A few days had past and I hadn’t heard off Sam, I knew she needed time to cool off but I just didn’t think matters would be this bad. The truth of the matter is I didn’t think. And me not thinking got me into the mess.
Surely enough Frankie had been fishing around thinking what had been would be repeated. But in all honesty I felt strong in a way, strong enough to see that whatever we had was finished along time ago. We couldn’t try and recapture history, we had our moment and she let it pass. So why should I suffer now?
The truth had come out to everyone, and lets just say Ed was disappointed in me to say the least. He warned me about Frankie getting her hooks into me, but I had been too busy reliving the old Frankie and me.
Tess although confused at the turn of events offered me support where she could but felt like she was caught in the middle. Although I didn’t feel she was, I suppose she was Frankie’s friend as well as mine.
Sipping the wine that had been cooled in the fridge, I pondered to myself that if I hadn’t told Sam she would be sitting here right next to me now. Although I couldn’t say I was sorry for being honest, it still hurt to know I hadn’t just hurt myself in this equation. I had hurt the innocent party in all this; Sam.
I hadn’t wanted to bombard Sam with messages and phone calls so I had fought the urge to contact her. But now I felt it was time to explain… I needed her. She was all I wanted.
Taking my mobile phone off the coffee table quickly scrolling for the woman’s name I longed to talk too.
The dialling tone became clear, and I started to panic that she would deliberately screen my call.
Just as I was about to cut off someone answered, “Hello”. My word raspy from the unexpected pick up on the other end of the line.
“Hello”. The voice was unfamiliar and I buried my head in my hands, I felt tormented that this other woman was with Sam. But I knew realistically I shouldn’t question it but my heart throbbed at such rejection.
“Is Sam there?”. I felt stupid for having to ask for Sam when I had rang her number.
“Hold on a sec… Are you Cat?”
I exhaled trying to remain cool, “Yes. Why?”. My reply was short just like my temper was beginning to come.
“It doesn’t matter. I will get her for you now.”
I waited patiently trying to remain calm, Sam had already moved on to someone better by the sounds of it. Quite cosy and knew all about the likes of me even though she chose not to explain.
“What is it you want Cat?”. Sam’s voice was hoarse and I could feel the resent me she had for me through the tone of how she spoke to me.
“I… I just want to talk to you. I wanted to make sure you’re ok. I was wondering if you would give me half an hour of your time. I can explain. Sam I love you, I don’t want to lose you”.
I could hear the scoff that surpassed her lips, she seemed amused that I wanted to talk.
“And what makes you think I want to talk Cat hmmm?”. The tone of her voice sounded sarcastic but I wouldn’t rise to the bait. I wasn’t going to get angry, she deserved to be angry at me not the other way round.
“Please Sam I know I don’t deserve it, but I will beg if I have too.” I wasn’t sure if I was even wasting my breath or not. But I had to try and plead my case. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity just hearing the waves of her breath. She replied breaking me from the soothing affect her breathing had on me.
“What makes you think this will change anything?”. Her tone was soft like she needed consoling but I couldn’t offer that too her, not that I could blame her. She seemed saddened long gone was the sarcasm in her tone of voice and the bitter twist that would overturn the sarcasm.
“It may not change anything Sam, but I now you have a right to know everything. Then only you can decide whether or not this will change anything.” I wasn’t entirely sure that I could change her mind to come back to me. But I knew that’s not the reason I wanted to meet. I wanted a clear conscience, but I knew deep down that it was a selfish move, I had to try. I loved this woman, I think long before we met.
“Well of you want to talk you need to come and see me. I won’t come to you Cat.”
I sighed a release of relief. She had agreed but on her terms, I wasn’t sure I had expected anything less.
“I’m willing to do that Sam. This is on your terms.” I had to ensure Sam knew she now controlled this situation. It was fundamental she knew that. That it didn’t seem I was trying to control her or whatever this maybe. She needed me to relent and I did without any apprehension.
I spoke again as the voice on the other line fell silent, “You just decide when is good for you and I will be there.”
There was nothing more I could say and I was not going to dictate to her when I would come. She had to know my desperacy of not allowing myself to control every element of this wall in between us.
“Be here tonight at 7pm. There will be no more chances. If you’re not here that’s it Cat.” Sam’s voice remained quite controlled but even I noticed she seemed like she had to threaten me. Not necessarily threaten but ensure I know the consequences if I wasn’t to show up. I tool note of the address she gave me that was on the other side of town. Sam had only given me a dew hours to prepare. Not that I could prepare. I wasn’t quite sire what I was going to say. Everything I say out loud seemed phony somewhat a joke… Nothing seemed to sit right. I was already nervous. She had hung up but not before politely saying goodbye. She never gave me chance to reply before she disconnected the call.
I urged myself to change my attire. I wanted something that said I was a mess without her but say I also wanted her to see the real me, and have missed me for that matter.
Enough time had passed and I hailed a cab to the address Sam has given me. The cabbie smiled when he seen the address, he explained these were newly built accommodation. Was it true Sam has just brought a swanky new pad?
I arrived before 7pm not wanting to give Sam a reason not to see me. I waited patiently as I tapped the door. A slim brunette answered the door, she seemed bemused by my presence. I tried to not let it affect me that her smile was outwardly fake. Her attire weakened me, as I took in the flimsy camisole and her bare legs that were on show.
She let me in as I made my way to the large sofa that was obvious it fitted perfectly with this modern apartment. Sam emerged from what I could only assume was a bedroom buttoning up the rest of her shirt. Had I interrupted there little love session, I felt sick overcome with giddyness. She really was over me.
The brunette left the room making her way past Sam into the room Sam had just came out of. It confirmed my thoughts Sam may listen to what I have to say but that didn’t mean she would truly listen to everything I had to say. And why would she? She had this perfect life now with this pretty brunette.
Sam sat down opposite careful to not let us  loose eye contact. I couldn’t determine whether I was grateful for her now full attention or if I felt defeated before I even had chance to explain.
“So what is it you wanted to tell me… It must be important. Or is it that you’re shacking up with Frankie on a regular basis?” She wasn’t being sarcastic although her bitterness seeped through her words. My head was spinning I couldn’t keep up with her emotions, they seemed to change with each passing minute and each passing comment.
“Well I..I’m not shacking up with Frankie or what ever you call it. I’ve come to explain and yeah it is important that you know, and that we talk. Then after this whatever happens… Happens. Because frankly I can’t make a decision for you nor do I wish to.”
She remained quiet so I thought I should continue, “I am sorry Sam and I mean truly sorry for the amount of hurt I’ve caused you. I was reckless not thinking what this would do to you. Or even us for that matter. And that’s the problem I didn’t think not once of the consequence. I just wanted you to know that I hope one day you can forgive me for causing you all this pain. And I wanted to thank you… I know the love I’ve felt with you was real. Much more real than my heart could take. I was stupid to throw what we had away, but we all make mistakes. And this mistake has cost me the person I love the most… You.” my make up had already been ruined just by being in her presence, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and for everything to be ok. But now I could see it wouldn’t. Hoe could she even forgive the tremendous amount of hurt and caused and still look at me in the same light. I wasn’t sure she could ever would.
“You want… To thank me. Are you kidding me Cat? I loved you with all I had and obviously that wasn’t enough for you to stop and think about me and what we shared. Instead you say you didn’t think, but if I’m honest you must have to decide you wanted to go back for more. One regression had maybe I could have forgiven… But an affair Cat that’s something else.” I observed as Sam’s head fell into her hands. I hadn’t seen her cry but now that’s the affect I had on her. She wept and I was unsure if I should console her, was it even my place anymore?
“It wasn’t an affair… It was I don’t know what it was but it was a mistake. I can’t condone my behaviour it was… Well even I know it was despicable what I did. I love you so much that it breaks my heart to see all the mess I’ve caused. I…”
I was interrupted as the brunette entered the room, “Sam I will see you later ok. I’m going out for a bit. Let me know if you need anything. And I mean anything.” placing a small peck on Sam’s cheek that she seemed to appreciate, I winced with pain and jealously. It was hard to watch the scene unravelling before me.
Sam’s voice was minute but I heard every word. “Thanks. I love you”. And with that the brunette was gone leaving us alone in this massive apartment.
“Cat I don’t think I can hear much more… I’m tired and emotionally drained to a point I didn’t even know existed. Maybe I’m a soft touch because I can see you’re sorry for what you did. But I just don’t think you and me will work Cat. So much has changed and I feel like I’m barely existing. Is this what its like to have your heartbroken? To feel empty and unsure where everything went so wrong.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to such a profound definition of the pain that carried itself with her. But I was grateful she could she that I had meant every word I’d said.
“Sam, I never meant to break your heart…” I moved so I knelt in front of her unsure if this was a wise move but I didn’t care if it wasn’t.
“I guess nothing I say will either take back what I done. I just hope one day you can see it in your heart to forgive me. I hope you have a good life and that woman whoever she maybe treats you better than I have.” those words caught in my throat slowly burning every desire for her to come back to me. I loved Sam so much I was willing to let her go. She would be happy without me. And I owed her that much; to be happy.
“Cat… That woman isn’t my girlfriend. Her name is Lexie. We were … Erm lovers before you and I… Well it don’t matter now does it?”
“She was your lover? I had no clue but that means well I get what that means. But what do you mean about there’s no point?”. Sam confused me to no end. It was as if we were on two different wave lengths.
“Well it wouldn’t matter if I was with Lexie as were no longer together are we?”
Her face looked distraught, like she was battling with these new emotions.
“I won’t lie Sam, I would hope you could forgive me and take me back. I still love you.”
Sam’s eyes widened as she pushed away the hair that had adorned her beautiful face. I felt choked up at the sight of a beautiful mess before me. I loved her and despite how stupid I had been to do this to us. I couldn’t help but love her more for the fact she never hid her emotions or feelings from me. I watched careful as the tears fall forming pooled of water on her face.

“Cat… I… Can’t stop… Thinking about… You.”