Chapter 12

Carmen dried her eyes and turned on the ignition. She pursed her lips, seeing her dismayed face reflected in the rearview mirror. She shook her head, trying hard to normalize her furious breath and heartbeat. There was something about to crack, finally, inside of her. She had acted as the strong person that she was, with Melissa, and she hadn’t exactly overreacted with Shane, and now she felt suddenly exhausted. Worn out and upset at the same time. She felt used, but, strangely, not by Shane.

The truth was that Carmen knew that Shane’s feelings were honest. She had felt it, right from the start. She had watched into Shane eyes for millions of seconds and not a single time she had seen lies or betrayal, inside of them. She realized that she had probably seen guilt, in them, and shame, but not once falsity or pretence.

She held the steering wheel tighter and repressed a sob. How did it happen?, she asked to herself, furiously. How did it happen? Maybe I’m not destined to happiness. This is the first time I’m feeling so completely, utterly connected to someone else and guess what? This “someone else” is not who she is supposed to be.

Carmen thought about Melissa’s words.

She’s the pussy tester, the pussy licker, the pussy fucker par excellence. She gets paid. She’s a whore, she’s nothing more than a prostitute. Is this the kind of person you wanna be with?

The road before Carmen’s eyes was completely unknown. She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn’t realize she was just cruising without a destination. Actually, she didn’t even know where she would spend the night. Her mother had moved back to Mexico after the death of Carmen’s father, and Carmen didn’t want to be a burden for her friends.

Shane’s words echoed into her head.

… Then I fell in love with you. Desperately in love, right from the start, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t stay away from you anymore…

“Jesus Christ…”, Carmen whispered under her breath, rubbing her eyes.

… That night, at the hotel, I threw Melissa’s cheque away, it was burning in my hands, I felt guilty, ashamed… I already knew that I was in love with you. That was something that had never happened to me before…