it? I mouth to the nurse. Ativan, she mouths back.
Okay, honey, roll over so Mary here can give you your shot.
No! Dont touch me you *****!
Okay, Listen! Look at me. Shane? Eyes on me, okay? Grudgingly she looks at me. How about I give you the shot? Will that be better?
Whatever, she mumbles. Dr. Shumaker waves everyone out but me. Mary, or whatever her name is, hands over the syringe and an alcohol prep.
Okay, Shane, heres the deal. I need you to roll over that way as much as you can so I can give you this medicine, kay?
Theres a bird over there. she mumbles.
No kidding. She moves and I quickly rub one of the preps over her skin. What does it look like?
A penguin. She’s green.
Cool. Im gonna give you your medicine. In with the needle, draw quickly out, its clear, and I depress the whole syringe into her *****. All done, sugar.
.
Thus, I wind up in the SICU, sitting at Shanes bedside. They tolerate my presence only because Im unobtrusive, because I save them the trouble of sedating her further, and because its only five a.m. and the chance of administrative types spotting this breach of protocol is minimal.
Its the worst kind of torture. I watch her struggle to breathe, become deathly pale, get agitated, and try to get the oxygen line off her face. They really need me there, because I have to remind her to leave it on four separate times. Her pulse ox hovers around 90, her temp much higher.
She sleeps intermittently, then wakes fitfully and starts mumbling. Sometimes she becomes lucid, and I explain the situation quietly to her. When she is awake she watches me, never takes her eyes off of me. It comforts me as much as it comforts her.
A different doctor comes, a surgeon. Shane sleeps the entire time she is there and I thank God for that miracle. When she leaves I sit there numbly, watching the chaos of the ICU, thinking about death.
The nurses bring me magazines and one gives me a book to read. Sometime around the fifth hour, Im zoning, staring into space, when I hear it. Cherie, she mumbles.
I focus my eyes, look at her. Her eyes are closed and shes lifting her hand. What does she see? It shouldn’t hurt me. I wait to hear something else, but she is quiet. Then the mumbling starts again. The only words I can make out are “pancakes” and “angels” and “Daddy.”
Daddy. That sticks with me. The idea of her as a little bitty girl, calling someone Daddy. In all this time I never knew what her story was. Where is her Daddy now that she needs him? Strung out? In jail? Dead? Or unaware of her existence?
Then, fifteen minutes later, she starts to violently shake, and all ***** breaks loose.
.
I feel like there is a sea churning inside me and I need to keep it in, keep it contained. And every second I breathe and live and move here, it gets harder.
When her post-seizure sleep hits I walk up to Six West. The phones in the med room are still on, and I’m aware, so aware of the things Im holding inside, of the finite frail quiet of this room inside a room. I pick up an open line, and call New York.
Hello?
Mommy?
Darah, honey, whats wrong?
Something horribles happened. I say, shaking.
What is it? Are you okay?
Im fine. Its Shane. Steve Jaffee shot her.
“Oh my god. Is she gonna be okay?”
“I… I dunno. She came through surgery okay.”
The man – the womans husband from the restaurant?
Yeah. Shes here. Shes alive. They brought her in, and I was working…
Did they get him?
Yes, they got him, hes in jail. Mommy, they brought her in, and I looked down, and it was her. And there was blood everywhere, and for a day she was fine but now shes getting septic and then she had a seizure and I just cant do it anymore, I cant…
Shh. Slow down, darling. Shhh.
Im sobbing. I dont know what to do.
When did this happen?
My birthday. Around eight in the evening.
Why didnt you call me sooner?”
How to answer that? I could barely eat, sleep or pee. My priorities were skewed. Plus, breaking the news to my mom would make it real, in a way that telling Alice or Jenny wouldnt.
You havent gone home, have you?
No. Ive been here… ever since.
Oh, sweetheart. Youre telling me that you were the nurse working when they brought her in.
Yes.
Is she going to be okay, Habibi?
I thought so, initially she came through the surgery well, but now her fever is so high shes seizing and delirious and if it doesnt stop soon… its serious, Mommy. She could get organ failure. Bleed out. Have a heart attack. Brain damage from the fever-
Listen to me. Shane is a tough woman. I could tell that just from looking at her.
I know. Mom, I just… cant do this… I love her so ***** much.
I know darling. And she loves you too.
Love you D…
It doesnt matter if she does… because if I lose her… I cant live.
Didi, shes tough. Scrappy. Shell beat this. Because not only is she tough, shes got you there.
I feel so bad. I just had to leave. After she had the seizure.
Darling, if I know you youve been there around the clock. Give yourself a break.
I sniffle. Yeah. I just wanted to hear your voice.
I should come out there.
No, Ma, you dont have to do that.
Yes I should.
You just left.
I know.”
“It was so horrible. I just keep seeing that same second over and over again, they brought her in and she was bleeding out so quick, she was in shock, and that… that feeling, if I lost her… I cant get it out of my head.
Its okay, sweet. That moment is over.
I know. I just… Mommy, I love her so much.
I know.”
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “I should get back.”
“Give her my love, Didi. And give her all of yours.”
.
I get myself an apple, then walk back to the ICU like a zombie. When I arrive there are two nurses at Shane’s bedside and Shane isn’t agitated, but she is mumbling and confused.
I touch her face. Still so warm. “Hey Hottie.”
“Why are you here? You’re not allowed in here.” She doesn’t open her eyes.
“I’m special.”
“Not that special,” she murmurs. “Uncle Bill?”
She just seized again, one nurse explains.
“How’s her temp been?”
“Up and down.”
“Seesaw,” Shane mutters.
“Shane, do you know where you are?”
“***** no,” she mutters, turning her head. It’s torture seeing her like this. “You should tell Bette and Tina about the place in Billings with the pool tables…”
“What’s she talking about?” One nurse whispers to me.
“I have no ***** clue.”
.
It’s Sunday, so the attending in charge of the ICU lets me stay. I sit there all morning and afternoon, and into evening. One more time, Shane goes into violent seizure and I watch, horrified, wondering if this is what it feels like when one’s soul leaves their body. Because I can’t really be sitting here watching this. I feel like my body is a shell and that there is nothing real inside. Pure *****.
At eight-thirty Dr. Rowan sweeps in and orders me out. I kiss Shane’s forehead. Leave a note at her bedside. I go home for the first time in two days, shower, take an Ambien, and cry myself to sleep.
Please don’t let her wake up and be afraid of being alone. Please let her keep fighting. Please let her beat the bug that’s in her system. Please, break her fever. It’s as close as I’ve come to prayer, in my whole life.
Despite the sedation, I keep seeing her body, so small in her hospital bed. Her white hand amid blood soaked sheets. Hear her voice, so afraid of the fever nightmare of rape and murder. Pictures in a slide show. Fear. Sleep is slow to come.