The world kind of fell away. It was as if all I could manage to comprehend was Spencer in my arms, her breathe against my bare chest and her hands on my back. She had fallen asleep awhile ago. Now I just laid here with my memories floating about in my head. Spencer was the only memory though, no other ones mattered. Not the pain from the past, the drugs and medication. I was no longer a failure. In this moment I am the only person Spencer has fallen in love with…… well, the only one that mattered at least. I mattered because here I was, holding her as she slept, making sure that if any nightmares came into her dreams she’d wake up. I was here to protect her, not so feircly as I would like, but to the extent she needs me to. I am hers now, and I think I have come to terms with it.

Last night we came to the conclusion that no matter what has happened we couldn’t let each other go. I would eventually kill myself, and she would be lost inside her misery, with no way to dull it like I had found. At first she was reluctant to understand my method, but she gave up trying to understand it herself, and decide that she knew me and knew that it was just stupid. I took offense to it at first, but I knew she wasn’t wrong. That might even be why I was offended.

I feel as if I have purpose now. I used to find purpose in sex, in those moments I wasn’t alone. There was always someone there, filling a need I couldn’t, or choose not to myself. Now I have Spencer……. she was the one who filled me with love, something I thought was foreign to my heart.

She turns over and I scoot closer to her, my arms never letting her go. She mumbles my name and I smile. Whether she’s awake or not, the way she says my name is remarkable. Her voice itself is remarkable. I guess she’s changed me in these few months. She makes me a better person, she makes me whole, she gives me reason to wake up…… and to not sleep at all, and trust me I love sleep…… but who would pass up the chance to watch their love sleep in their arms?