In my wildest dreams, I would have never imagined this to be me. How did I even get here? It’s no secret that ever since Clay died I’ve been an absolute wreck. I know that it’s been over 2 years now, but I can’t seem to let it go. My only comfort has been my private time alone in my room. Each day my family tries to revive me but I am just not the same. Not the same Spencer I used to be. It’s hard to care about anything after something so tragic. So I hide. I avoid. I neglect.

School has been no different. College now, that is. I opted for USC. You would think one would mature after high school, but the stares and the laughing are all still geared at me. I sometimes wonder why people are so cruel. Don’t they understand that my brother was shot right in front of me and died. I guess they don’t know that. Just me. How else am I supposed to cope? I realize that I wasn’t the only one who experienced it, but I seem to be the most affected. Even my only surviving brother, Glen, has stopped defending me. Yeah, surprisingly he got into USC too. Some weird scholarship for injured athletes. So I walk alone, eat alone, and study alone. That is my life right now. Being alone has become my favorite hobby. People can’t see pass me anymore. Funny how that works, I just never knew that your own friends could be so superficial. But, it is L.A.

“Out of the way, porker!”

Sigh. Don’t worry, I’m used to it now. College is no different from high school during the first 2 years. Believe me. Still the same pettiness and gossip and whatever drama you can stir up. Since Clay’s death, I’ve gained about 60 pounds. No one seems to recognize me anymore. They don’t realize that I’ve locked myself in sorrow and food has become my comfort. I seemed to have picked up some of my dad’s love for cooking. It’s just soothing to me. And yeah okay, I look a bit different. Well, a lot different but my heart hasn’t changed. I may not be as outgoing anymore or so eager to do things, but my name is still Spencer Carlin, you know.