“So you’re friends with Des now?” Spencer asked, once we were on our way back to the farm. I smirked and shrugged, pushing a hand through my hair.

            “Sure,”

            “I don’t understand you.” She said suddenly, making me look over in surprise before turning my gaze back to the road. “One minute you’re all ‘Hey Spencer you can trust me with anythin’, then because I don’t let ya fuck me you’re all cold and withdrawn!”

            “You just said ‘fuck’!” I said, making her cheeks tint red but she rolled her eyes.

            “Don’t change the subject!”

            “Look Spencer, I’m not the one who’s cold and withdrawn, you’re the one avoiding me.”

            “I wasn’t avoidin’ you!”  

            “Well you weren’t being all buddy-buddy with me anymore.”

            “Because you totally were gonna use me as your toy!”

            “No I – I wouldn’t have done that.” I said, stumbling over my words. She scoffed and for some reason that flew all over me. I cast a glance behind me before slamming on the breaks in the middle of the road, making her gasp as we came to a stop and her seat belt restrained her from flying forward. “I wouldn’t have done that, okay? Jesus, you just don’t get it! Do you not understand how badly I want you?! Not just sexually, either. You confuse the hell out of me! I’ve only known you for two days and I already can’t stop thinking about you or hoping that you’ll come around so we can talk some more. Then I freak out and start thinking of ways to get away from you because I don’t want to get close to you because I don’t want to wind up hurting you like I do everyone else!” I finished my small rant and to my horror I felt tears coming to my eyes. I was breathing hard because I hadn’t really taken the time to breathe during my outburst.

            Spencer was looking at me as if I was crazy and I cursed loudly, banging the heel of my hand against the steering wheel. I shouldn’t have done that, now she’s going to run away screaming; Hell I would too. I had problems and there was no way that I could just heal and be with her. I felt her hand grab mine and I looked over to find her eyes were also filled with tears as she held my hand in both of hers, palm up so that she was just staring down at my hand. I stared at her, my breath finally calming as she stroked my palm with her thumbs.

            “I can’t be with you Ashley,” She whispered, but it may as well have been yelled because combined with the silence of the truck it seemed too loud. I closed my eyes against my oncoming tears as her own tears hit my open palm. “I’m not – I can’t be gay.” She said still whispering as she started to shake. “My feelin’s for you shouldn’t go beyond friendship and they do Ashley! Do you know how fuckin’ scary that is? I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life but I can’t- I just can’t do it.”

            “We can be together in secret! Just like you and Madison! God I’ll do anything,” I said, wanting desperately to be closer to her. How did I end up in this situation?! I went from wanting to fuck her to wanting her. As much as she would give me I would take and be damn proud of it.  

            “Look at how that ended! I can’t go through that again!” She yelled, catching me off guard. “You deserve more than that,” She whispered this, making my heart lurch.

            “I don’t deserve anything at all! The fact that you’re even talking to me is too much for me to even comprehend. You’re perfect Spencer. I would do anything to be with you.” She was trembling now as she shook her head, her hair falling down to cover her face from my view. I couldn’t take it anymore and I leaned over our seats, getting as close to her as I could. I brushed her hair back and leaned forward to lay a kiss on her forehead, feeling her shaking form under my hands as I held her hair back from her tear stained face. “Please give me a chance Spencer. I’ll be everything you need, I swear it.”

            “I can’t!” She said, anguish evident in her voice as she looked up at me, her brilliant blue eyes shining in desperation. “I just can’t Ash.” I could see everything in her eyes and it made my own tears fall faster as I leaned forward to rest my head on hers, clinging to her as we cried together.