The hardest part about opening yourself up… you risk losing everything. When you have never really had anything to begin with, the idea of losing everything shouldn’t scare you, since you don’t have much to loose. But instead, it scares you even more. What you hold inside of yourself, what you keep from the rest of the world, that’s yours. No one else’s. When people want you to let them in, they are taking that little bit of yourself that you own. That one thing that is yours and yours alone is suddenly someone else’s. And that’s when it can all come crashing down, leaving you completely empty inside. I’ve tried my whole life, so hard, to keep everyone at bay. Keep people away from that little bit of myself that no matter what has happened in my life, still belongs to me. Some people will say that it makes me cold, heartless. That it means I don’t know how to feel. Maybe they’re right. Actually no, they’re wrong. Honesty here, that’s what we’re going for, right? They’re wrong. I know how to feel, I’ve known how to do that my whole life. I just don’t let myself. Because feeling means connecting, and connecting leads to losing, and losing equals hurt. I’ve been hurt enough. I’ve had my lifetime quota of hurt and I’m not even 30 yet. How much hurt am I supposed to be exposed to? How much pain and loss can I see and suffer before I finally can’t pick myself up and plough on ahead? How long till I don’t want to continue on anymore?

When you move around a lot, or see others move around, the first thing that gets engrained into your brain is that everyone leaves. No one stays, no one will be there, in the end, you are alone. Doesn’t matter how long you knew someone, doesn’t matter how well you connected, or how much they claimed to love you. In the end, they or you leave. Doesn’t matter who does the leaving, you still find yourself alone. Alone. That’s how I describe my life. Sure, people have come in and out of my life. I’ve had friends, lost friends, gained new ones. But somehow I still always find myself alone. So I don’t let myself feel for others. If I feel nothing for them, then it hurts less when someone finally leaves. If I keep myself closed off from them, then they can’t take that piece of me that’s inside and mine, and they can’t break it, or me. But at the same time, I crave it. I want it more than anything. I want to feel love, whatever the fuck love actually is. I want to feel happiness, and warmth of friendship, I want to know what companionship and loyalty and stability feels like. I want that human connection.