I woke up to a groggy state of mind. My sleep was restless. The alcohol in my system still slowly swimming through my being. Had I really gotten myself into that mess? I looked around my apartment, my reserve to start on a cleanse. I had this new found intake of how to finally get my life on track. It was time for change.

I would detox. Release all elements of my heart that would love her to my very last breath. Concentrate on what was now and not the past that I was living in.

As I thought this I still couldn’t help hoping for my phone to ring and wishing it would be her on the other end. But I knew that wish wouldn’t come true.

I turn on the computer clicking onto the folder clearly marked ‘Helena’. Photo’s we had both taken on my camera flickering and filling the entire screen. I had every single last one. The most sacred I had printed out but others just remained on file.

The beauty and intoxicating way her eyes captured every last thought and feeling she portrayed represented in each one. I smile as I come across a picture of us two laying in bed just after we had both woken up. As much of a mess most would think we looked, I would simply describe it us as a beautiful mess. Our faces pale, hair tangled but our eyes filled with love and promise. Everything I needed. I can’t deny in those moments they represented all Helena had done to me. I was no longer angry at how the world gave up on me. She never did. Even now she still hadn’t completely shut me out.

I close my eyes and remember the rapture of her kisses, she enabled me to open up my heart and set myself free. I don’t think she quite understood how below the surface I was infatuated with her love for me. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I couldn’t get enough of the way her touch as smooth as honey, melting away all pretences of feeling relentless to my own convictions.

I opened my eyes, sad with having to let go of a love that happened long ago. I could feel myself getting emotional as I clicked the mouse to delete the folder. The dialogue box appeared asking if I was sure, was I? I faltered at the last second; I could let go without deleting every fragment and influence she had over my heart.

********

I woke to find the sheets cold, I’d came to bed late memories of the past had been on replay non-stop. Why was it so hard to let go? I was in love with Alyssa. And yet I was sat thinking about another woman. My guilty conscience was overpowering. I crept into bed to find Alyssa sleeping blissfully unaware of everything coursing through my veins.

“Morning sleepy head, I made you breakfast”. My admiration ignited once again, the reasons I loved this woman were plain to see.

“Morning babe”.

“You kept tossing and turning last night. I’m taking it last night things didn’t go too well with Dylan. You didn’t say much when you got back.” I smiled as she poured me some tea and climbed back into bed, placing the breakfast tray in the middle of the bed.

“No it went ok. Is it ok to still be worried about her though?”. I sipped my tea, I had to know if Dylan bothered her because my heart and head were torn.

“Yes it’s understandable with some ex’s I guess that part of you worrying about them never fades. The love for them adjusts to I don’t know, that type of thing all straight people never understand. You can just be friends with ex’s.” She laughs as she bites into her french toast.

“Oh so that’s what it is”. I slap her arm lightly, in that playful tone that naturally occurs between us.

“Me and Tina are great friends, but with Dylan its a completely different situation I think she wants more than what I’ve got to give”.

“H, honey I think only you know what you’ve got left to give. But I know you’ve got a massive heart and loads of love to give. I think you should try and be friends with Dylan maybe then you can forgive her for the past and put it behind you.”

“When did my girlfriend get so wise? I guess your not just a pretty face after all.”

The way she smiled as she pretended to be distraught over my insult. Brought that familiar desire to the yearning of my heart to love her with every bone in my body.

“Come here you”. My tone deliberately displaying my desire for her to be within my arms. I placed the tray on the floor and reacquainted myself with the woman who had completely astounded me at every obstacle that was placed in our way. She was the only woman that placed all my needs before her own. That was one of the reasons among many why I loved her.

********
This journey of my life, was the most scariest I had to embark upon. Enabling myself to just be friends with Helena. Whenever I was around her I was nervous, no one had ever made me feel that way before.

I had started working on a documentary about the contrast of love and how when you find it we all seem connected. Somehow connected to others as you see them smile in their loved ones arms, or the generations of what different types of love entail.

Love for me, is like an abstract piece of art. First you look at it unsure of what it is, or what you’re suppose to gain. But then you see it, for the first you can feel it deep down. It hits you. You see it clearly, and once you have there’s no pretending that your life will ever be the same before you found it.

I wanted to preoccupy my mind, work was all I had so I figured it was the best way to conquer feeling love sick, heartbroken and otherwise a typical mess.

I brought up shots I had taken from my video camera onto the computer screen. I watched the small piece I had filmed of an elderly couple enjoying an ice cream together on a bench by the ocean. I couldn’t help but smile, their faces so apparent to the love they felt for one another. I wondered whether or not they had been together since they were kids. You know the old fashioned ‘I ask for your hand in marriage’ and ‘Wait for me until I get back from the war’ maybe they weren’t all fairy tales or love stories from movies. They could just be reality and living among us, the greatest love of their life.

I wondered to myself how serious Helena and Alyssa were, I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was different about their love. I don’t know how to describe the way Alyssa seemed to genuinely care for my welfare and obviously Helena’s. It was as if Helena had found the one woman who would treat her right and accept her for all that she is. I accepted it but I used it to forcify my own selfishness and use it against her in the worst way possible.

I needed to prove I wasn’t the same person back then, I would never misplace her trust. I fucked up. But I want her to forgive me so we can move on. I need her in my life whether its by my side or from a distant. I was drawn to her like a magnet. No matter how far away I placed myself I could feel the pull of attraction draw me closer to her.

I knew she was the one. The only one. But at first I just couldn’t admit it to myself that’s exactly how and why we’re in this mess. I could easily use my manipulative ways to ensure Helena and Alyssa break up. But I couldn’t. It just wasn’t me anymore. As much as the thought of her lying in someone else arms and them bringing a smile to her sweet lips, I couldn’t live with myself if she came back to me that way if at all.

I couldn’t hurt the one person I loved. I was not about to repeat history and hurt her more than I already should have. If Helena told me she was happy I had to believe and trust that’s the path she has chosen. Could I really have expected her to leave the perfect girlfriend for me? Someone who betrayed all that she was, breaking her heart into a million pieces. I did that. I was finally starting to feel the depth of my actions. Although I knew I’d hurt Helena deeply I guess I hadn’t realised just how much.

********
Tina are you free 2day? Need to talk, Hels x

I’m free for lunch. Planet @ 1. Tina x

I sat in the Planet nervous. I hadn’t told anyone about Dylan’s prominent return. Kit knew. But I knew she would have kept it to herself she wasn’t one to pry.

I saw Tina walk in, her eyes shifting around the room to find me. She noticed me sitting by myself. Her swagger was noticed by most of the lesbians in the room. Mostly watching to see where she sat. I had to laugh if only they knew she was taken.

“Hey”

“Hey” I replied as we gave each other a quick peck on the cheek and hugged one another.

She took a sit directly opposite me. She looked worried. I don’t know what she had to be worried about.

“So what’s going on Helena I was shocked to hear you wanted to meet up and talk”.

“I erm… Well Dylan’s back”. I blurted out. I couldn’t bottle this up anymore I needed to talk to someone other than my girlfriend about this.

“Wow I wasn’t expecting that. I thought you was going to tell me you was ill or someone died.” Her eyes told me she was shocked at the news of Dylan coming back.

“Oh shit sorry I didn’t mean to worry you in that sense Tina.”

“So what does she want?”

“Erm she’s apologised a hundred times over. I never told you but she’s still been trying to get in contact with me these past 3 years. But I never once got in touch with her.”

“So you have been dealing with this on your own? Wait does Alyssa know she back on the scene?”. She fiddled with the napkin as she waited for her lunch to arrive. I wasn’t hungry. I felt sick. Was I deceiving Alyssa by talking to Tina about this?

“Yeah Alyssa knows about Dylan. And all the havoc she caused as she exited my life. She’s actually ok with us talking and trying to be friends. But I don’t know can we be friends after everything that’s happened?”. I had to know what Tina thought she was the only one who knew how I truly felt about Dylan the others just ordinarily presumed.

“Wow, she really is a good girlfriend if you ask me. I don’t know if I would be ok if Bette wanted to be friends with her ex that she loved that much her heart got broken for the first time”. I admired Tina’s honesty. It’s true although I didn’t mind Alyssa being friends with Rose, I guess it’s because they had an amicable break up.

“Yeah I guess. Alyssa just wants me to do what I feel is right. But I don’t know Tina. Would you think I was stupid if I did let her back into my life?”. Was I stupid to even consider the possibility.

“I wouldn’t think you was stupid Hels, but I would say guard your heart closely to your chest. Who’s to say she won’t hurt you again?”. Her hand reached for mine. Our bond would never fade. I considered her a close friend. And I’m glad that Bette didn’t mind we spoke anymore. There was no chemistry of that sort between us anymore.

“Who is to say she will? I don’t know I’m torn between what my heart and head are telling me. You know she was the first woman I fall in love with?”.

“Really?” Her mouth agape. “Wow. That is something no wonder you needed to talk. She was your first. But when you look beyond all that hurt she caused you, can you see yourself forgiving her and moving on?”. I could sense her concern, we both cared for one another’s welfare. She was the first person I had ever befriended after a sweet fling.

“I know to move on completely I need to forgive her properly. Yeah I guess I felt stupid that’s why I never told anyone how I’d fell in love with the one person who nearly destroyed my very existence.” I could feel my hot tears building up in my eyes. I promised I would stop crying about everything that happened but sometimes the pain still surfaced and took over my emotions and all control I had over them.

“Hels seriously follow your heart. If you follow what your head is saying trust me you will regret it. Look at me with Bette. We nearly lost everything we had together just because we were both stubborn and couldn’t admit to our true feelings. I know you loved Dylan deeply but do you still feel that way?”. Her voice stern and serious as she waited for my reply.

“I don’t think I can answer that Tina.”

“You just have even if we won’t say it out loud but answer me this. Are you in love with Alyssa?”.

I silently nod hanging my head in shame. I was guilty of loving both women.

“So what are you going to do about it?”. She moved herself so she was positioned next to me holding me close. She knew how much I was hurting. And I didn’t have to say a word.

“There’s nothing I want to do about it. I’m with Alyssa now and I love her. She treats me good and she wouldn’t hurt me.” I was fighting myself. I couldn’t deter whether or not my heart was out weighing my head or vice versa.

“I know you love Alyssa. I mean all of us love her. I was glad when she came along, she brightened up your world again. I never thought I would see the day. I mean you were single and never slept with anybody until you got with Alyssa that’s how heartbroken you were.” We remained connected, I silently let my tears fall. Why was I such a mess over Dylan?