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I didn’t realize that I still had feelings for her, until she stood right in front of me. She told me, that she loves me and I just kissed her. In that moment I stopped thinking. A firework was exploding inside of me. I never had that feeling before.
It’s just… I never wanted to hurt Claire. She is such a wonderful person. Everything I said to her was true. I really like her, but I never was in love with her. Not in the way I love Vanessa. This hit me the moment I opened the door.
In that moment I forgot everything. I forgot my birthday, I forgot Claire and I forgot all the other people who where celebrating in the garden. A heavy weight was lifted from my heart as I came to know Vanessa is safe and sound.
But now that I kissed her and should be happy, I actually felt really bad. Claire and her mother left right away and also the other guests went, after I’m told them to because I wasn’t any longer in the mood to celebrate. It’s not that I wondered about the fact that Claire left, it’s just… I wish I could have talked to Claire. I never meant to hurt her, but now I did.
Why wasn’t I able to understand my feelings?
Why couldn’t I talk to Claire before all this happened?
Subconsciously I had this notion and now I’m angry and disappointed of myself that I did not notice it sooner.
The whole last year I wanted to be with Vanessa, now that I had the chance, I wasn’t able to be with her. I mean, not yet. I really messed things up and now I have to clear this mess. I hope Vanessa waits for me and I hope that one day Claire is going to forgive me for what I’ve done.