It wasn’t even 30 minutes after that, when I felt her shift to her side and faced me.  I kept my eyes closed but I was still up trying to get some shut-eye when I felt it.  She was kissing me.  She was trying to get me into it but there was nothing.  I didn’t move.  I couldn’t move.  I didn’t want to be a bitch but I didn’t want to give her hope.  My brain was screaming, “It’s over, it’s sooo over!”  I just stayed still.  And it stopped.  But something else began.  It was a soft whimpering.  She turned to face the other side and I did nothing.  The next morning, she was gone before I got up.  And there it was again, this bad, empty, weird feeling that I couldn’t describe.  Am I a terrible person?  Would one kiss matter?  Another miserable day.  Why are break-ups so hard?

May 2000

At Starbucks with my friends

AUDREY:  So where are you going Carmen?  Trying to get into more trouble on your own? 

SHIRLEY:  Yeah, why can’t you go next weekend so we can join you? Do you desperately want be alone?  I know it’s “your island.”  Man, you go there 4 times a year!  Sometimes I wonder if you have a girlfriend in Boracay.  Or maybe a fling?  You know, every time she gets there, it’s a different person?!  Ha ha ha!

Geographically speaking, Boracay is part of the municipality of Malay in the province of Aklan, which is located in Panay, one of a cluster of islands that constitute the central section of the Philippine Archipelago.

CARMEN:  Shut up you people!  As much I have no problems with random sex between 2 consenting adults, I will tell you again that I don’t know anyone in Boracay.  It’s just so peaceful there.  I feel in touch with myself.  You get what I’m saying?  It’s like all my worries melt under the sun’s gaze.  It’s like being free.  I don’t have to hide and make others happy while making me unhappy! 

And I see my friends waving off my explanations.  I wish they could feel how I feel.  Audrey and Shirley are lucky.  They never had to go through the confusion of being gay or not.  They weren’t expected to bring guy friends home.  They could wear whatever they wanted and their friends were close to their parents.  They could talk to their folks.  Well, I can’t complain but my mom and dad are way way older and they wouldn’t get it.  I wouldn’t even know how to start chatting with them about homosexuality or the girl that makes me smile when she walks by.  Audrey had a gay aunt and Shirley, well, she has a gay younger brother who had a really cute boyfriend.  They never felt alone.  They never felt different.