“Don’t touch me,” Spencer said as Ashley attempted to hug her.

Ashley lowered her arms. She couldn’t believe the turn this had taken.

“This wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Spencer agreed as tears began to make their way down her face.

“But I…”

“You what? You love me? I love you too, but I didn’t have to make out with some old girlfriend to make me realize it!”

“She kissed me, Spencer. I didn’t kiss her first, she kissed me!” Ashley said, finding it difficult to keep her voice down.

“And you kissed her back, Ashley,” Spencer said as she shook her head in disbelief, “you kissed her back.”

“You’re overreacting.”

Spencer laughed, surprising both herself and Ashley.

“You’ve got to be joking.”

“It was just a kiss!” Ashley exclaimed, throwing her hands up wildly.

“What about ours?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Our first kiss…was that just a kiss too?”

“Spencer, you know that was different, don’t be stupid.”

“So now I’m stupid?” Spencer asked bitterly.

Ashley shook her head. She was always amazed at how easily she could fuck up a situation with her words…with her actions. Now the girl she loved, the only girl she had ever loved could barely look at her. What was the point of trying if all she was going to do was fuck everything up?

“No, I’m stupid. I’m the stupid one,” she said in a voice that was barely audible, “what do we do now?”

“I can’t be with someone who thinks it’s ok to kiss other girls,” Spencer said as she wiped her face with her hand.

“So you’re saying we’re over?”

“Yeah…yeah, I guess so.”

Ashley felt as though someone had taken an ax to her heart, reminding her why she had been so careful with it in the first place.

“You’re sure that’s what you want, Spencer?” she asked, finding it even more difficult to speak.

“Yes…no…I don’t know right now, Ashley. I’m going to need some time to think this over…figure out how I feel about it. All I know is that right now it hurts.”

“I understand. Take all the time you need.”

Spencer’s body began to shake uncontrollably as she cried. She cried for herself. She cried for the moment when she thought everything was going to be fine. Most of all she cried for Ashley’s mistake that punished them both.

“I’m sorry, Spence. I’m so sorry,” Ashley said as she tried once again to hug her.

For a minute, Spencer relented and Ashley held her tightly against her, not knowing when she’d get the opportunity again. She ran her fingers through her hair, allowing her own tears to fall as Spencer shook against her.

“You have to go,” Spencer said, breaking from the hug.

“Ok, ok…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ashley said as she made her way to the door, opening it quietly, “and Spence?”

“What?” she replied between sobs.

“Know that I mean it when I say that I love you.”

As Ashley walked away, Spencer allowed her body to slide down the wall and to the floor…her world feeling as though it had been torn apart.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ashley knew the drive from months ago, her car basically leading itself to the house. She could feel the tears still falling from her eyes, but she tried to ignore them as she steered the vehicle. When she reached her destination, she opened the car door and walked up the pathway to the house. She knew well enough not to think too much about what she was doing. All she could focus on was the much needed release…an answer to her sadness. And as the door opened, she knew that she had to go through with it fully.

“I knew you’d change your mind. Come on in,” Erin said as she grabbed Ashley’s shoulder and led her inside.

tbc