"No, Spence. Well, yes…… but it’s more than just that."

I led us to her bed and she sat down, quickly burrying her head in her hands. I placed my hand on her back and she sobed as I did so. She sniffed and I guessed that she covered her face so I couldn’t see the few tears that were escaping. We sat in silence for minutes, maybe 10, I’m not sure. The whole time she just sobbed and sniffled and said nothing to explain what she was talking about. Over the months we’ve been together I learned to just wait, my patience in these situations is of course stressed, and now I wish I had never pushed like I did. I should have waited another 10 minutes, I know she would have chose not to tell me in the end. I’m not sure if that’s what I wanted, but I was possitive this wasn’t.

"Ashley, please, tell me." I said right near her ear. Again she sobbed as I did this.

"I’m lossing you." she said with her head still in her hands.

"I’m right here Ash, not going anywhere."

"You will be, you’re going to leave me, and I guess I should accept it."

I began to cry right then, at that moment I assumed that her mom was moving her away or something like that. I couldn’t handle that thought, I really couldn’t.

"Baby, I’m so sorry." she said and finally looked at me. You could tell she had been crying. Her face was soaked, and her eyes were red and puffy. "I…… couldn’t handle it."

My thought process stopped right there and went right back to the sobriety thing. "Ash, come on, just tell me, I can’t handle this."

"Look, all you need to know is that I….. I…" she broke down again, her head falling into her hands.

I caught her drift though, I knew now what the look in her eyes was. Betrayal…… or at least regret for betrayal. She had cheated on me and I could tell.

"You fucking……. how could you……" I stood up and walked away, hitting the school books off of her desk in a furry.

"I’m sorry Spence!" she screamed at me and stood up to go after me.

I turned around, fully into my crying, angry mode and told her to not come near me. She didn’t stop though and tried to grab my hands……… I pulled them away and shoved her as hard as I could. She almost fell, but I think the real blow was emotionaly. The look in her eyes was so devistated, so hurt and regretful that at that moment I almost went to her. I stopped myself because it wasn’t my fault.

I messed up in not going to her. She’ll never come to me on her own. That night I ran all the way back home to discover that my cousin was in town. She flew in from Ohio and had been waiting to see me all day. It was supposed to be a surprise visit so she just waited at the house.

When I came in I was drenched from the rain outside and she was sitting on the stairs with Clay. I looked at them and instantly ran up to my room, hearing footsteps behind me and my cousins voice calling me. I close my door, but that never stopped her before. She does close the door on Clay and tells him that it’s girl talk time.

She looks at me like she always does when she knows something is wrong. She gives me her psychiatrist face and jokingly asks me how it makes me feel. It gets a chuckle out of me, but that’s it.

"Alexa, I’m not in the mood."