CONTEMPLATION

Going to the beach alone, that’s where I’ll clear my head.  I want to know if this is indeed the life I choose.  I often find myself talking to me, whether out loud or just in my head so bear with me.

I hate it when I’m detached when they talk about boys, dating, getting hitched.  It’s like they are caught in this romantic spell but I can’t feel anything.  Damn, I can’t even imagine anything when I close my eyes.  Is there something utterly wrong with me?  How come in college when my Psych block mates and I had this session in Experiential Psychology, some pictured themselves in wedding gowns and some were walking on the seashore holding hands with a husband and a kid?  Weird!  Or am I the weird one?  My mind was blank.  The picture was empty but as far as I can recall, I wasn’t sad.  I didn’t feel alone.  Oh well, that was 15 years ago.  I was a college senior in this all-girl Catholic school.  Had tons of good friends, made good grades and my social life was always flying!  Oh, I had a girlfriend back then.  Truth is, I was never without a girlfriend since high school but my life really began 9 years ago.  How is that?  It was that time that I told myself, ”you’re gay Carmen so just live with it!”  And the rollercoaster ride begins.

FLASHBACK

July 1991

After ditching my HS relationship because I moved to a new school and met new people, I see her, my ex waiting outside the gate.  I blew some air and figured this won’t end well.  Anyway, she wanted to go home with me so I let her.

CARMEN:  I’m going to bed now.  You can just stay over but I have an early day tomorrow – Philosophy graded recitation.

Tessa just nodded her head and said ok.

I turned off the light and went to bed.  We were going to sleep in my puny bed and felt nothing.  Really, it s over between us but I didn’t want to be harsh.  I broke up with her days ago and have not seen her since.  Common friends said she drank every night and cried herself until she got dehydrated.  I felt a pinch in my heart but what was I to do?  I didn’t love her anymore.  I’m 18.  Give me a break!  I do have other stuff to think of, like my new school and my new friends.  I still have to take that test to be part of the Writing Guild, hell I’m not even sure if I like my course now.  Oh geezzz.