The feeling of the rushing water on my skin distracted me from the disturbing thoughts that I couldn’t chase out my head since I awake this morning. I was so ashamed of what I did, but I didn’t know what to do to make it right. Thoughts were running round and round in my head, always following the same closed and frustrating circle:

“-Why did I do that? Why did I sleep with Frankie? Do I still love her? Does she really love me? Or am I just a good lay for her? How could I do that to Sam? Do I have to tell her? She will be so disappointed; I’m going to break her heart. Do I want to break up with her?”

The knock on the door pulled me out of my vain wonders.

“-Sam, is that you?

-Yeah, can I come in?

-Sure.”

Sam opened the door, smiling. She had a long black jacket on, a scarf around her neck and her bag in her hand. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel.

“-I’m late for work, and I’m coming home late tonight. I just wanted to kiss you goodbye.”

I smiled, a feeling of warmth spreading to my heart. She bent and our lips met gently.

“-Bye.

-See you later babe. I love you” she said.

My heart skipped a beat in my chest, I felt so guilty and yet so happy. I didn’t dare to answer, I was too afraid not to know if it would be true. I kissed her again instead, more passionately. She broke away, a bigger smile lighting her face.

“-I really have to go

-Ok.”

Seconds later, she was gone and I felt alone all of a sudden. And in a blink of an eye, I suddenly realized what I wanted. I wanted to be kissed, I wanted to be loved, I didn’t want someone who loved me one day and disappeared the next out of fear or bore. I wanted Sam. How couldn’t I? With her, I finally felt like I mattered. It felt right.

All my past with Frankie did not matter because I didn’t love her anymore, not the way I loved Sam. I loved her; I wanted her in my life. And for that, I had to tell Frankie that whatever twisted game subsisted between us wasn’t going to work anymore. Finally, I had understood, I had figured it out. Frankie was my best friend, my oldest friend, my first lover. And for these reasons she had a power on me, she controlled me in a way, even when she didn’t want to. My phone rang, pulling me out of the shock of that sudden revelation. I saw Frankie’s name on the digital screen.