Notes from Underground – Lovesong, Ch. 8

Short Story 6, Chapter 8: Everyday is a winding road. Everyday is a faded sign. I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.

Los Angeles, Present Day: Tina’s narration

After Bette left I sat back down on a sofa and buried my face in my hands. Tears were coming down but I didn’t care. I just said no to Bette Porter, the woman I still loved with all my heart, my soulmate. I let her go because I didn’t want to go through another heartbreak if we can’t make it work this time around.  

Seeing Bette face to face again after such a long time made me realize just how much I missed her. I missed looking at her face, hearing the sound of her laughter, seeing her mesmerizing eyes and her captivating smile. I was startled by how much I wanted to kiss her. When she left I felt the emptiness again, remembering how much time we spent together talking, laughing, making love or just holding each other for comfort.

Being physically and emotionally away from Bette was so hard at times that I didn’t know if I could make it through another lonely and tearful night. I hate clichés. When life keeps knocking me down, sometimes I don’t want to get up and try again. All I want is to lie down on the ground and let everything go. That’s how I felt after I lost all hope of getting back with Bette.

She finally said what I wanted to hear for so long and had she reached out to me even a few months earlier I would have responded differently. Love and desire often have no reason and my desire and need for intimacy and love had never changed or stopped. Seeing her just now brought back all the memories of us together as lovers and best friends. Oh how much I have missed her.

I heard a song recently that basically said, ‘To get over a broken heart you have to give your heart a break.’ There was still a big hole in my heart that only Bette could fill but I really needed a break from anything that involved love, heartbreaks and commitments because I’d realized that what I had with Bette was what I ultimately wanted. But I wanted to make sure that the next time would be true, solid and forever. Right now I wasn’t ready because last time love wasn’t enough and I wanted to get to the place and time when love was everything for the both of us.