I was nervous as we walked the short distance from the car to Dr. Wilson’s office. I had a guilty pang in my chest for waking Tina up after she looked so peaceful and calm.

We looked at one another our emotions masked our faces. In that instance Tina wrapped her fingers around mine. This was the most nerve racking thing I had ever had to undergo. But when I looked down at her fingers interlaced within mine I felt my nerves at bay. I wanted to show Tina I could support her; something I had yet to show her I was capable of doing.

We waited outside Dr. Wilson’s office until she called us both inside. She smiled and greeted Tina not noticing I was behind her. The way her eyes met mine with a warm smile at my presence it had been a long time since I had been back in this room.

“Hi Tina, so how have you been?”

“I’m ok. Just I’ve been really tired because this one wants to be active when I’m trying to sleep”.

“That’s a good sign for the baby. More so not for you unfortunately. Shall we get started?”

I turned to look at Tina as she nodded.

She motioned for Tina to hop on the bed which took centre place in the dimly lit room. 

It took Tina a couple of tries to hoist herself up on the examination table as it stood a higher distance off the floor than normal. I sat by her side, lowering myself on the unwelcoming plastic chair made available for accompanying love ones. I cast aside the slight pain jolt I felt, today was all about Tina and especially the baby, our baby.

Dr. Wilson apologised for the lack of light in the room. But she explained that it would help us to able to see the images on the screen better.

She took a quick look at Tina’s medical notes and frowned at the lack of information within the folder. 

She turned towards the us both and explained the importance of the 20 week scan were about to undergo. 

Commonly refer to as the anomaly scan, she reassured us that it was a routine scan specially designed to ensure that the baby was developing as he or she should be.

“If you would lift your top to uncover your tummy, we will get started. It should take approximately 20 minutes.” She said addressing Tina. She placed a large sheet of paper towel on Tina’s lower half and tucked it in under the belt part of her trousers.

“I am going to pour some gel on your belly now, it is a bit cold but without it we won’t be able to see the images clearly.” she continued.

The gel made contact with Tina’s warm skin and despite the prior warning made her jump slightly. I instinctively reached for her hand in a reassuring gesture. Tina did not withdraw from my touch as she squeezed my fingers to tell me she felt better with my support.

Dr. Wilson was now expertly manoeuvring a hand held device over the surface of Tina’s pregnant tummy and the screen in front of them immediately came to life.

There was audible gasps that filled the room as me and Tina gasped in unison.

“This is your baby, Tina,” She said sounding almost proud, her left index finger pointing at the unmistakable shape of a tiny human being on the screen in front of them.

All the features were there, so clearly identifiable. The head and the very discernible profile of a button shaped nose tiny lips and even an ear. The roundness of a little stomach and scrawny little arms and legs. 

The baby seemed to jerk upwards as she continued her necessary intrusion into the peacefulness of Tina’s womb and a little hand appeared with five distinct fingers spread open in a warning sign to stop the disturbance.

“Someone is not happy about being on show…. It would seem, just a little while longer little one, we need to make sure that everything is ok!”

We were both silent, transfixed by the images which were so vividly displayed on the screen in front of us.  

My heart beating with love for this child that wasn’t even born yet. It was nothing short of a miracle we were both here to see this. I wondered if Tina felt the same.

The little hand which had suddenly appeared, moved again and reached for the tiny lips which opened to let a thumb disappear within.

All of our eyes adverted and widened at the incredible and yet so natural gesture we all had just witnessed.

“Looks like you have a little show off inside you, mummy!” was the excited conclusion of Dr. Wilson, “First time I witness such an event in all my career!”

Dr. Wilson had a beaming smile on her face but it paled in comparison to the ecstatic looks on Tina’s face and the one that was a permanent fixture on mine. 

She continued with the scan, explaining to both of us what the grainy black and white and various shades in between represented.

“The baby’s bones are white,” she explained and she took particular attention in scrutinising the train track like pattern on the underside of the baby’s body. “This is the spine and the tracks are perfectly parallel, which is excellent news.” she reassured.

“The soft tissues of the baby are all these grey speckled areas and everything looks normal there too.” she carried on , clicking away on the hand held device, “the large black area, surrounding baby is the amniotic  fluid.”

She explained that she was measuring the baby development as she travelled with the device across the surface of Tina’s stomach. She wanted to ensure that the baby was growing normally according to its gestational age and that everything was on course for the due date. Which I was still uncertain what day Tina was due. I guess we hadn’t actually discussed it I was just happy this was going to happen now. Before I prayed I wouldn’t lose this opportunity and I’m grateful I never.

Tina spoke for the first time during the examination. She pointed to a little black bubble in the middle of the baby’s tummy Dr. Wilson smiled and told Tina that it was the baby’s stomach.

“Your baby swallows some of the amniotic fluid that he or she lies in and  this is what you can see right now. We might even be able to see the bladder. It seems to be empty at the moment. You may be interested to know that baby has been doing a wee every half an hour or so for some weeks now!” 

The examination carried on for a few more minutes before Dr. Wilson explained that she was satisfied with what she had seen. The baby was healthy and measurement pointed towards normal development. We were on course for the original due date.

She turned towards the monitor and flicked a switch. The room was suddenly filled with the most amazing sound. An echoey swishing sound with a faint thundering sound.  The woman manoeuvred the device slightly to the right and the faint noise became more prominent. A very loud galloping horse noise, unrelenting, strong and steady.

“This is the sound of baby’s heart.” she said “just the way we like it….strong and fast. Your baby’s heart beats between 120/180 beats per minutes and my screen here shows, 142 BPM. The swishing sound you hear in the background comes from you, Tina. There is a very large artery which runs through your abdomen and this is what you can hear.”

As she spoke, she lifted the device from the surface of Tina’s skin. The image of the thumb sucking baby disappeared from the screen and the heartbeat sound stopped. The room was quiet again as she began to methodically clean up the gel residue from Tina’s stomach.

It was like my body was transfixed to the chair, I hadn’t even noticed Tina had gotten down off the table.
They were both struck in conversation one which I was oblivious too. I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not I was suppose to have been paying attention to what they were talking about.

When I attuned myself to their voices and suddenly I snapped back into reality.

“Would you like to know the sex of the baby?”

Tina turned to look at me in this instance. I wasn’t even sure whether I would be involved within this decision or not.

She slowly closed the space that parted us, Dr. Wilson told us she would be back in a short while. I was grateful for the privacy with Tina even in these circumstances.

“So would you like to know the sex of the baby?” Tina stood over me, the statuesque of perfection. Even if her face was serious and questioning.

I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t even thought about it. Sure I’d thought about the birth and being told that it was either a girl or boy. I was scared that by being told the sex, this was all turn out to be a cruel dream that would be taken away from me. My head fell to the floor, my eyes concentrated on how many squares were within my sight that I could count.

Tina brushed my jaw with her hand, gently tipping my chin up so I was now staring directly into her eyes. A magical place, where anything seemed possible within the softness of her eyes burning into my soul leaving her name imprinted forever.

“Bette, what are you thinking? You have been quiet for a while. Is this too much?”

How could she ask if it was too much? I wanted more. What ever she wanted to give I would take openly both hands wide open. I was overwhelmed just a few short weeks ago I didn’t think we would have made it to this particular day unless it was to get rid of my unborn child.

“I guess right now Tee, I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed I guess reality is starting to sink in. I’m going to be a mother and I never thought I would have to go through this alone in a sense. I always imagined me and you together. Always.”

“I know, this is hard for both of us. But if we keep communicating the way we have I’m sure our relationship will benefit for this lil one’s sake. It’s been the hardest thing for me to accept that we were no longer together and what happened, did actually happen. I was carrying this child throughout all of that. But yet I still never apologised for keeping this from you as long as I did. This was meant to be a process we were meant to take together. Instead I started this without you.”

Our hands hung by one another’s side. How could she be sorry, clearly she knew I couldn’t handle another miscarriage. I was bitter when I found out because maybe if I would have known I would never have stepped out on Tina. But maybe everything happens for a reason.

“Maybe everything happens for a reason Tee. I’m just happy we are both here now and this little one is healthy. Maybe we should talk tonight, but what I really want to know is do you want to know the sex?”

I smoothed my fingers over her’s the moment so sacred, I wanted to savour the moment that was so fulfilled and honest between us.

I saw the lightness of her hazel eyes capture mine and for the first time I guess I had an some would say an epiphany. I couldn’t imagine my life without her nor would I let that happen now more than ever.

I patiently sat there just content with holding her hands in mine. The warmth in her eyes spoke volumes, the sadness was lifting there was hope.

“I want this to be a joint decision, I already decided so much without you. It was unfair to suppress what I was felt to make you feel the same. From here on out I want us both to promise one another when it comes to our child, we will make every decision together.”

I smiled, my emotions finally being tipped over the edge. She wanted me to be apart of this child’s life in every sense. I pursed my lips together bringing them down to her left hand. Slowly pressing my lips into her sweetly scented skin. I felt the effect from my lips create a shudder within her body. I wasn’t sure if I had crossed the line, maybe it was inappropriate.

“I’m sorry it’s just… I’ve prayed every night since you told me you was pregnant for those words to leave your mouth.”

“Let’s talk tonight.” I nodded complying with her statement as her hands easily weaved their way through my curly mane. This was always how she soothed me. I just never let her before. It was different now. Everything felt different.

We stood. Glued to the one space. Like time didn’t matter. It stood still for us at this moment in time. It was a tranquil feeling to let go completely; lose yourself in the one person who means more to you than life itself.

“I want to know”. Blurted from my lips, I surprised myself. I observed as Tina seemed taken back by my outburst.

Again I waited for Tina to confirm her thoughts, “Me too”. The only way to describe how ecstatic the look on my face was an upside down rainbow.

Dr. Wilson re-joined us in her office, “So has a decision been made?”.

Her grip tightened on my hand never once did she let go, I watched as her body turned inwards to look directly through me. How did she do that?

I watched her lips curve as her words flowed, “We’ve decided we would like to know the sex of the baby”.

“Ok. It’s a hard decision for most first time parents, a lot like to keep it all a big surprise until the very end. But I see first-hand from people knowing that it brings them closer. They feel more in control because they can prepare more efficiently.”

We both just nodded the suspense killing us both as we sat opposite the doctor’s desk.

“You are going to have a baby girl”.
Tina shot up from her chair delving into me, her arms draped themselves around my neck with no abandonment. Her cheeks soaked with tears, my eyes were blurry. Reality was setting in quicker than I ever imagined.

I found myself whispering to Tina all the things I wanted to say for so long, “I wish I could hold you forever and for you to be able to love me again.” I paused feeling myself getting caught up in the overwhelming news “I love you and this child with everything I am”.

I pulled my body away, blotting the tears that soaked my face mainly mixed with Tina’s.

After booking another appointment for a check up in 6 weeks time we left. Dr. Wilson confirmed that lack of medical notes was a concern at this point and wanted to ensure Tina was healthy and so was the baby. I thanked her for explaining things so clearly and for taking care of Tina. We both left her office a load lighter, Tina was yet to let go of my hand. I couldn’t complain I felt like this moment should never end.