And that’s where sex comes in. Its human connection at the most primal level. Its emotion, completely raw. Its release, sweet release. Ask a cutter what it feels like when they drag the blade across their skin. Ask a skydiver what it feels like that second they jump. No matter the situation, they will all say the same thing. Sweet release. That chemical rush in your brain that gives you that momentary natural high. Sex is how I get mine. I pleasure someone, and in doing so, sometimes pleasure myself. But it’s the closest I come to sharing that piece inside of me with someone. It makes the pain go away. When you hit that moment, when the orgasm takes over, the hurt and pain is no more. All there is is sweet release. So why never the same girl twice? Why never stick around after, bask in the afterglow as they say? Because repeats, afterwards, that’s where the connections happen. That’s where it stops being a release, an escape, a good time. It becomes a connection, a relationship, an entry point for them to see inside of you. I don’t know when it started, but I don’t let them see me when I cum. I bury my face in their neck, look to the side, whatever. But that moment when the orgasm takes over, that’s mine. Just like what’s inside, I don’t share it. No matter how many “families” I lived with, or johns I pulled, or women I fucked, as long as I don’t let them see in me, then I’m safe. I’m safe to feel that release. I’m safe to feel… period.

So how have these women pushed past all that? How did Bette lure me into trusting her? How has she, despite my walls and rules and ways to keep people out, become special to me in a way no one else in the world is? I find myself looking for her approval. I care what she thinks. I let her in. And she didn’t take anything from me. None of them have. And I think that’s why they are my family. That’s why I stay connected to these women. Why I freely love them, care for them, and let them see me. Because they let me keep what little I own. They let me keep what’s inside me. They let me have what’s inside of me without letting me get lost inside, lose my connection with the outside world. I never thought I’d meet anyone in the world who would do that, let alone a group of them. I didn’t know people like that existed. I never believed people like that existed. Maybe if I had met people like that earlier in life, my path would have been much different. Who knows…