“So I got to choose the room that has a picture window that I can see the mountain view from even while in bed,” I continued.

“There are just two rooms in that inn, right?” she asked quietly.

“Right,” I answered. I went on to describe the place.

“So when you’re done there, and you drive over, maybe we’ll get to enjoy some stargazing surrounded by the quiet of the high desert,” I added in the end.

“Can’t wait, baby,” she said softly.

After a few shared quiet moments, she asked, “What are you thinking off, honey?”

“That this feels like a calm period before an awful ….” I started to tell her honestly.

“Shh…shh, Harley,” she cooed to me over the phone. “Got things under control. Don’t worry.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Aerin,” I answered, and inadvertently let slip a sob I was trying to hold back.

“Well, I’ve been looking a long time for you, Harley, and I don’t want to lose you, either. Believe me, what I’m doing is self-preservation more than anything else. I’m not about to lose the one person who can take this massive love I feel for her and want to give her, and who then surprises me by giving me back her own love many times over,” she answered with fervor.

I heard a group of voices in the background, and Aerin answered, “I’ll be there in a second.”

“Go on, baby. You’ve got things to do. Call me later when you head out, okay?” I told her.

“You know that …” she started to say.

“I know. And I love you, too,” I responded softly.

I blew a breath out as we ended the call.

I sat down heavily on one of the chairs under the welcome shade and contemplated the wild beauty of the California high desert.

How could I have let things reach this point? How could I have been such a coward? Why didn’t I just come clean to the partners when they first brought up the possibility that I could be selected?

I don’t know how long I sat on the chair, staring blankly at the haunting beauty of the grove of the strangely shaped trees in the distance, scattered amongst rocks and pebbly soil, that the national park was named after.