Alice walked over Tina, putting her arm on Tina’s shoulder, “You know, TK, it is a big ask. But I don’t understand why you’re so concerned about whether or not you’ll find it, unless I’m mistaken, and we both know I’m never wrong on things like this, you already have that.”

Tina turned to look at Alice, “What are you talking about, Al?”

“Duh, T, her name’s Julia, and if I remember correctly, as was speak, she is dutifully taking care of your daughter.”

Tina face changed as Alice spoke. It was as though someone had lifted the blinds and suddenly let some light into her mind, for the first time, she was picturing Julia and seeing a woman, not just her friend.

—

Drowning 38

Tina woke before Alice and was really wishing she had begged off the last glass of wine, maybe the last three. Her head hurt, but it wasn’t all because of the hangover. Alice really threw her for a loop. She had been in a delightful state of denial which suited her quite well. Her relationship with Julia had been perfectly suited for Tina’s needs through the last few years, but now?

For years she had let herself just wallow in an all encompassing self pity. Her relationship with Bette had deteriorated in front of them and neither had done anything to repair it. Instead they waited for a reason to end things. They didn’t fight to save the relationship. Had Tina stayed in LA, maybe they would have fought. But as it stands, she will never know because she was a coward and ran away from the hurt instead of trying to salvage what was , at least in her mod, her once in a lifetime love.  If that was true, why did she and Bette both decide that it was over. They had the power in their hands and opted to move forward, not backwards. But she knew why.

Though Tina had to acknowledge that in the last few years, she has remained isolated from anything that could be counted as involving her heart, she is happy with who she is now. She had her own personality. She was her own person, something she never quite mastered during her relationship with Bette. She love her life and liked the person ash had grown into. Julia had been a god-send to her when they became friends. Julia listened without judgment, encouraged Tina in any avenue she took. Julia was her family for years. She loved Cara like her own. She shared all of the pieces of her life that Bette had always filled. Somehow Tina had been blind to it. How unfair she has been to Julia, no noticing all that she must have given up in her own life to play that role in Tina and Cara’s.  So now, Tina’s mind was a flurry of different questions. How could she be so selfish? Was the wonderful friendship something more? How could she first be seeing the possibility? Was it worth risking the friendship to see what if anything is there? Would Julia even want to find out?