“I can’t stop thinking about you either. Even when I’m asleep I dream about you. You know you mean everything to me. I wish I could take it back… All of it. Gosh I’m so in love with you it hurts.”
I observed carefully as Sam wiped away the tears that had collected on her now flush cheeks. Her weakness making me want her more, to hold her in my arms like I had so many times before.
“… Cat are you in love with her?” Sam’s voice crumbling more as I saw the pain reflected so openly in her eyes.
Taken back by her questioning I found it hard trying to find the right words to give an answer.
“Sam I’m not in love with her… I realised I thought I was. I used to be in love with her along time ago. But now I see if it wasn’t for the fact she left it wouldn’t have enabled me to find you. I’m in love with you Sam and only you”. Biting down on my lip hard enough to feel the pain, my words provoked a stirring within me. Frankie had done one good thing in her life and that was leave me the way she did. Otherwise I don’t think Sam and I would have ever met.
“I’m not sure you do love me… I mean why would you do this to me if you did? When we first met I asked you didn’t I? If there was anything to worry about. You see Cat I’ve liked you since day one. Do you remember those chats we used to have before work… It made my morning… Made my whole day even. So I was always cautious when it came to loving you… But you reassured me then I had nothing to worry about. But I did. And now I’m left still loving you and nursing this broken heart.”
Sam was different in the way she spoke of her emotions, nothing like I had ever known. She appeared soft somehow and I couldn’t deny the fact I liked it. She was this butch cop but she didn’t hide her feelings. In fact I was grateful she never could with me. To see her this tormented over what I had done rose those feelings within me that I knew she loved me, much more than Frankie ever could. It wasn’t what she said it was what her eyes portrayed to me, that delved deep into my own soul to see we were meant to be.
“Sam… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I can make things better. But I know I want to nurse your broken heart. Make you my Sam again. I… Know that.. Well I know you don’t want me anymore… But I still don’t want to lose you completely. Maybe eventually we can become friends?”. I couldn’t stare into those eyes anymore, the ones that told me I had broken her, teared her apart. Shuffling my weight I pulled myself from kneeling before so closely. The proximity slowly making it harder to breathe.