We spent the rest of the day lying in bed, we didn’t speak we didn’t do anything just laid here. My head on her chest, her heart beating slowly and steadily lulling me into a troubled sleep. Her hands stopped shaking not to long after she took the pills, and I want her to stop to never leave me. She so warm, god she is all that I’ll ever need, how have I fallen asleep without her she’s like my teddy bear. That thing that I can’t sleep without and I can’t help but wonder what it would it would be like without her. What it would be like to wake up without her, like I have for so long, but what if she was dead? It hurts too much to even think about it, to think of this world without Shane would be like heaven without angels.

I dream of her falling, of her hitting the water and that she doesn’t come up. That all I can do is stand here watching her drown, hearing her silent screams breaking my heart. Filling my head, god I have to get to her, I have to save her. The burn of the tears running down my face, my breath shaking and it never reaches my lungs. I can’t see her in the water, is she even there? God please…just bring her back, I can’t lose her. Shane…why? I want to scream her name, that maybe she can hear it, maybe she’ll come back up. Fuck why can’t I move? I need her…I need to save her; I need her here with me. Fucking move feet, just move closer to her…she so close. How did I get here? The glass surface of the water reflecting my own face, and I can see the outline of her body just floating along the bottom of the dark. The water so cold against my finger tips and the sound of my tears dropping into the pool are deafening, each one adding to the dark cold water. God my heart…I can’t feel it beat anymore. I can’t feel my pulse race, or my lungs fill with air and I can’t feel the water. It’s too cold, there is no heat left here, no warm body to keep me warm through the night. There is no one to remember fucking red velvet cake with chocolate chips, or black and white movies on Sunday morning. No one to hold my hand as we walk down the street, no one to have those silent moments where all we do is…staring. God I can see that smile so bright that can make my knees weak and my heart race. No more glances from her when we’re sitting at the planet, fuck I hate her for leaving me here. Why couldn’t she stay? Why couldn’t she see me here waiting for her? Didn’t she hear me calling? Does she hear me now?