Because of You

I’m not sure if it hurt more having to see her every day after she came back or whether it was easier not knowing where she was.

That hurt more than I could bear. Those moments of euphoria, just waiting at the Bauer Barbeque for her, just waiting so that we could announce, in our own silent way of holding one another’s hand, that it was about us now.  We were together. Together…

But it didn’t happen, you never came to me.

You disappeared.

You left me.

The sudden euphoric feeling of being in love was snatched away in a moment when Blake told me you weren’t coming. I felt a tightness in my throat, like a hand gripping my throat so tightly that it blocked any air that I tried to take in.

It’s funny because I don’t really remember much about that day, but one thing I do remember is running, running like my life depended on it, running till it hurt to run any more, running until I came to my knees by the lake and cried like I have never cried before.

I felt lost.

I don’t know how I functioned.  I don’t know how rational thought processes of where to look for you even went through my mind. But I found myself outside of the church, it seemed the logical place given your faith and how important it is to you.

Did you know that I was starting to believe too?  Maybe your God wasn’t so bad if he brought us together, but I threw that belief to the kerb when Father Ray told me you’d been there and had gone away.

But maybe your God wasn’t so good after all.  Not to me anyway, I couldn’t begin to believe his way was good when you weren’t there. I almost thought he was playing a cruel joke on me.  ‘Olivia Spencer…, woman of all things illicit and wrong in life…, let’s play a game of give and take…, I’ll give you Natalia to love, and then I’m going to take her away.., let’s see how it makes you feel.’

Well he made me feel a myriad of emotions that I never knew I was capable of.  I was more alone that I had ever felt.  I had more pain in my chest than the transplant had caused, and no pill was going to make this pain go away.  I felt more desperate than I had ever experienced. I didn’t do desperate, scared or lonely, but I felt all of them in quantities that no human being should ever experience.