Chapter 10

Alice sat staring at the blank computer screen as she sipped her coffee and leaned back in her chair.

“What? Now you want a piece of me,” she muttered still licking her wounds from her disagreement with Bette. “Why wouldn’t you want a piece of me, everyone else does?”

Alice pushed the computer away as she heard a knock at the door. She quickly got up, thankful for the distraction, and opened the door.

“Hi,” Bette said sheepishly. “Can I come in?”

Alice merely stepped aside unable to avoid Bette as she was standing in her doorway. She clicked the door shut and turned around to face her friend, preparing herself mentally for another battle of wills.

“Why don’t I just start?”

Alice folded her arms in defiance waiting for Bette to speak.

“You were right.”

Alice blinked, then shot Bette a strange look, wondering if she had heard her right.

“Come again?”

“You were right, I was wrong and for that I am very sorry. I took my aggression out on you and I shouldn’t have.”

Bette made her way inside, depositing her coat on a nearby chair, and sitting on the couch without being asked. She grabbed an open bottle of water and took a sip, again without asking, leaving Alice in the doorway stunned at Bette’s admission.

“Is it really that hard to believe that I’ve come to apologize?” Bette asked.

“Frankly, yes it is.”

“I’ve changed,” Bette said smiling at her friend.

“Not that much,” Alice said finally sitting down overcoming her state of shock. She put her feet up on her coffee table and stared at her friend waiting for Bette to continue.

“I know how much you love Angie and what you said was out of that love. I got angry and shouldn’t have, it wasn’t you I was angry with.”

“And who prêt ell are you angry with?” Alice asked. She quickly smiled and added, “I kinda felt like it was me.”

“Myself mostly.”

“Care to share?” Alice said taking the now almost empty bottle of water from Bette and finishing it.

“I get so damn frustrated at my life Alice. There are times I feel like I can’t breathe.”

Alice sat quietly, partially out of respect to allow her friend to vent and partially because Bette’s openness came as a surprise to her and she wasn’t sure how to respond.

“I see what I lost everyday, every time I look at Tina, I see my dream and my loss. When someone, even our daughter, brings up the past I feel like I have to face it over and over again and it hurts like hell. I always think to myself, ‘is this the time that reliving this will open Tina’s eyes and she’ll walk out of my life forever’, it scares the shit out of me Al.”

“Tina’s eyes were wide open and she’s still here.”

“Tina sees what she wants to see.”

“She sees the wonderful woman in front of her. You’ve changed Bette. Earlier, when I questioned that, I was just giving you a hard time.”

“I know,” Bette said smiling.

“I know you didn’t know that until I said that, ya know?”

“Not really,” Bette said confused. “I really fucked up Al. Tina wants to continue the discussion later, ya know the big pink elephant one that I let in when I said that thing.”

“The thing about love?”

“That’s the thing.”

“What’s wrong with admitting you love her?”

“It’s not that easy,” Bette said laying her head back and closing her eyes. “I’m with Kristen.”

“Who is a wonderful woman, but if she isn’t the woman for you now she never will be. You can’t force your heart to feel something it doesn’t Bette. It doesn’t make her bad or you. Neither one of you is wrong for how you feel.”

“She deserves more,” Bette said sadly.

“Kristen knew what she was getting into.”

“No,” Bette interrupted. “I mean Tina, she deserves more. I fucked it up so badly the first time, I never thought I’d get another chance.”

“And?”

“And now I think I might. The way she questioned me about that, whatever that was…”

“The big pink elephant.”

“Yes, that last statement, she’s got the upper hand.”

“How so?”

“Knowledge,” Bette said.

“So?”

“So last time she had the upper hand I kidnapped our daughter, she slept with Henry, and my life was so low I drank myself into an oblivion to escape it all. Not in any order obviously.”

“What’s wrong with being vulnerable? Isn’t that what love is all about?”

“It is?” Bette asked as she opened her eyes to look at her friend.

“Loving someone, as far as I can remember being that the last person I loved like that was Dana, is all about opening yourself to the other person. You have to trust Tina enough to know that whatever those feelings are that you hand her, she’ll touch them gently.”

“Handle them with kid’s gloves so to speak,” Bette added. “I do trust Tina, it’s myself that I don’t trust.”

“When are you going to get over the Candace thing?”

“When I stop seeing it as the beginning of the end of the life I wanted so badly.”

“I thought it was ending before that,” Alice said pointedly.

“I don’t see it that way. There was always something else we could have tried. If I hadn’t gone outside of our relationship, she would have moved heaven and Earth to still try. She wouldn’t have ended up, well, here in your apartment that night.”

Bette looked over at the chart on the wall. The once simple chart of Tina’s had expanded to include Helena, which linked her to many others, it had Henry in a different color making it stand out like an eyesore, and one other random woman that Bette never could remember when it came time to recall her name.

“Her tree looks a lot different then yours,” Alice said following Bette’s eyes to the chart on the wall.

“I’ve made a habit out of avoiding her, the loneliness of missing her, by using other women.”

“Glad you said it and not me,” Alice chuckled. “I’d hate to get my head bit off again.”

“I assume I’m forgiven right? It isn’t often I say I’m sorry so you must know I mean it.”

“I do,” Alice smiled. “What I want to know more though is what are you going to do about Tina?”

“Nothing for now,” Bette said. “I have a show to open tomorrow, a girl friend to deal with, and most importantly a daughter that needs to be talked to about all my indiscretions so she can beat me up as much as I do myself.”

“Are you afraid to talk to her about it?”

“Yeah, frankly I am. How can you be a parent and lecture a child on the rights and wrongs of life when you’ve made so many mistakes?”

“Do you think Tina will let you stand there and take all the blame?”

“Even if she doesn’t, the main point is that I cheated. Everything else may have led up to that, but that was the nail in the coffin and that’s what she’ll remember. She’s more like me then you think Al.”

“I know she’s like you, but Tina will stand by you and force Angie to acknowledge what happened before then. It’s not just your fault, although sittin’ on Candy’s face didn’t help the situation.”

“No I’m sure it didn’t,” Bette said sadly.

“But it’s over and you need to learn to let it go.”

“I can’t, it’s what keeps me afraid from fucking it all up again.”

“Why be afraid? People make mistakes Bette. Every relationship has them.”

“Not to that extent,” Bette said. “I felt so low Alice, I can’t even describe to you what it felt like to be in that situation.”

“I remember seeing you in that situation, believe me, I don’t want to see that again. But I think you’ve grown, you’ve stumbled but you’ve gotten up and learned from it.”

“What if I haven’t?”

“Then you can keep kidding yourself and Kristen that your relationship will be anything less then a whole one because your heart belongs to Tina.”

Bette sighed and laid her head back, wishing for the strength to push forward and forgive herself.



Kit saw Tina walk in and waived to her as a few tables cleared out due to the lunch crowd thinning and people returning back to work. Kit walked up and hugged her once sister-in-law, giving her an extra squeeze at the end.

“How you doin’ Baby Girl?”

Tina smiled at the long-time nickname Kit used, bringing back so many pleasant memories of shared family time when her and Bette were a couple.

“I’m ok, you?”

“That doesn’t sound ok. I’m not convinced.”

“I wanted to talk to you actually, if you have time.”

“Sure,” Kit motioned for her to sit down at a table and waived over a waitress. She ordered two coffees for them and then focused her attention on Tina and waited for her to begin.

“I saw your sister today,” Tina said hesitantly.

“This is gonna be good.”

“No, really, it wasn’t bad.”

“I heard earlier she took Alice’s head off for telling her to talk to Angie about her questions.”

“That was putting it mildly,” Tina said.

“Bette has a way with words when she’s angry.”

“Did you hear what else she said?”

“Specifically?”

“The ending?”

“Yes, the ending I heard. Alice can’t help but to gossip about a good story and Bette letting the cat out of the bag is about as good as it gets. Alice loves when she loses her cool.”

“Alice has a way of bringing that out in her.”

“Yes, but my sister is an adult and can learn to manage her feelings better.”

“Yeah,” Tina stared out into the room, mindlessly stirring her coffee.

“You didn’t come here to ask me about what I heard though did you?”

“No Kit, I didn’t. I wanted to talk to you about what was said though.”

“Because I am a relationship expert in same-sex relationships?” Kit asked laughing.

“No, because you’re an expert on Bette.”

“Not in that aspect, that’d be you my Dear.”

“Kristen’s leaving her after the show,” Tina said waiting for a reaction. When one didn’t come she continued assuming Kit hadn’t heard her. “She came and told me, she’s leaving her.”

“And?”

“Don’t you feel badly?”

“No, if she needs to leave my Baby Sis because she can’t give her the love she needs, then I wish her all the luck. It doesn’t surprise me if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Not at all?”

“It surprises me she’d involve you in that decision.”

“She didn’t involve me, she came to talk to me after she had made it.”

“But you know and I am assuming Bette doesn’t?”

“No,” Tina confirmed. “She doesn’t know.”

“And you have no intention of telling her?”

“No, I don’t want to get in the middle of that,” Tina said.

“But you feel in the middle of that because she’s blamed you for leaving Bette. Let me guess, Bette still loves you and she feels she can’t compete so she’s taking the easy road out.”

“It isn’t easy, I can tell you by the look on her face she doesn’t think it’s easy.”

“Going to you so that you can pick up the pieces she creates is easier then facing it herself.”

“You don’t like her very much do you?”

“I do,” Kit proceeded with caution. “She hasn’t been my favorite person Bette dated. Nor has she given me a niece.”

Kit smiled as her words sunk into Tina’s head. Tina took a deep breath in and slowly let it out in a style that screamed meditation exercise.

“Why are you here Tina?” Kit finally asked.

“Because I’m confused and have no where to go. I have no spot to start in because I am so confused at what to do that I don’t even know where to begin to get unconfused.”

“That confused eh?” Kit said smiling and placing a hand over Tina’s in comfort. “Look in your heart. If there you see Bette, you aren’t as confused as you think you are. If you don’t see Bette, but you see just Angie or Angie and someone else, then you aren’t confused either. You both think too much about this stuff.”

“She does too?”

“All the time. She’s never forgiven herself for some of those past ghosts ya know? The bottom line, and this is what I tell her too so I don’t feel like I’m betraying anyone by giving this advice, if you love each other and are willing to put the hard work into a relationship, then do it together.”

“What if I mess up again and it destroys Angie?”

“It won’t, but are you worried about destroying Angie or destroying Bette?”

“I’m worried about it destroying me.”

“Ah,” Kit said leaning back and finishing her mug of coffee.

“I can’t go back there, not having Bette in my life. But I can’t let Bette being my entire life happen again either.”

“Then don’t.”

“How do I guarantee that won’t happen?” Tina said with tears in her eyes.

“You don’t. You just try your hardest to love her and respect her more then you do anyone else.”

“And if that isn’t enough?”

“Then you keep trying if you love her enough.”

“What’s enough? What if she doesn’t love me enough back?”

“She does,” Kit said smiling. “She loves you more then she loves herself and that’s saying a lot.”

“She’s always loved me more then herself,” Tina said sadly.

“Sadly I don’t always think that was the case. I think Bette was at a point when you first got pregnant, your first pregnancy that is, where she didn’t love herself let alone others around her. She was very unhappy with her life.”

“Do you think that’s a reflection on me?”

“No, I think it’s a reflection on Bette and how much she’s grown.”

“So what do I do?”

Kit laughed and shook her head as to signal she wasn’t going to give further advice.

“Not biting?”

“I make a point in not meddling in my sister’s love life. I can’t handle the stress.”

“What about Kristen?”

“What about her?”

“Do I tell Bette? Do I tell her what I know?”

“I can say one thing Tina, my philosophy of staying out of her love life has worked wonders for me. You can’t control Kristen and what she does, you can only control your reaction to it.”

“But if it were you?”

“If it were me I’d be there for her when the chips fall, not a moment sooner if you can’t keep what you know a secret.”

“Thank Kit,” Tina said as she got up and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ve got to get home to Angelica.”

“Give my niece a kiss for me,” Kit called out after Tina as she made her way out of The Planet and into her car.



“What are you doing out here?” Angelica asked Shane as she sat on her back porch smoking a cigarette.

“Smoking,” Shane answered as she blew the smoke in the opposite direction of her niece.

“Why out here?”

“Because it’s uncomfortable as hell and if I make it too easy on myself to smoke inside, with the comfort of my couch, I’d never quit.”

“Makes sense,” Angelica said.

“Does it or are you just saying that?”

“Just saying it,” she admitted.

“Well good, glad I can still read your mind.”

“What am I thinking now?” Angelica asked.

“You want to talk to me about your moms,” Shane said smiling and crushing the cigarette out as Angelica sat down next to her.

“I guess you can read my mind.”

“Not that hard Angie. I knew you’d come to me sooner or later.”

“Should I have come to you before Aunt Helena?”

“Don’t know, you learned a lot from her as far as I can tell.”

“Yeah that she dated my Mom,” Angelica said rolling her eyes.

“Is it that bad?”

“It can be when I think about it.”

“She treated her well Honey, that has to say something to you.”

“It says that she wasn’t the person that broke them up.”

“No,” Shane shook her head and lit another cigarette. “She wasn’t the one that broke them up.”

“Who was?”

Angelica knew that her Aunt Shane would answer as honestly as she could. She always felt that Shane treated her more like an adult, an equal. She didn’t make a habit out of sugarcoating things, least of all to protect Angelica. Angelica appreciated the treatment she got from Shane, she actually counted on it in this particular situation.

“Why do you think it’s a person that broke them up?”

“Because they love each other and would be together if someone didn’t.”

“They love each other, yes, but life isn’t always that simple.”

“You aren’t going to tell me are you?”

Shane smiled and shook her head no.

“Not because I don’t want to, but because your mom was at Mama B’s work this morning trying to convince her to talk to you about what happened. I think it should come from them.”

“Did she convince her?”

“I think so, but I didn’t stick around for the ending.”

“Why is that?”

“Mama B got mad, so we let your mom, being the expert in calming her down, do her magic while we ate lunch.”

“Oh, was Mama B mad that I talked to Aunt Helena?”

“Sort of, but I think she’s more angry at herself for being in a position like she is.”

“What do you mean?”

“That she needs to explain anything to you. It hurts her that you’re hurting.”

“I know,” Angelica looked down at her feet. “Am I supposed to know that they had this talk?”

“No,” Shane said simply.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure.”

“What do you do when you know something that you aren’t supposed to know, but you have questions so you have to know?”

“Huh?” Shane asked confused. “Run that by me again.”

“Like, what if I saw something that I wasn’t supposed to, but I have questions.”

“Oh, well what is it and maybe I can help?”

“I can’t even talk about it Aunt Shane! I am so embarrassed.”

“OK, well if it were me, and I had questions about something, I’d ask someone I trusted to give me an honest answer and not tell what embarrassed me to others.”

“Got it,” Angelica said smiling. “I may be back.”

Angelica ran from Shane’s yard to her own to meet Tina as she saw her car making it’s way down the street toward their house.

“I was afraid of that,” Shane muttered as she lit another cigarette in anticipation.