Laying there in the dark, not awake and not succumbing to sleep. Coaxing my hands around my body to create some warmth, my body temperature constantly fluctuated these days.

8 days, 12 hours and 23 minutes to be exact.

That was when I began to feel not myself, lost in this bewilderment. My world crushed, shattered to smithereens.

I’m exhausted, both on the outside and in. But yet still my body won’t let me sleep. I’ve become withdrawn, isolated and introvert. I speak to no body, only work colleagues. These past 8 days feel like they could cause me misery for a lifetime. I try to appear strong, driven and even level headed, but they know and I do too I’m too fragile; a ticking time bomb just waiting to happen.

My eyes down pour towards their usual destination, blistering my cheeks in the process. I didn’t think I could cry any more tears than I already have, but still they continue to fall.

Why did I do it? Better yet why did she? Trying to regain my composure although I wasn’t sure why, no body would see mw this way. I just didn’t want to admit to myself I was and still am a mess. A destructive, sex maniac driven to fuck everything up. That’s why she left. But why her, gosh why her Tina. That stuck up rich bitch, with that annoying accent. Anyone but her. My nemesis, my hatred was known and everyone knew. Is that why, to sincerely punish me for this foolish mess I made of our lives?

If I was to talk my voice would be broken, my throat seizing up as my body becomes a mass of destruction. Slamming my fists into the mattress, I become saddened and even worse angry.

We could have fought, took a break, made up even but this… This was something else. It had gone too far.

Candace was a mistake, but nothing like this deliberate and now apparent full blown relationship.
We kissed, we touched it didn’t go no further. But Tina left me all the same, I wanted to fight for what we had; make her see this was undeniably stupid mistake. Instead Tina fought with me, packing her things out of angst and fear I suppose. For me to find out days later her boss, the endorsement for the company she headed both had extra curricula activities.

She had me believe I was wrong, I’d destroyed everything we had yet she forgot to mention she had been screwing her boss for months behind my back.
I knew it, I just knew it those emails, those texts and flowers were something more than an employer giving a valid employee praise for their work. My notion was denied, dismissed and some how completely exonerated.

I connected with Candace that is one fact I wouldn’t lie about, she was there when I was feeling low. There for me when Tina would cancel her plans and take off overnight for work commitments. She cared. That’s all I needed. I wasn’t stupid, self-absorbed maybe but definitely not stupid.

How long had they been fucking? I starting questioning through gritted teeth. We hadn’t had sex, kissed or touched in months. I Just wanted to be held. But she was always to busy for that.

"Helena ‘fucking’ Peabody, Jesus Tina". I found my self shouting towards the ceiling. Anybody else but her, we had history a bad one at that. She thought she could prance around and get any woman she wanted, I guess money does make you deluded and buy you love from shallow and pathetic people. Helena would often think I would strike up competition about who could get what woman. But I was happily committed to Tina, I would rise to the bait of being a player no longer. Those days had well and truly gone. She wanted Tina because she was with me and that’s the one person she couldn’t have… She couldn’t handle the fact we were happy… Well used to be happy.

I chastise myself, this isn’t helping you calm down. I love Tina, well I did but now I can see it isn’t me she wants anymore. She’ll be back when she realises she is just a pawn in Helena’s little game. And maybe just maybe, I won’t be available for her when she returns.